Okay I just realized that this post from November didn't actually get posted. A bit about my Indian vacay. I'll have to read what I wrote and post an update as to where things stand! I don't even know if I finished this post, but this many months later it seems pointless to go back and try doing so, so here it is... :)
Well, my much-anticipated 6 week vacation has come and gone in what seems to be just the blink of an eye. It's interesting how one can look forward to something for months, only for it to be over too quickly. That's how I feel right now about my trip to India. I booked this trip back in February, and at that time, thought 7 months would never pass. Well they did, and my 6 week leave from work began. And now, here I am with the vacation behind me, and the office back in sight. Those who know me will know that I have a tendency to analyze everything - and this vacation is no different.
Many of you know by now that the last decade has not been an easy one. From losing my first brother in June 2002, through to ending my relationship with CJ in 2012, during which period I also lost my beloved Rockstar, the last decade has brought many challenges my way. In addition to these challenges, other more minor issues stood in the way of leaving town for any extended period of time. Things settled down this year though, and so a vacation was finally on the cards.
There are many destinations around the world that I wish to travel to. But when it came to booking this particular vacation, it was easy to pick where I wanted to start my travel escapades - India. What better place to start than where it all began? The last time I travelled to India, I was 7 years old. We have a lot of family out there as well, and seeing that I was planning on taking my mom with me, it only made sense to go to the motherland. Along with taking a vacation from my Bollywood-esque life, I was hoping that the time away would allow me to sort my head out - determine, prioritize and plan for what is important to me at this point in my life. Not dwell on what has happened in the past, not worry about things I cannot control in the future, but focus on the present. There is little doubt that since my youngest brother's passing in 2010, I've been a mess. After almost two years of running around in circles, it was finally time to "move on." I finally realized that at the age of 32, I am far too young to throw in the towel and become victim to circumstances. I'm all too aware that life is completely unpredictable. If I am meant to die tomorrow, nothing is going to stop that from happening. But I finally decided that I am not about to sit around living my life as if I'm going to die tomorrow. It would be different if I was doing exciting things to make my "last days" enjoyable - but I wasn't. I was literally sitting around having life pass me by because I didn't know what else to do. Something changed though, and I decided that I want to go about my life as if I'm going to live tomorrow. Like I said, I know that life is unpredictable, but if all goes as it's supposed to, I have a few years left on this Earth, so I might as well make something of those years. I have a pretty good idea of the circumstances that caused this epiphany, but that's another blog altogether. In short, I finally decided that it was time to take control of my life and live it the way I see fit, not they way anyone else sees fit. After months and months and months of doctors, colleagues, friends, family, supervisors (I'm not kidding when I say I was a mess) telling me that I deserved to be happy, I finally realized that they were right. I do deserve to be happy! Once I came to this realization however, I was faced with a new problem - how?
So the plan, as I mentioned somewhere in that last paragraph, was to go on vacation and come back a bit more relaxed, with a bit more peace of mind and a clearer picture of where I want to go and how I intended to get there.
Our vacation took us first to Delhi, from where we went on a 13 day tour through Rajasthan, Uttar Pradesh, and Madhya Pradesh. We had an opportunity to see Delhi, Jaipur, Bharatpur, Agra, Orchha, Khajuraho and Varanasi before returning to Delhi and then heading to Punjab. Those first 15 days made no difference to my peace of mind plans. If anything, they wore me out completely! It was HOT and there was a lot to see! Around the end of the tour, I started to panic. The thought of returning to my life without gaining any sense of self scared me. That pre-vacation life is one that I didn't want to fall back into. But then I calmed myself down by reminding myself that I still had 4 weeks to go.
My cousin had come to Delhi when we first arrived and provided me with a cell phone for "our" convenience. It turns out that my massi jis (mom's sisters) and cousins had a hard time dealing with the fact that we were in India but still out of their reach. They made themselves feel better by calling us every..single..evening. It turns out the cell phone was also for their convenience! We were in touch with my cousins and my dad almost everyday, and each day, we were told that everything was fine and were asked how many days left until we returned to Delhi and moved on to Punjab to see them. It wasn't until one of my Californian cousins called and slipped up that we found out that my dada ji (dad's father), had had a stroke while we were touring. No one had wanted to tell us while we were on the tour, since it would be difficult arranging transportation back to Punjab - and because my dad didn't want to cause us stress while on vacation. Plus papa ji was recovering well and improving each day. Luckily, the slip came in the last few days of the tour and we were soon on our way to Punjab where we could see my papa ji and visit with the rest of our family.
My 86 year old papa ji is a very highly educated man, who spent his entire life learning and teaching. He and my grandmother lived in Chandigarh until my grandmother's passing in March. From Chandigarh, he was moved to rural Punjab to be closer to family and so that family could care for him. The last time I saw papa ji was in 2004, and at that time, he was completely self sufficient and healthy. When I saw him for the first time on this trip, I have to admit that I wanted to cry. In a relatively short time, my papa ji has become a frail man with signs of dementia. On the day that we arrived, I went into his room to see him, and he looked at me with a smile on his face, but no clue as to who I was. My cousin asked him if he recognized me. He said no. So after some gentle prodding, my cousin finally said "tuhade Shinde di Rupi ah" (your Shinda's (dad's nickname) Rupi). This is when he looked at me and started to cry. The same scenario repeated when my mom came into the room. This was the first time he had seen my mom and I since Rocky's passing.
I know now without a shadow of a doubt that I get my stubborn personality from my dad's side of the family, because after realizing it was us, this 86 year old man who couldn't walk, eat or remember for that matter, decided that he wanted to sit in the living room with us and everyone else. So my cousins carried him to the living room, and this is when we really realized how weak he had become compounded by the stroke. Luckily, the stroke wasn't as serious as it could have been, and so the situation was still better than it could have been.
Over the next week or so, papa ji made significant improvements in his strength, and has actually gone from only being able to have small amounts of oatmeal fed to him to being able to eat saag and makki di roti on his own. The effects of dementia are obvious though at times, which makes communication with him somewhat difficult.
The village where we were staying is called Talwandi Jattan, in the district of Hoshiarpur. This is where the sister just older than my mom resides. This village is known for its Sikh Temple - Rampur Khera Sahib. Each October, this temple hosts an 8 consecutive day religious program, called a samagam, during which people from near and far descend on the village to take part. One day, my massi ji and mom decided to go to the evening program. We liked keeping papa ji informed of what was going on around him so that he wouldn't feel neglected or unsure of what was happening, so my mom told papa ji that she and massi ji were going to the gurudwara. About an hour after they left, I went into papa ji's room to check on him and he asked me "you're not going?" Papa ji communicates with me exclusively in English. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks I don't know how to speak Punjabi, being from Canada and all, so I'll start talking him in Punjabi. But nope, he will always reply in English. Anyways, I told him that I wasn't going and that mom and massi ji had gone. He asked "why?" I told him about how I don't know what to believe and that I'm not sure if God really even exists, or maybe I think He does exist, but I'm mad at Him. He listened to this little explanation, and then pretty much laughed at me. I think a part of him may have been ashamed that I was his blood. lol This is when I believe I experienced the climax of my trip. In the conversation that followed, my grandfather told me that without belief, there is nothing. Without belief, we are losers. He explained that there are many, many examples of individuals in history who had nothing, and yet had everything simply because of their belief. He asked why I thought that was. He pointed out that my parents attend religious functions despite all that has happened to them, and asked if I though they were doing it for nothing. I told him that I wasn't sure and that I thought they were crazy. He replied "they're not crazy. They're not crazy. It is you who is misguided." For some reason, it is the "it is you who is misguided" line that has stuck out in my mind and has forced me to think hard about things. In this short conversation, my ailing 86 year old grandfather told me that giving up on belief and hope is cowardice. He told me that life is a journey, and sometimes a very difficult one, but the only way to succeed and come out a winner is to keep faith, no matter what. He encouraged me to believe, to not lose hope and to rise to life's challenges and face my fears rather than letting them consume me. He repeated over and over that "the truth is there." Like any Sikh, my papa ji's belief is that everything that happens is God's will, and that it is up to us to have complete faith that whatever He does is for the best. He acknowledged that this is no easy task. But he also said that this faith is something that we have to work hard to attain - it is not a matter of one or two days. It is a "tapasya" - a journey, and as long as I embarked on that journey honestly and earnestly, I would always be successful.
My parents raised my brothers and I in a household that believed strongly in the Sikh religion. My mom was a stay-at-home mom during the time we lived in Sparwood, and she used this time to teach us about our religion. I know that our Guru tells us that it is best to not get caught up in worldly possessions and relationships, because doing so will only bring us pain. The Guru tells us that our one true relationship is with God, and only this relationship will bring us peace, rather than despair. It is easy to believe this when things are going well, because we have no real reason to question anything. But when things turn for the worst, we end up questioning everything. In my case, I started by questioning the existence of God, but couldn't actually believe that He didn't exist, so instead I just became angry with Him. I know that it's a stupid way to go - really, how is my not going to the temple having any impact on Him? I doubt He's sitting up there overly stressed about the matter. But it's how I dealt with things. Recently though, things started to change. It's not that I stopped being angry, but I think at some point, I just gave up on trying to hate Him.
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