How is this STILL an issue?

I can't believe that I am sitting here, on March 5, 2015, addressing an issue that should not even be a problem anymore.  This is the 21st century.  Why are women still oppressed?  Why is it okay to mistreat them?  To speak ill of them?  To inflict pain and suffering upon them?

On December 28, 2012, I wrote about my horror upon hearing of the Delhi gang-rape case which shocked not only Delhi and India, but the entire world.  That day I could not believe that anyone could be so barbaric, so callous, so heartless toward a fellow human being.  I cannot imagine treating any living being that way, let alone another human.  I'm not going to get into the details of the case again.  There is no reason to keep repeating what everyone is already well aware of.  What is angering me beyond belief, is the mentality that still exists out there in relation to women.

In preparing a documentary about this specific case, journalists were able to interview one of the men convicted in the crime.  In his interview, he blatantly stated that a woman is far more at fault than a man in cases of rape, and stated that a "decent" girl would not be out at 9pm.  He further went on to state that in cases of rape, the woman should not fight back, but rather just be silent and allow it, after which she will most likely be let go.  In describing the crime against Jyoti Pandey as an "accident," he outright blamed her for fighting back, and asserted that if she hadn't, she wouldn't have been beaten as she was.  For those not aware, Jyoti died 2 weeks after the "accident."

Once again, I find myself absolutely dumbfounded at the mentality that some have in regards to women and girls.  As far as these barbarians are concerned, women and girls are objects which they are free to "use" to fulfill their disgusting desires, and they don't even deserve the right to fight back?  What century are we living in?  When did this become okay?  Do these "men" understand that the person who gave birth to them and brought them into this world is a woman?  Do they understand that the world continues because of women? 

I know this is the case around the world, but I will admit that I am more in tune with what goes on in India because of my own cultural background.  This is a country where they worship goddesses like Durga and Lakshmi and then turn around and treat women as second rate citizens.  How does any of this make sense?

Guru Nanak wrote hundreds of years ago:

From woman, man is born;

Within woman, man is conceived; to woman he is engaged and married.

Woman becomes his friend; through woman, the future generations come.

When his woman dies, he seeks another woman; to woman he is bound.

So why call her bad? From her, kings are born.

From woman, woman is born; without woman, there would be no one at all.

From her kings are born.  FROM HER KINGS ARE BORN.  This is a lesson from hundreds of years ago. 

Time and time again, women have been wronged.  Time and time again, they have been attacked simply because of their gender.  From Draupadi, who was bet in a game of dice by her husbands and lost, to Sita, who was kidnapped by Ravana only to have her "purity" doubted when she was rescued by her husband. 

When women have multiple partners, they are called sluts.  There is no name for a man who has multiple partners.  If a woman is divorced, she is unworthy of being a wife again.  If a man is divorced, he has almost no trouble finding himself a virgin to marry.  When a long-term relationship ends, everyone looks down upon the woman.  When the same relationship ends, there is no finger-pointing towards the man.  When a girl is born, parents become worried about the "burden" they carry in raising someone else's family.  When a boy is born, sweets are distributed and parties are thrown because the family has someone to carry on the family name.

In this day and age, when women are succeeding in every facet of life, when they are able to walk shoulder to shoulder with their male counterpart, why are they still treated differently? 

When is this mentality going to stop?  When are women finally going to be able to live their lives without fear of being wronged?  When will they be able to go watch a film without worrying about whether they are going to be the next Jyoti Pandey?  When?

Being a Canadian, I recognize just how lucky I am to live here and live my life as I please.  I come and go as I wish, without ever having the fears that women around the world live with on a daily basis.  I posted a picture on Instagram one day of my Crossfit bruises and a friend commented that if someone asks, I should say that my boyfriend beat me.  I will admit, I was a bit taken aback by the comment but I know he meant no harm.  He loves his wife and daughter more than he himself can express.  But I had to reply that no one would believe it.  And it's true.  Anyone who knows me knows that he'd have two broken hands before he'd be able to lay a finger on me.

Not many know that I ended my marriage because of the oppressive nature of the relationship.  I wasn't permitted to live my life as I wished, but was instead expected to change myself to fit the mould that my husband and in-laws had created, no matter how little sense it made.  After years of trying to make it work, one night a hand was raised and although I wasn't hit, for a second I thought I was going to be.  That was the end of that.  My parents raised me to be strong, independent and able to stand up for myself.  There was no chance that I was going to live in a house where the risk of violence was a concern.  My parents did not raise and educate me to take a giant step backwards. 

My parents are amazing.  They never once questioned my decision to leave and have supported me wholeheartedly in whatever decision I have made.  Many women, especially in countries like India, are not so fortunate and that is truly unfortunate.  Why should women live a life of oppression?  Why is it acceptable? 

It's time for a change.  There has to be something that can be done to start changing the collective mindset.  Women are not objects.  They are amazing beings who deserve to be respected just like any man.  They have a right to their bodies and minds.  What they wear, where they go and when are all decisions they are entitled to make without having to fear for their safety.  When a woman says "no" it means "no."  Not "maybe."

Real men respect women.

Um, where does the time go?!

I knew that I hadn't posted anything in a while, but imagine my surprise when I realized my last post was December 30, 2013!  Where did the time go?!  The last time I was here, I had promised to come back with some hopes that I had for 2014! lol  And here we are...same time, same place...365 days later!  Seriously, where does the time go?!

As I sit here, just over 24 hours from turning the page on 2014, I can't help but take a look at the last year.  I suspect many people do this around this time of year.  Like all years, this one has had its share of ups and downs, but the highlight of this year has got to be little Jai.

2014 started off with an absolute bang, when this adorable little monster's mother, one of my dearest friends, surprised us at midnight with an ultrasound picture, revealing to us in the greatest possible way, that she was expecting.  From January to July, everything revolved around her pregnancy.  Partly because it was all so fascinating that we were going to have a little human in our close knit circle, and partly because of the neurotic-almost-psychotic prego that she is. lol

And then on July 6, little Jai finally made his grand entrance into this world.  I've never been in such close proximity to a newborn.  I have cousins with children, but none living here.  This was my first exposure to a brand new life.  And what an exposure it was.  Watching little Jai grow over the last few months has been nothing short of fascinating.  Watching him become more aware of his surroundings, start recognizing and responding to people, playing with toys and almost being able to see the wheels turning in his little head - it's all been absolutely amazing.

Other than little Jai, the year has been pretty quiet.  I made the "mistake" of venting to my girls one night that I was unsatisfied with my life and what I had (or hadn't) achieved in my life.  It has been no secret that life has not been kind to my family since 2002.  Amar's passing pretty much set my life on a course that I honestly don't think it would have taken had he not died.  I made bad decisions, and I paid for them with my time, and mental and physical wellbeing.  Rocky's passing in 2010 did nothing to help matters of wellbeing, but strangely enough, his battle and passing gave me the strength to make life-changing decisions about my own life.  I finally had the courage to cut ties with people who were doing nothing to help me grow as a person, but rather were causing me grief in many, many ways.  I've been on the journey to self-realization now for just over three years.  This has consisted largely of putting myself first.  For the longest time, I was someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's wife, someone's daughter in law.  I was never Rupi.  Who was Rupi?  I had no idea, because I never had the opportunity to live life for myself or on my terms.  One night in June, it all came boiling to the surface and I vented to my girlfriends about it.  In my rant, I mentioned all I wanted to do - including bungee jumping.  Seriously.  My girlfriends - you tell them one thing in a moment of emotion and they get all serious about making it happen. lol  So one fine August morning, we made the trek to Whistler to go jump off a bridge.  Scariest thing I have ever willingly (kind of) done.  Once it was over though, I realized just how much life can change if you conquer your fears and rise above them.  In the 7 seconds it took from leaving the platform to the first bounce, I remember thinking so many different things.  People aren't kidding when they say their life flashed before their eyes in terrifying moments of life and death.  It's INSANE how fast so many thoughts cross your mind.  But I survived, and I realized that if my friend had not literally dragged me to Whistler, I never would have faced this fear.  One of my biggest fears in life is having my parents outlive me as well.  I am so terrified of the prospect of them losing yet another child, that I let it dictate my life.  Because of that fear, I have a thousand other fears.  I realized this year though, that I can't continue living my life this way.  Life is so short.  It's so precious.  I have seen up close just how fast it can be taken away.  It isn't fair to allow one fear to create so many others.  Living in fear is not living.  That has been my biggest lesson this year. 

I continued cutting ties with people who weren't adding to my growth this year.  I am absolutely done with negativity.  I want to live my life surrounded by positivity and people who bring good things to my life.  I am much more interested in having a small group of close friends than a large group of acquaintances.  With my current circle, I am free to be who I am, without fear of judgement.  That has been very important for my emotional health.  For too many years, I was not permitted to be myself.  I was expected to put my own thoughts and feelings aside and be someone I wasn't because it was the only way to keep the peace.  I realize now, in hindsight, what terribly toxic relationships I maintained, just to feel accepted.  That has now changed.  I am no longer afraid of being who I am.  Heck, I'm not that bad!  I still struggle though, and there are some very hard days that I struggle to get through sometimes, but those days are getting farther and farther apart.  Thank goodness.

I miss my brothers immensely.  That has not changed.  But the heart-wrenching pain that I felt at one point is slowly numbing.  I don't think I'll ever fully come to terms with what has happened.  I don't think I'll ever stop thinking about what could have been or what should have been.  I'll likely never stop thinking about how different things would be if they were here.  Thinking about what they would have looked like and what they could have achieved.  But I try and tell myself that they are in a better place, and that one day, we will all be reunited.  For now, I almost feel that it is my mission to live life as happily as possible, so that I can do their memories justice.  There are days when I think back to Rocky's cancer journey and it takes everything out of me to not break down.  I don't think I'll ever come to terms with how much he suffered and I think that is something that I will struggle with for the rest of my being, but it is my hope to not allow those thoughts to become debilitating.  Late this year, I also started seeing a counsellor.  It was finally time to get help for all that I have on my plate.  I sat down one night and made a timeline.  I asked on Facebook a while back for my friends to describe me in a word.  One friend described me as an onion.  At first I didn't understand, but as I sat and made a timeline and wrote down all that was on my mind and what I thought was troubling me, I realized that I really am nothing short of an onion.  I have so many layers to work through and they all get stuck together sometimes and are hard to separate, and when someone tries to sort through them, even they are driven to tears.  A friend of mine decided to do a case study on my life for her Psyc nursing course.  She said even her instructor cried and said that she hoped the story wasn't real.  I'm known to crack jokes at the most inappropriate times, so the first thought that came to mind was "Score!  We made a Psyc instructor cry!" lol  In all seriousness though, life is hard.

I've continued trying to make strides in my physical health this year.  After some time away, I returned to Crossfit.  In yet another moment of despair, I asked a friend out of frustration what my "scene" was.  I showed her a picture of a night out with friends where I was SO out of my element and SO uncomfortable.  She asked me how I felt at Crossfit.  Hot diggity!  I knew I loved Crossfit, but I didn't even realize how much I felt that I belonged there.  I have to say, I was pretty pleased to realize that a gym is what I felt my "scene" was.  Who EVER would have thunk it! lol

Social media is full of profiles of people working hard to improve their physical health.  Pages upon pages are dedicated to health, fitness and nutrition.  It's disappointing to see that emotional health is not as mainstream.  There still seems to be a stigma attached to mental health.  I can personally say that working on mental health is just as hard as working on physical health - if not harder.  It requires dedication and sometimes a complete "rewiring" of thoughts and feelings that have been there for years.  It is not easy - by any stretch.  I am so SO blessed to be surrounded by amazing, supportive friends and family who encourage me each day to be a better person and to focus on myself and my emotional health.  There are many who are not as lucky.  It is truly heartbreaking to think of the hopelessness that they must deal with each day.  I have had hard days.  I have had very hard days.  Just this past October, I felt like I took an enormous step backwards when I considered taking myself to Emerg because my thoughts were scaring me.  It was surprising that even after all of the improvements I've seen over the last three years, I could still fall back into that despair so easily.  It was also a wake up call.  I couldn't sweep the emotional part under the rug any more.  Seeking help is not a sign of weakness.  It's a sign that you are strong enough to know yourself and what you need.  That being said, I hate going to see counsellors.  Sessions are always so heavy and I hate feeling the way I do afterwards, but I think they say it gets easier the more you go.  Here's hoping.  :|

So that's been my year.  I look and feel better physically and emotionally than I have in years, but like all things, it is a constant work in progress.  There are constantly improvements to be made.

My goals for 2015 are more of the same.  To keep working on being the best version of myself as I can.  Surround myself with positivity.  Love those that love me and cut loose those that don't.  Love and respect myself first and foremost before I expect anyone else to do so.  My goal in life is really just to be happy.  To calm my overactive, overanalyzing brain and to just have peace and contentment.  I can't believe 2014 is almost finished.  It still boggles my mind that I haven't been on here in a year.  But I hope to make 2015 even better.  I look forward to seeing what it holds.  Whatever it may bring, good or bad, I know it will continue to help my soul grow.  To help shape the person I am and the person I need to be.  I have survived a lot and I feel that I can survive almost anything at this point.  Dear God - that is not a challenge.  Please do take it easy on me. <3

I struggle each year to recall all that happened during the year.  I came across an idea that I thought was brilliant, and one that I will definitely be taking up in the coming year.  Who's with me?

Wishing everyone near and far, a very happy new year.  May 2015 bring you the best of health and happiness, and bring peace to all of our lives. 

2013 - Year in Review

Just a little while ago, I was laying in bed unable to sleep.  I picked up my phone for the nth time to see if anyone else was having this same problem (sure enough, I had company!), and when I did, my eyes fell upon the date.  December 30.  It's hard to believe that this year is almost over.  It feels like just yesterday that I blogged "Goodbye 2012...Hello 2013."  And yet, here we are - already a full 364 days under the belt.  It really is amazing how fast life passes us by.

Looking at today's date got me thinking, and so here I am with my laptop and cup of tea, reflecting on the year that has passed and pondering the year before us.

2013 has been an interesting year.  There have been ups and downs, but overall, this has been a year of new beginnings for me.  2009-2011 sucked.  2012 was the beginning of a new me, and I'm happy to say that the momentum picked up in 2013.  I had a good feeling about 2013 right from the onset, and I am happy to report that I was not disappointed.

The year started off with the selling of my parents' house.  This was a huge deal for us.  This house was the first house my parents purchased when we moved to the Vancouver area.  Both of my brothers left us in that house with painfully empty bedrooms full of their belongings.  That house had many memories.  Graduations, birthdays, anniversaries, laughs, tears, hugs, kisses - so many memories.  But after Rocky's passing, those memories became unbearable, and we became prisoners in our own home.  After trying on and off over a couple of years to sell the house, but not being able to, it suddenly and by complete fluke really, sold at the end of December 2012, and we left the house at the end of January.  My parents and I all thought it was going to be a lot harder to leave than it was.  In the end, not one of us missed that house.  We were relieved to realize that the memories of our sons and brothers are not tied to any residence, but to our hearts.  All of those memories are still there, but without the constant reminders of the things they left behind.  I don't know if that makes sense, but it does in my head!  While our new house was being constructed, we spent a couple of months living in a teeny, old 2 bedroom house on my dad's business property.  Going from a house the size that we were used to into a tiny little place in an industrial neighborhood was "interesting."  Waking up on Saturday morning to trucks being moved and machinery being turned on and clients right outside my bedroom door was not my cup of tea, but at the same time, it was fun.  The three of us ate dinner together in one of the rooms in front of the television.  We took turns using the tiny single bathroom in the house.  We had big, heavy iron gates on the property that had to be opened and closed whenever we were going to leave or return outside of business hours.  I realized that I am quite spoiled - often times, especially if it was raining, my dad would drag himself out of bed to open the gates for me before work in the morning.  I started calling him Ram Singh - a common name for gatekeepers in Bollywood movies.  Every evening, once the gates were closed, we would open the door and Magic would go bounding all over the property - sometimes chasing rabbits and other times just exploring this big new yard.  All in all, it was an adventure and the couple of months we did spend there turned out to be pretty fun.

During this time, I was also introduced to CrossFit.  At a friend's gentle prodding (or outright pushing), I signed up for CrossFit in North Vancouver.  Never in a million years would I have thought that this gym is where I would find solace.  Lifting heavy weights and competing with myself class after class was liberating and empowering.  Everything about this experience was just amazing.  The coaches were so encouraging and constantly motivated me to push beyond what I thought I could do, and sure enough, there were some things that I never thought I could do, but apparently could, and there were other things I never thought I'd be able to do, but over time, was able to.  Truly amazing what our bodies are capable if we really put them to work.

We moved into our new house in March and what an adjustment that was.  It didn't feel like home for a long time.  The dog stood at the front door waiting to leave, and mom, dad and I kind of felt like doing the same.  But with time, we all adjusted, and we all love the new house, the new neighborhood and the freedom to move around without fear in our home.

With this change, as well as the CrossFit, came more positive changes.  All of a sudden my outlook has shifted from depressive and doomed, to something more optimistic.  I'm not going to lie and say that everything is perfect now and that I am completely optimistic about the future - heck I just had a meltdown last week and just about ate all the chocolates I had bought for someone else.  BUT, there has been a big change.  Suddenly life doesn't feel so scary anymore.  Having a marriage fall apart isn't the end of the world.  Being single isn't so dreadful.  In many ways, being single is better than being in a relationship!  Of course in many ways being in a relationship is better than being single too, but I don't focus on those things. lol  Being able to put my fears and constant thoughts of "what if" aside has enabled me to focus on the present.  It has allowed me to realize what I want to do now in order to build a better tomorrow for myself.  My parents and my closest girlfriends have been instrumental in helping me move forward.  From constant pep talks to pushing me out the door to reverse psychology to celebrating my small victories - they have helped me to become a better person this year than I was last year. 

This has been a year of firsts for me.  Let's just make a list shall we?

1.  Life is a play and there is a constant changing of cast and characters as the play progresses.  For the first time ever, I was able to direct my own play and made some decisions on who was going to star in the show.  While some new faces appeared, a few old faces were let go simply because they were not contributing enough.  For the first time in a long time, I decided that I don't want negativity in my life anymore.  I'm done with it.  Life is too short, and I want to live whatever days I have surrounded by positivity.  While it was difficult letting some people go, I know it was important for my own wellbeing, and for the first time in a long time, I am completely alright with being selfish.

2.  I did the Grouse Grind!  Of course I did it on a Sunday morning after fasting all day Saturday and didn't even take a water bottle with me...clearly did not think this through enough, and my time showed this, BUT I DID IT!  A couple years ago, I would never have even wanted to think about it let alone attempt and complete it!  This was an enormous boost of confidence for me and something that I am proud of.  I have to go back and redeem myself time-wise though.  There is no way it should have taken as long as it did!

3.  I attracted the attention of a few gentlemen this year! hahaha!  Okay, a lot of girls will say that they find this kind of thing annoying, but hey, after years and years of no attention from the opposite sex, I welcomed this attention and enjoyed every bit of it!  Ahh gotta love cameramen at weddings.  Definitely one of my favorite memories of 2013 - absolutely hilarious and absolutely flattering!

4.  I enjoy shopping?!  Who would have ever thought I'd say those words?!  But things just fit so much nicer now than they did at the beginning of the year!  This is a mixed blessing though.  While I love shopping, my account balance does not.  Sigh.  And shoes - oh dear.  I feel the beginnings of a major problem coming on.  And I love taking pictures now too!  I used to avoid cameras like the plague, but not anymore!  One of my dearest cousins commented a while ago that she was happy to see more pictures of me on my Facebook profile, since I never had pictures up before.  A new friend also commented when we first started talking that I had too few pictures of myself up.  That's clearly changed.  I'm a selfie-fanatic now. :P

5.  I chopped off my hair and got a bob!  Scariest decision I've made in a long time, but I did it, and I love it!  And so do a bunch of other people!  Yay!

6.  For the first time in my entire adult life, I celebrated my birthday with some of my closest friends.  I haven't ever done this before, and I'm glad I did it this year.  You have to be in a happy place in order to celebrate anything, and I'm glad that I have been able to get to a place where I am comfortable celebrating me.  I'm really not all that bad, so why not?  Many thanks once again, to all of my friends who encouraged the idea, and who took time out of their busy schedules to make me feel special on my day. :)

Anyways, that's a bit on the firsts that I was lucky enough to experience this year.  All in all, it has been a great year, and it has taught me a lot about who I am, what I want in life and also how I want to remember my brothers.  I have always identified myself as the sister who lost two brothers.  In recent years, I have been "Rocky's sister" before anything else.  This year, I've started to realize that those brothers of mine deserve to be remembered more positively and in order for that to happen, I have to be happier, healthier and more at peace with the fact that they are in a better place.  This year I was able to shut down their Facebook memorial page to everyone.  I have decided that I don't need everyone to know how I feel and how much I miss them.  That's between me and my heart.  I contemplated removing the page altogether, but that seemed to be too much at the time, so I simply removed everyone and made it a private page.  I like it better this way.

Life is a journey.  There are ups and there are downs.  Some days are better than others.  For me this has been a year of tremendous growth.  For someone else it will have been a year of complete loss.  The key is to keep moving forward though, without giving up.  Giving up is not an option, although sometimes it definitely feels like a good one.  I have been to rock bottom.  I have contemplated ending it all because I could no longer cope.  But this year has been a lesson, and it has shown me that time does not always remain the same.  Where there are downs, there are bound to be ups.  Where there is darkness, there is bound to be light.  Sometimes just staying afloat is a struggle, but other times you find yourself not only swimming but if you keep pushing, eventually the currents will help you along rather than work against you.  That's been my experience.  In all this rambling, my single message to anyone who may be struggling through all that life throws ones way is to keep on pushing.  Don't let circumstances dominate you.  Take them in stride, and move forward one day at a time.  At some point, the stars will align and work with you.  And the importance of positive thinking cannot be overemphasized.  As hard as it is, and I know how hard it is, it is the only way to think.  Because if we think any other way, we're really just digging ourselves a hole.

Anyways, that's my late-night rambling for tonight!  If I go to sleep now, I can still get an hour and a half in before it's time to get up for work.  :|  Stay tuned over the next couple of days for my hopes for 2014.  You know I'm all about sharing!  If I don't get back before January 1st though, I wish everyone a very happy new year and hope that the coming year brings health and happiness to every one of you. <3

Lucky number 13

I feel like I need to state the obvious every time I start a blog.  Those who have followed my ramblings since the beginning of...well, this blog, know that the whole reason for starting it was to vent about how angry I was at life in a less "in your face" way than Facebook statuses.  Life has been cruel, no doubt.  The people who have known me over the years will attest to the rough rollercoaster ride that my parents and I have been on for more than a decade now.  Nothing in these 11 years has hurt me deeper than the loss of  my Rockstar though.  As I've always said, losing Amar was hard - very hard.  But in the end, Amar's passing was sudden.  Rocky's was anything but.  Rocky suffered for months.  He battled hard to survive.  He lived through indescribable pain.  And in the end, he lost that battle and was taken away from us so cruelly.  That loss - the loss of my baby brother, the true love of my life - left me shattered and at rock-bottom.  I questioned everything that I once stood for.  I questioned the faith that my parents had instilled in my brothers and I from the days that we were each born.  When Rocky was battling, I prayed furiously.  When Rocky was admitted to hospital and the c-word started coming up, I begged God to make the doctors wrong.  When Rocky was diagnosed, I begged God to make it an "easy" cancer to fix.  When they said Stage 4, I begged God to make him better.  When Rocky underwent treatments, I begged God to make sure they were working.  When it became evident that there were complications, I begged God to take me instead.  When Rocky's health started declining, I even begged God to take him sooner than later so that he wouldn't have to suffer any more than he already had.  I have struggled immensely with guilt - guilt for wanting to fast forward to see where we end up, knowing full well that fast-forwarding could mean losing Rocky sooner, guilt for asking God to end his suffering, knowing that it would mean Rocky losing his life, guilt for not being able to find some hidden cure deep in some corner of the Earth that would have miraculously eradicated disease from his body, guilt for not losing my mind or my life after his passing.  I always told God I couldn't live without him, and yet here I am, still alive and kicking, and mostly healthy mentally (mostly).  Does that mean that I didn't love Rocky as much as I said I did?  There has been guilt for being able to do things and go places that Rocky never got a chance to.  There has been guilt for living.

And with all this guilt, came hatred.  I began by deciding there was no God.  He could not exist.  If He did exist, and He loved his children, then how could He impose such suffering on those children?  How could he take away two of my parents' three children?  All of our lives, my brothers and I passed the time with one another.  Because the rest of our extended family was in India, we never had sleepovers with cousins.  There were no weekend trips to grandma's.  There were no summer reunions.  It was always just the three of us - and we relied on one another. 

As we got older, I used to tell my mom that I couldn't wait until we were all grown up and that it would be so much fun.  I looked forward to our children getting the chance to enjoy all that we couldn't because we had no family nearby.  I imagined summer barbecues with the kids playing and my brothers and I sitting around enjoying the day with our respective spouses.  I imagined having my brothers' kids over to my place for sleepovers, watching movies and ordering pizzas.  I imagined my own children being spoiled by their mama jis.  I imagined everything that I had longed for as a child, everything that everyone else seemed to enjoy.

And there I was, on August 16, 2010, alone.  Both siblings gone.  All dreams shattered.  How could there be a God?

They say time is the biggest healer.  I didn't think so until recently.  As I think back, I can't recall when I switched from not believing in the existence of God to just being mad at Him.  And by mad I mean absolutely livid.  Then as time went on, that "livid" turned into "mad" and "mad" turned into "whatever" and "whatever" turned into "meh" and over time "meh"  has turned into "maybe."

Maybe there is a reason for all of this.  Maybe there is a reason that everything worked out as it should.  Maybe I am being selfish.  Why do I want my brothers here?  To fulfill my dreams?  To outlive me?  So I don't have to suffer?  That's a bit harsh, no?  I want my brothers here, knowing full well that they're in a better place, just so I don't have to live this life as it is.  It's kind of an eye-opening epiphany that I've had over and over.  I'll have it, then I'll forget, and I'll have it again.  This is what Dory of Finding Nemo must have felt like.  As of late though, I've been forgetting less.

It seems like just yesterday, on New Years Day 2013, I posted a status about having a really good feeling about 2013.  In that post, I made reference to the story of Guru Nanak Dev Ji, the founder of Sikhism, and the time he worked in a shop and often lost himself at 13 when selling rations.  The number 13 in Punjabi is pronounced "tera" which also means "yours" (ie. Yours, O God).  Rather than proceeding to 14, he would simply repeat "tera, tera, tera" over and over.  Sikhism's Ek Onkar is also shaped loosely as the number 13.  Although I have become accustomed to being afraid of happiness, I had a very good feeling about 2013.  We're 6 weeks shy of the end of the year now, and while there have been ups and downs over the year, in large part, it has been a tremendous year of growth for me.  I have learned a lot about myself and have made significant strides in my mental and physical wellbeing.  I have met wonderful new friends who have brought a great deal of positive energy to my life.  I have made peace with the way some past relationships have gone.  And I have been able to become more self-assured and have been able to eliminate a great deal of negativity from my life.  While some of these changes haven't been well-received by some people (lol - they didn't make the negativity cut!), most have supported me wholeheartedly and have encouraged me to keep doing what I'm doing - in exactly those words.  One of my favorite comments has been "if someone doesn't see how different you are, they must be blind."  So yeah, all in all, 2013 has been a good year for me.

I've also been bombarded with people telling me that God exists and that He loves me, regardless of how I feel about Him.  While I still have my questions, I am learning more and more each day that God does seem to have a plan.  I have said it before, and I'll say it again:  If it wasn't for Amar dying, I probably wouldn't have gotten married.  If it wasn't for Rocky dying, I probably wouldn't have gotten divorced.  But those boys did die, and I did get married, and in being married, I learned a lot.  I learned about myself, I learned about those around me, and I learned about life, how short it is and what I want to make of it.  While it hurts my heart to think that my brothers had to die for me to learn these lessons, I know that I wouldn't have learned them any other way.  In that sense, I feel that living my life in a way that makes me happy is the greatest justice I can do to their memories.

My family lost Amar in 2002 - 500 people showed up to his funeral.  We lost Rocky in 2010, and at his request, kept his funeral very small with only 20 people in attendance.  His story however, has been told repeatedly to the congregation at the Guru Nanak Sikh Temple here in Surrey.  In this way, his story has touched thousands.  We lost my cousin Gagan in 2011.  There were more than a 1,000 people at his funeral.  Recently, our extended family lost a young man named Harry.  His father told us that 500 cars showed up for a memorial car racing event in his name.  The common theme here is how many lives these four young men touched in their short lives.  We talked about this amongst ourselves and came to the conclusion that the shortest lives, touch the most lives.  They leave the greatest impact on others.  My brothers were very special, and I have no doubt in my mind that God took our finest for a reason.  There is no doubt that they are in a better place and watching over my parents and I.  I knew that on the days they each died.  But as of late, I'm starting to be okay with it.  I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that this happened, and although it hurts, it may be for the greater good.  Perhaps they were needed elsewhere.  Perhaps they were sent to teach me lessons that will reshape my life.  Perhaps there is something greater planned for me and by taking them away, God is guiding me in the direction that I need to go.

I recently went to California and took a book for the flight.  On the flight back earlier this week, I read more about how God works in ways that we may not always understand, and that there are miracles around us each day that point to His existence.  The book talked about how everything happens to guide us to where we need to be, and to just trust the process.  Once I finished the book mid-flight, I put it away and sat back and contemplated what I had just read, and thought about everything else that has happened over the last few years.

Through it all, it seems that Guru Nanak has played a significant role in my life. There is the "baba ji" that helped my parents and I through Rocky's passing who has devoted himself to the teachings of Guru Nanak. There is the congregation at Guru Nanak Sikh Temple that has repeatedly heard Rocky's story. There is the year 2013, with its reference to Guru Nanak, that has changed the course of my life.  When we got back home, I told my mom that I wanted to start going to the gurdwara again.  Of course she supported that decision - she's been waiting a while for it.  So we decided that every Sunday, we'll set a time, and we will go to the gurdwara together.  The first Sunday is today, and wouldn't you know it - it is Gurpurab.  The day of the birth of Guru Nanak. 

As I sit here now, typing this latest post, listening to celebratory fireworks being set off outside, I feel that I have just had a full-circle moment.  All of a sudden, everything feels right.  Everything is headed where it needs to be, in the manner it was meant to be.  I will never stop missing my brothers and mourning all that could have been, but I will try not to mourn what is either.  Anyone who dies never goes alone - they take a piece of their loved ones with them.  Amar and Rocky each took with them a piece of my heart, and at the same time, reside forever in my own heart.  We'll always be together.  They are my angels, guiding me to a life that I am meant to live.  A life that they would be proud of. <3 <3

And baba ji, I'm still a little bit miffed at you, but I think we might be able to be friends again. <3

Hum Dum Dee Dum

Well howdy everyone!  It's been a while since I've posted, I think (not including the Eat Pray Love post that was 10 months late...oopsies!).  I figure it's time for a good ramble. :)

So what have I been up to?  I know I mentioned my personal "Happiness Project" a few posts ago, and I've been trying to stick to that as best as I can.  I still have my bad days, and my really bad days, but they continue to get farther and farther apart, which is good - of course it's good.  But I still, for whatever reason, cannot help but feel guilty about it.  I don't know what it is.  I've had this conversation with my doctor a few times in the recent past few weeks:

Doctor:  Do you feel guilty about Rocky's passing?
Me:  Yes. 
Doctor:  Do you know that there was nothing I could have done? 
Me:  Yes. 
Doctor:  If Rocky was sitting here right now, what do you think he would say to you? 
Me:  Move on.

In my heart of hearts, I know he's in a better place.  I really do.  But that being said, I just can't forget.  And I think it's all of those memories that I have a hard time moving forward from.  Watching my brother lay in that hospital bed, telling me that he wanted a small funeral.  Thinking back to how he must have been imagining his own funeral based on his one and only funeral experience being that of our brother in 2002.  Having a conversation about him about a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate - doctors wanted us to talk to him about signing one, or given that he was too sedated at times to make a decision, they wanted us to sign one...talk about an impossible decision), and having him tell me "Re..susc..i..tate...my body may be ready to go, but my mind isn't."  Having our last conversations with him, saying our goodbyes, watching him hug and kiss my parents. 

I CANNOT GET OVER IT.

Yes, I know he's in a better place now, but the reality is that he wasn't ready to go to that place.  That is something I struggle with.  I also know I give myself too much power.  If trained oncologists weren't able to save him, then who the heck am I?  But in this age of Internet, I keep feeling that I put too much trust in doctors and conventional medicine, without doing enough research on alternatives that might have been available.  I wasted more time in prognosis than I did on cures.  Somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel as if I missed some groundbreaking natural medicine that would have saved him.  I apologized to Rocky for it late one night during the last week of his life.  It was 2am and I had gotten mom to go lie down for a bit while I sat next to Rocky (we took shifts around the clock to sit with him).  It was around 2am, and as he lay there, I felt him stir, so I asked him whether he knew how much I loved him.  He said he did, and that he loved us all.  And then I apologized.  He shook his head and said "don't do that to yourself."  When Dr. Barrio came to see hiim the Friday before he passed away, I had a minor meltdown at his bedside, and despite the fact that he could no longer speak or open his eyes, he lifted his arm and moaned loudly - a clear objection to what he was hearing.

I was his voice.  No one understood him like I did.  During that last week when he couldn't speak for himself, I spoke for him, I understood for him, I demanded for him.  Rocky was my everything, and to this day, almost three years later, I have a very difficult time coming to terms with the fact that he's no longer here.

Amar died just over 11 years ago, and while his passing seems like an eternity ago on some days and just yesterday on others, Rocky's passing always feels like an eternity ago.  It's been so long since I've talked to him, since I've hugged him, since I've held his hands, since I've run my hand through his ringletty hair.  His hair.  He always had beautiful hair, but after chemo, it came back in ringlets.  I kept asking him if I could feel it.  He kept saying no.  I felt it after he passed away, when he could no longer stop me.  As odd as it may sound, when I think about it, I can still feel those ringlets on the palm of my hand.

One day a couple of years ago, I got together with a few girlfriends to discuss fundraising ideas.  A couple of my friends brought their friends.  We sat around talking and smiling.  I didn't shed any tears that day, although it had been a mere months since Rocky's passing.  At home things were a mess, but at this get together, I was good.  As we were in the middle of our meals, one of my friends' friends, a very religious girl, turned to me and said that she had to tell me something.  I looked at her, and she said "Rocky's here.  And he wants me to tell you to get your shit together."  I was dumbfounded...and then I lost it.  Poor Rocky probably shook his head, said "stupid lady" and left.  But the more I think about it, the more I feel like he really probably was there and probably did want that message conveyed.  Things were pretty bad at home, and I was a mess and did indeed need to get my shit together...

So after very difficult, life altering decisions, I finally managed to get onto the path towards "getting better."  It's been a long time coming.  I never understood what people meant when they said that I had to care for myself before I could care for my parents.  I didn't understand why it was necessary for me to be selfish and put my needs first.  I've always assumed the caretaker role.  I've always been in control.  And all of a sudden, things were so far out of my control that I had no idea how to get back on track...and then one day, it just clicked.

I started with a BeachBody cleanse.  I came across a sponsored ad on FB for Leslie Moodie Fitness.  I clicked on the ad and saw that we had a mutual friend who is a doctor, and so immediately felt that I could trust her.  I followed her and noted that she was raving about a cleanse that she was doing and asked her for details.  After talking to her, I signed up.  It was a tough, but very rewarding 21 days.  For the first time, I was able to realize just how wrong I was treating my body.  I ate right, and felt amazing!  Once the cleanse was up, I joined CrossFit, only because a friend of mine literally sat at my desk at work until I signed up for the Groupon that was being offered.

I am a self-proclaimed quitter.  I don't have the ability to stick to anything, and so when I joined CrossFit a few months ago, I chose not to tell anyone.  Afterall, I was doing it for myself and not anyone else.  No one needed to know.  That and there's no pressure to keep going if no one knows what you're doing.  But word got out at work, and then I liked a video of myself that was posted, and word got out on Facebook as well.  Oops.  So now, because I have people coming up to me on a near-daily basis at work asking how CrossFit is going, I have to keep going.  The need to please is a huge burden to carry!

So I've been CrossFitting regularly for about 6 weeks now and am seeing enormous changes in strength.  People are noticing the difference and commenting almost every day.  I looked back on pictures and holy moly I can't believe just how big I had gotten.  Emphasis on holy moly.  I'm literally shaking my head thinking back to that comparison.  Maybe one day I'll post it...or maybe not. :P :D

For the first time ever though, I feel as if I might just be able to do this!  I may be able to end up fit and healthy.  I may be smaller than I've ever been before.  I may learn to love myself.  I am starting to more and more each day, which I guess is a step in the right direction.

I have amazing support though, which always makes moving forward easier.  I have always said that I have amazing friends - and I stand by that statement.  My friends are in large part, the reason that I'm still here today.  There were days in the last few years when I didn't think I could do it anymore, but these wonderful people carried me through, and here I am...still here.  I believe I have also mentioned how I keep crossing paths with people who motivate, inspire and encourage me to be a better person.  Often completely unlikely sources - ahem, San Fran bazillionaire entrepreneur?  Yeah, no idea! - but somehow, they enter, teach and exit...or sometimes stay (not the bazillionaire though, sadly...he exited...lol).  And most recently, I've crossed paths with Leslie, who got me on the path to healthy eating, and then the Makers Body CrossFit team of North Vancouver.  They're so supportive and passionate about healthy living that it really does rub off on people like me.  I find myself WANTING to go sweat like a pig and make a fool of myself doing exercises that I can't do.  I don't even want to know what I look like doing a burpee...lol...but these people are always so supportive - come on Randeep, 5 more...4, 3, 2, 1, atta girl!  Just awesome.

So that's where I am.  Trying to keep the CrossFit thing consistent.  Trying to get my diet on track (food is a necessity, not a luxury...a mantra I'm trying to believe!).  Trying to just be a better person, inside and out.  I did manage to do the Grouse Grind for the first time everrrrr a few weeks ago!  Does anyone remember what I looked like even a year ago?  The GG was definitely not an option!  But it is now, and I did it!  I didn't do it as fast as I thought I would, but I..did..it. That alone is a huge accomplishment and one that I'm proud of.  I'll have to go again once before the end of the season to see how my time changes from the first go.  Planning on doing the 5K Colour Run and the 5K Terry Fox Run in September, and the 10K Sun Run in April, as well.  I have a long way to go, but I've come a long way already.

For the first time in a very long time, I am happy with the direction in which my life is going, and despite my feelings of despair and sadness, I know my kid brothers are looking down proudly as well.  And that makes me happy...in a sad kind of way.

Love you boys.  Now and always. <3 <3

Eat, definitely. Pray, possibly. Love, maybe.

Okay I just realized that this post from November didn't actually get posted.  A bit about my Indian vacay.  I'll have to read what I wrote and post an update as to where things stand!  I don't even know if I finished this post, but this many months later it seems pointless to go back and try doing so, so here it is... :)

Well, my much-anticipated 6 week vacation has come and gone in what seems to be just the blink of an eye.  It's interesting how one can look forward to something for months, only for it to be over too quickly.  That's how I feel right now about my trip to India.  I booked this trip back in February, and at that time, thought 7 months would never pass.  Well they did, and my 6 week leave from work began.  And now, here I am with the vacation behind me, and the office back in sight.  Those who know me will know that I have a tendency to analyze everything - and this vacation is no different. 

Many of you know by now that the last decade has not been an easy one.  From losing my first brother in June 2002, through to ending my relationship with CJ in 2012, during which period I also lost my beloved Rockstar, the last decade has brought many challenges my way.  In addition to these challenges, other more minor issues stood in the way of leaving town for any extended period of time.  Things settled down this year though, and so a vacation was finally on the cards. 

There are many destinations around the world that I wish to travel to.  But when it came to booking this particular vacation, it was easy to pick where I wanted to start my travel escapades - India.  What better place to start than where it all began?  The last time I travelled to India, I was 7 years old.  We have a lot of family out there as well, and seeing that I was planning on taking my mom with me, it only made sense to go to the motherland.  Along with taking a vacation from my Bollywood-esque life, I was hoping that the time away would allow me to sort my head out - determine, prioritize and plan for what is important to me at this point in my life.  Not dwell on what has happened in the past, not worry about things I cannot control in the future, but focus on the present.  There is little doubt that since my youngest brother's passing in 2010, I've been a mess.  After almost two years of running around in circles, it was finally time to "move on."  I finally realized that at the age of 32, I am far too young to throw in the towel and become victim to circumstances.  I'm all too aware that life is completely unpredictable.  If I am meant to die tomorrow, nothing is going to stop that from happening.  But I finally decided that I am not about to sit around living my life as if I'm going to die tomorrow.  It would be different if I was doing exciting things to make my "last days" enjoyable - but I wasn't.  I was literally sitting around having life pass me by because I didn't know what else to do.  Something changed though, and I decided that I want to go about my life as if I'm going to live tomorrow.  Like I said, I know that life is unpredictable, but if all goes as it's supposed to, I have a few years left on this Earth, so I might as well make something of those years.  I have a pretty good idea of the circumstances that caused this epiphany, but that's another blog altogether.  In short, I finally decided that it was time to take control of my life and live it the way I see fit, not they way anyone else sees fit.  After months and months and months of doctors, colleagues, friends, family, supervisors (I'm not kidding when I say I was a mess) telling me that I deserved to be happy, I finally realized that they were right.  I do deserve to be happy!  Once I came to this realization however, I was faced with a new problem - how?

So the plan, as I mentioned somewhere in that last paragraph, was to go on vacation and come back a bit more relaxed, with a bit more peace of mind and a clearer picture of where I want to go and how I intended to get there.

Our vacation took us first to Delhi, from where we went on a 13 day tour through Rajasthan, Uttar Pradesh, and Madhya Pradesh.  We had an opportunity to see Delhi, Jaipur, Bharatpur, Agra, Orchha, Khajuraho and Varanasi before returning to Delhi and then heading to Punjab.  Those first 15 days made no difference to my peace of mind plans.  If anything, they wore me out completely!  It was HOT and there was a lot to see!  Around the end of the tour, I started to panic.  The thought of returning to my life without gaining any sense of self scared me.  That pre-vacation life is one that I didn't want to fall back into.  But then I calmed myself down by reminding myself that I still had 4 weeks to go.

My cousin had come to Delhi when we first arrived and provided me with a cell phone for "our" convenience.  It turns out that my massi jis (mom's sisters) and cousins had a hard time dealing with the fact that we were in India but still out of their reach.  They made themselves feel better by calling us every..single..evening.  It turns out the cell phone was also for their convenience!  We were in touch with my cousins and my dad almost everyday, and each day, we were told that everything was fine and were asked how many days left until we returned to Delhi and moved on to Punjab to see them.  It wasn't until one of my Californian cousins called and slipped up that we found out that my dada ji (dad's father), had had a stroke while we were touring.  No one had wanted to tell us while we were on the tour, since it would be difficult arranging transportation back to Punjab - and because my dad didn't want to cause us stress while on vacation.  Plus papa ji was recovering well and improving each day.  Luckily, the slip came in the last few days of the tour and we were soon on our way to Punjab where we could see my papa ji and visit with the rest of our family.

My 86 year old papa ji is a very highly educated man, who spent his entire life learning and teaching.  He and my grandmother lived in Chandigarh until my grandmother's passing in March.  From Chandigarh, he was moved to rural Punjab to be closer to family and so that family could care for him.  The last time I saw papa ji was in 2004, and at that time, he was completely self sufficient and healthy.  When I saw him for the first time on this trip, I have to admit that I wanted to cry.  In a relatively short time, my papa ji has become a frail man with signs of dementia.  On the day that we arrived, I went into his room to see him, and he looked at me with a smile on his face, but no clue as to who I was.  My cousin asked him if he recognized me.  He said no.  So after some gentle prodding, my cousin finally said "tuhade Shinde di Rupi ah" (your Shinda's (dad's nickname) Rupi).  This is when he looked at me and started to cry.  The same scenario repeated when my mom came into the room.  This was the first time he had seen my mom and I since Rocky's passing. 

I know now without a shadow of a doubt that I get my stubborn personality from my dad's side of the family, because after realizing it was us, this 86 year old man who couldn't walk, eat or remember for that matter, decided that he wanted to sit in the living room with us and everyone else.  So my cousins carried him to the living room, and this is when we really realized how weak he had become compounded by the stroke.  Luckily, the stroke wasn't as serious as it could have been, and so the situation was still better than it could have been.

Over the next week or so, papa ji made significant improvements in his strength, and has actually gone from only being able to have small amounts of oatmeal fed to him to being able to eat saag and makki di roti on his own.  The effects of dementia are obvious though at times, which makes communication with him somewhat difficult.

The village where we were staying is called Talwandi Jattan, in the district of Hoshiarpur.  This is where the sister just older than my mom resides.  This village is known for its Sikh Temple - Rampur Khera Sahib.  Each October, this temple hosts an 8 consecutive day religious program, called a samagam, during which people from near and far descend on the village to take part.  One day, my massi ji and mom decided to go to the evening program.  We liked keeping papa ji informed of what was going on around him so that he wouldn't feel neglected or unsure of what was happening, so my mom told papa ji that she and massi ji were going to the gurudwara.  About an hour after they left, I went into papa ji's room to check on him and he asked me "you're not going?"  Papa ji communicates with me exclusively in English.  Sometimes I wonder if he thinks I don't know how to speak Punjabi, being from Canada and all, so I'll start talking him in Punjabi.  But nope, he will always reply in English.  Anyways, I told him that I wasn't going and that mom and massi ji had gone.  He asked "why?"  I told him about how I don't know what to believe and that I'm not sure if God really even exists, or maybe I think He does exist, but I'm mad at Him.  He listened to this little explanation, and then pretty much laughed at me.  I think a part of him may have been ashamed that I was his blood. lol  This is when I believe I experienced the climax of my trip.  In the conversation that followed, my grandfather told me that without belief, there is nothing.  Without belief, we are losers.  He explained that there are many, many examples of individuals in history who had nothing, and yet had everything simply because of their belief.  He asked why I thought that was.  He pointed out that my parents attend religious functions despite all that has happened to them, and asked if I though they were doing it for nothing.  I told him that I wasn't sure and that I thought they were crazy.  He replied "they're not crazy.  They're not crazy.  It is you who is misguided."  For some reason, it is the "it is you who is misguided" line that has stuck out in my mind and has forced me to think hard about things.  In this short conversation, my ailing 86 year old grandfather told me that giving up on belief and hope is cowardice.  He told me that life is a journey, and sometimes a very difficult one, but the only way to succeed and come out a winner is to keep faith, no matter what.  He encouraged me to believe, to not lose hope and to rise to life's challenges and face my fears rather than letting them consume me.  He repeated over and over that "the truth is there."  Like any Sikh, my papa ji's belief is that everything that happens is God's will, and that it is up to us to have complete faith that whatever He does is for the best.  He acknowledged that this is no easy task.  But he also said that this faith is something that we have to work hard to attain - it is not a matter of one or two days.  It is a "tapasya" - a journey, and as long as I embarked on that journey honestly and earnestly, I would always be successful.

My parents raised my brothers and I in a household that believed strongly in the Sikh religion.  My mom was a stay-at-home mom during the time we lived in Sparwood, and she used this time to teach us about our religion.  I know that our Guru tells us that it is best to not get caught up in worldly possessions and relationships, because doing so will only bring us pain.  The Guru tells us that our one true relationship is with God, and only this relationship will bring us peace, rather than despair.  It is easy to believe this when things are going well, because we have no real reason to question anything.  But when things turn for the worst, we end up questioning everything.  In my case, I started by questioning the existence of God, but couldn't actually believe that He didn't exist, so instead I just became angry with Him.  I know that it's a stupid way to go - really, how is my not going to the temple having any impact on Him?  I doubt He's sitting up there overly stressed about the matter.  But it's how I dealt with things.  Recently though, things started to change.  It's not that I stopped being angry, but I think at some point, I just gave up on trying to hate Him.

Blessings

In previous posts, I have mentioned how I find it strange that I keep coming across wonderful people who bring positives into my life in one way or another.  Many times, I don't even know these people - they are individuals from who knows where in the world, but unknowingly, they help me to think about my life, where it is now, where it has been and where I want it to go.

Last week, I came across a quote which states the following:

I've seen better days,

but I've also seen worse.

I don't have everything I want,

but I do have all I need.

I woke up with some aches and pains,

but I woke up.

My life may not be perfect

but I am blessed.

This made me think about my own life.  Am I blessed?  Sometimes, it sure doesn't feel like it.  As we approach spring and summer, I know that some very hard days lie ahead.  Days which will be spent recalling times past - the good times and the bad times.  Sadly, my life is at a point now where even the good memories are painful.  There will be anniversaries and birthdays.  Everyday, I look around as everyone talks about their families, and wonder why my family turned out to be so unlucky.  Why did my siblings have to leave us behind?  What did they do to deserve to have their lives cut short?  Friends and cousins their ages have all moved on in their lives.  They're getting married and starting families of their own.  One day, Amar and Rocky will become distant memories.  They may occasionally remember knowing "this guy I used to be friends with." But then they will move on again with their lives. 

I won't forget though.  And my parents won't forget.  For us, Amar and Rocky will always be those 19 and 25 year old young men that were stolen from us - robbed of their own lives much too soon.

Earlier in the day, I suddenly flashed back to the hospital room just after Rocky had passed away.  I flashed back to my parents and I standing around Rocky after he had left, not really knowing what to do.  All of a sudden, it was over.  All of a sudden, Rocky was gone and there was nothing else to be done.  There were no more appointments.  There were no more medications.  There were no more holding of hands.  There were no more hugs and kisses.  There were no more soft and gentle words.  There was nothing.  All of a sudden, it was just...done.  I remember standing there completely numb.  My dad asked me to call my cousins.  I pulled out my cellphone and saw a text from a cousin asking how Rocky was doing.  It was time-stamped 4:28pm.  Rocky had died two minutes after this text message.  I texted three of my closest friends to let them know.  I called my cousins and asked them to tell whoever needed to be told.  And then I came back, and just stood there.  The priests came from the gurdwara and said a final prayer, and as they were leaving, they hugged my parents and me, and one of them said to never feel alone, because they are all my brothers.

But they're not.  Brothers will stand by you through thick and thin.  They are your biggest supporters.  They are your protectors - especially if you're a sister.  The reality is that my brothers are gone, and there is no one else that will ever be able to take their place.  There is no one else that would ever want to take their place.  There is no one else that I want in their place.

When I think about Rocky and a few years before him, Amar, I recall all of the horror surrounding their losses.  Amar's passing left me with a permanent physical scar that I see each and everyday.  Every time I need to pick something up or grip something, I am reminded of the day that Amar left us.  And Rocky - well Rocky's passing is permanently set in my brain and just can't be forgotten, even if I wanted to.  I don't think I am being naïve when I say that the losses I have experienced in the last 10 or so years, many people may not experience in an entire lifetime - nor would I wish it upon anyone.  Anyone who has known me throughout the last decade of my life will know that my parents and I have been nothing short of a living hell.  I've been told that I've been "to hell and back." I disagree with that statement in some ways because I haven't really come back.  A part of that hell is now a permanent circumstance that I am forced to live with - albeit not outright in my face as it has been in past times.  To say "and back" is to imply that everything is fine again.  But it isn't.

That being said however, I find that as time goes on, I am realizing more and more that despite everything, I really am blessed.  My parents are amazing people.  I truly do not understand how they continue to forge forward and continue to find the strength to support me each and every day.  They are my harshest critics but also my biggest supporters.  They truly are my everything, in every sense of the word.  Their strength is undeniable, and I am so SO lucky to have them as my parents.

My friends are wonderful.  I would not be here today if it weren't for some of my greatest friends.  Wow.  I am left speechless and in complete disbelief sometimes when I think about what these amazing girls did for me during the lowest times of my life.  They literally latched on and didn't let go until I was ready to move again on my own.  And even then, they handled me with padded gloves until they decided that I needed a kick in the pants.  Now all they do is kick me in the pants...all the time. :|  These girls support me when I need supporting.  Kick my butt into gear when I need that.  And everything in between as well.

My extended family.  Now this is an interesting one.  In many ways, these are the people that I take my frustrations out on the most.  I have wonderful cousins who always want to be there for me, but for whatever reason, they are the ones that I shut out and rarely talk to about what I truly am feeling.  But regardless of my attitude problem, they constantly make the effort to make sure that I'm alright.

There are some people in this world who literally have no one, and maybe if things continue the way they are, I'll be one of them.  But for now, I am surrounded by wonderful people, and even have the luxury of having a few that I can shut out!  I am healthy, which sometimes makes me feel guilty.  I still struggle with being thankful for my health when Rocky wasn't given the same luxury.  But I know that if nothing else, my being healthy makes life a bit easier to deal with for my parents.  I have seen them panic when I am not well and if my staying healthy saves them from that kind of heartache, then I'll take it.  I have a stable job that not only provides me security, but also allows me to constantly learn.  It has allowed me to make some great friends, who for some reason or another, seem to like me.  In some ways, as odd as it is to say, even my experiences have been "blessings."  Would I trade the blessings in for my brothers?  In a heartbeat.  No question.  But the reality is that I can't trade them in.  And as they say, stars can't shine without darkness.  My darkest days have allowed me to learn some valuable lessons that many may spend a lifetime without learning.  They have taught me what is important in life.  They have helped shape the woman I am today.  And you know what?  I like the woman I am today.  I am strong enough to stand up for myself, but soft enough to lend a helping hand.  I am intelligent enough to accomplish great things, but dumb enough to occasionally make a complete fool of myself. I think that I have an appreciation for life that only tragedy can bring about. 

So am I blessed? 

Yes.  I am.