Blessings

In previous posts, I have mentioned how I find it strange that I keep coming across wonderful people who bring positives into my life in one way or another.  Many times, I don't even know these people - they are individuals from who knows where in the world, but unknowingly, they help me to think about my life, where it is now, where it has been and where I want it to go.

Last week, I came across a quote which states the following:

I've seen better days,

but I've also seen worse.

I don't have everything I want,

but I do have all I need.

I woke up with some aches and pains,

but I woke up.

My life may not be perfect

but I am blessed.

This made me think about my own life.  Am I blessed?  Sometimes, it sure doesn't feel like it.  As we approach spring and summer, I know that some very hard days lie ahead.  Days which will be spent recalling times past - the good times and the bad times.  Sadly, my life is at a point now where even the good memories are painful.  There will be anniversaries and birthdays.  Everyday, I look around as everyone talks about their families, and wonder why my family turned out to be so unlucky.  Why did my siblings have to leave us behind?  What did they do to deserve to have their lives cut short?  Friends and cousins their ages have all moved on in their lives.  They're getting married and starting families of their own.  One day, Amar and Rocky will become distant memories.  They may occasionally remember knowing "this guy I used to be friends with." But then they will move on again with their lives. 

I won't forget though.  And my parents won't forget.  For us, Amar and Rocky will always be those 19 and 25 year old young men that were stolen from us - robbed of their own lives much too soon.

Earlier in the day, I suddenly flashed back to the hospital room just after Rocky had passed away.  I flashed back to my parents and I standing around Rocky after he had left, not really knowing what to do.  All of a sudden, it was over.  All of a sudden, Rocky was gone and there was nothing else to be done.  There were no more appointments.  There were no more medications.  There were no more holding of hands.  There were no more hugs and kisses.  There were no more soft and gentle words.  There was nothing.  All of a sudden, it was just...done.  I remember standing there completely numb.  My dad asked me to call my cousins.  I pulled out my cellphone and saw a text from a cousin asking how Rocky was doing.  It was time-stamped 4:28pm.  Rocky had died two minutes after this text message.  I texted three of my closest friends to let them know.  I called my cousins and asked them to tell whoever needed to be told.  And then I came back, and just stood there.  The priests came from the gurdwara and said a final prayer, and as they were leaving, they hugged my parents and me, and one of them said to never feel alone, because they are all my brothers.

But they're not.  Brothers will stand by you through thick and thin.  They are your biggest supporters.  They are your protectors - especially if you're a sister.  The reality is that my brothers are gone, and there is no one else that will ever be able to take their place.  There is no one else that would ever want to take their place.  There is no one else that I want in their place.

When I think about Rocky and a few years before him, Amar, I recall all of the horror surrounding their losses.  Amar's passing left me with a permanent physical scar that I see each and everyday.  Every time I need to pick something up or grip something, I am reminded of the day that Amar left us.  And Rocky - well Rocky's passing is permanently set in my brain and just can't be forgotten, even if I wanted to.  I don't think I am being naïve when I say that the losses I have experienced in the last 10 or so years, many people may not experience in an entire lifetime - nor would I wish it upon anyone.  Anyone who has known me throughout the last decade of my life will know that my parents and I have been nothing short of a living hell.  I've been told that I've been "to hell and back." I disagree with that statement in some ways because I haven't really come back.  A part of that hell is now a permanent circumstance that I am forced to live with - albeit not outright in my face as it has been in past times.  To say "and back" is to imply that everything is fine again.  But it isn't.

That being said however, I find that as time goes on, I am realizing more and more that despite everything, I really am blessed.  My parents are amazing people.  I truly do not understand how they continue to forge forward and continue to find the strength to support me each and every day.  They are my harshest critics but also my biggest supporters.  They truly are my everything, in every sense of the word.  Their strength is undeniable, and I am so SO lucky to have them as my parents.

My friends are wonderful.  I would not be here today if it weren't for some of my greatest friends.  Wow.  I am left speechless and in complete disbelief sometimes when I think about what these amazing girls did for me during the lowest times of my life.  They literally latched on and didn't let go until I was ready to move again on my own.  And even then, they handled me with padded gloves until they decided that I needed a kick in the pants.  Now all they do is kick me in the pants...all the time. :|  These girls support me when I need supporting.  Kick my butt into gear when I need that.  And everything in between as well.

My extended family.  Now this is an interesting one.  In many ways, these are the people that I take my frustrations out on the most.  I have wonderful cousins who always want to be there for me, but for whatever reason, they are the ones that I shut out and rarely talk to about what I truly am feeling.  But regardless of my attitude problem, they constantly make the effort to make sure that I'm alright.

There are some people in this world who literally have no one, and maybe if things continue the way they are, I'll be one of them.  But for now, I am surrounded by wonderful people, and even have the luxury of having a few that I can shut out!  I am healthy, which sometimes makes me feel guilty.  I still struggle with being thankful for my health when Rocky wasn't given the same luxury.  But I know that if nothing else, my being healthy makes life a bit easier to deal with for my parents.  I have seen them panic when I am not well and if my staying healthy saves them from that kind of heartache, then I'll take it.  I have a stable job that not only provides me security, but also allows me to constantly learn.  It has allowed me to make some great friends, who for some reason or another, seem to like me.  In some ways, as odd as it is to say, even my experiences have been "blessings."  Would I trade the blessings in for my brothers?  In a heartbeat.  No question.  But the reality is that I can't trade them in.  And as they say, stars can't shine without darkness.  My darkest days have allowed me to learn some valuable lessons that many may spend a lifetime without learning.  They have taught me what is important in life.  They have helped shape the woman I am today.  And you know what?  I like the woman I am today.  I am strong enough to stand up for myself, but soft enough to lend a helping hand.  I am intelligent enough to accomplish great things, but dumb enough to occasionally make a complete fool of myself. I think that I have an appreciation for life that only tragedy can bring about. 

So am I blessed? 

Yes.  I am.