Well howdy everyone! It's been a while since I've posted, I think (not including the Eat Pray Love post that was 10 months late...oopsies!). I figure it's time for a good ramble. :)
So what have I been up to? I know I mentioned my personal "Happiness Project" a few posts ago, and I've been trying to stick to that as best as I can. I still have my bad days, and my really bad days, but they continue to get farther and farther apart, which is good - of course it's good. But I still, for whatever reason, cannot help but feel guilty about it. I don't know what it is. I've had this conversation with my doctor a few times in the recent past few weeks:
Doctor: Do you feel guilty about Rocky's passing?
Me: Yes.
Doctor: Do you know that there was nothing I could have done?
Me: Yes.
Doctor: If Rocky was sitting here right now, what do you think he would say to you?
Me: Move on.
In my heart of hearts, I know he's in a better place. I really do. But that being said, I just can't forget. And I think it's all of those memories that I have a hard time moving forward from. Watching my brother lay in that hospital bed, telling me that he wanted a small funeral. Thinking back to how he must have been imagining his own funeral based on his one and only funeral experience being that of our brother in 2002. Having a conversation about him about a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate - doctors wanted us to talk to him about signing one, or given that he was too sedated at times to make a decision, they wanted us to sign one...talk about an impossible decision), and having him tell me "Re..susc..i..tate...my body may be ready to go, but my mind isn't." Having our last conversations with him, saying our goodbyes, watching him hug and kiss my parents.
I CANNOT GET OVER IT.
Yes, I know he's in a better place now, but the reality is that he wasn't ready to go to that place. That is something I struggle with. I also know I give myself too much power. If trained oncologists weren't able to save him, then who the heck am I? But in this age of Internet, I keep feeling that I put too much trust in doctors and conventional medicine, without doing enough research on alternatives that might have been available. I wasted more time in prognosis than I did on cures. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel as if I missed some groundbreaking natural medicine that would have saved him. I apologized to Rocky for it late one night during the last week of his life. It was 2am and I had gotten mom to go lie down for a bit while I sat next to Rocky (we took shifts around the clock to sit with him). It was around 2am, and as he lay there, I felt him stir, so I asked him whether he knew how much I loved him. He said he did, and that he loved us all. And then I apologized. He shook his head and said "don't do that to yourself." When Dr. Barrio came to see hiim the Friday before he passed away, I had a minor meltdown at his bedside, and despite the fact that he could no longer speak or open his eyes, he lifted his arm and moaned loudly - a clear objection to what he was hearing.
I was his voice. No one understood him like I did. During that last week when he couldn't speak for himself, I spoke for him, I understood for him, I demanded for him. Rocky was my everything, and to this day, almost three years later, I have a very difficult time coming to terms with the fact that he's no longer here.
Amar died just over 11 years ago, and while his passing seems like an eternity ago on some days and just yesterday on others, Rocky's passing always feels like an eternity ago. It's been so long since I've talked to him, since I've hugged him, since I've held his hands, since I've run my hand through his ringletty hair. His hair. He always had beautiful hair, but after chemo, it came back in ringlets. I kept asking him if I could feel it. He kept saying no. I felt it after he passed away, when he could no longer stop me. As odd as it may sound, when I think about it, I can still feel those ringlets on the palm of my hand.
One day a couple of years ago, I got together with a few girlfriends to discuss fundraising ideas. A couple of my friends brought their friends. We sat around talking and smiling. I didn't shed any tears that day, although it had been a mere months since Rocky's passing. At home things were a mess, but at this get together, I was good. As we were in the middle of our meals, one of my friends' friends, a very religious girl, turned to me and said that she had to tell me something. I looked at her, and she said "Rocky's here. And he wants me to tell you to get your shit together." I was dumbfounded...and then I lost it. Poor Rocky probably shook his head, said "stupid lady" and left. But the more I think about it, the more I feel like he really probably was there and probably did want that message conveyed. Things were pretty bad at home, and I was a mess and did indeed need to get my shit together...
So after very difficult, life altering decisions, I finally managed to get onto the path towards "getting better." It's been a long time coming. I never understood what people meant when they said that I had to care for myself before I could care for my parents. I didn't understand why it was necessary for me to be selfish and put my needs first. I've always assumed the caretaker role. I've always been in control. And all of a sudden, things were so far out of my control that I had no idea how to get back on track...and then one day, it just clicked.
I started with a BeachBody cleanse. I came across a sponsored ad on FB for Leslie Moodie Fitness. I clicked on the ad and saw that we had a mutual friend who is a doctor, and so immediately felt that I could trust her. I followed her and noted that she was raving about a cleanse that she was doing and asked her for details. After talking to her, I signed up. It was a tough, but very rewarding 21 days. For the first time, I was able to realize just how wrong I was treating my body. I ate right, and felt amazing! Once the cleanse was up, I joined CrossFit, only because a friend of mine literally sat at my desk at work until I signed up for the Groupon that was being offered.
I am a self-proclaimed quitter. I don't have the ability to stick to anything, and so when I joined CrossFit a few months ago, I chose not to tell anyone. Afterall, I was doing it for myself and not anyone else. No one needed to know. That and there's no pressure to keep going if no one knows what you're doing. But word got out at work, and then I liked a video of myself that was posted, and word got out on Facebook as well. Oops. So now, because I have people coming up to me on a near-daily basis at work asking how CrossFit is going, I have to keep going. The need to please is a huge burden to carry!
So I've been CrossFitting regularly for about 6 weeks now and am seeing enormous changes in strength. People are noticing the difference and commenting almost every day. I looked back on pictures and holy moly I can't believe just how big I had gotten. Emphasis on holy moly. I'm literally shaking my head thinking back to that comparison. Maybe one day I'll post it...or maybe not. :P :D
For the first time ever though, I feel as if I might just be able to do this! I may be able to end up fit and healthy. I may be smaller than I've ever been before. I may learn to love myself. I am starting to more and more each day, which I guess is a step in the right direction.
I have amazing support though, which always makes moving forward easier. I have always said that I have amazing friends - and I stand by that statement. My friends are in large part, the reason that I'm still here today. There were days in the last few years when I didn't think I could do it anymore, but these wonderful people carried me through, and here I am...still here. I believe I have also mentioned how I keep crossing paths with people who motivate, inspire and encourage me to be a better person. Often completely unlikely sources - ahem, San Fran bazillionaire entrepreneur? Yeah, no idea! - but somehow, they enter, teach and exit...or sometimes stay (not the bazillionaire though, sadly...he exited...lol). And most recently, I've crossed paths with Leslie, who got me on the path to healthy eating, and then the Makers Body CrossFit team of North Vancouver. They're so supportive and passionate about healthy living that it really does rub off on people like me. I find myself WANTING to go sweat like a pig and make a fool of myself doing exercises that I can't do. I don't even want to know what I look like doing a burpee...lol...but these people are always so supportive - come on Randeep, 5 more...4, 3, 2, 1, atta girl! Just awesome.
So that's where I am. Trying to keep the CrossFit thing consistent. Trying to get my diet on track (food is a necessity, not a luxury...a mantra I'm trying to believe!). Trying to just be a better person, inside and out. I did manage to do the Grouse Grind for the first time everrrrr a few weeks ago! Does anyone remember what I looked like even a year ago? The GG was definitely not an option! But it is now, and I did it! I didn't do it as fast as I thought I would, but I..did..it. That alone is a huge accomplishment and one that I'm proud of. I'll have to go again once before the end of the season to see how my time changes from the first go. Planning on doing the 5K Colour Run and the 5K Terry Fox Run in September, and the 10K Sun Run in April, as well. I have a long way to go, but I've come a long way already.
For the first time in a very long time, I am happy with the direction in which my life is going, and despite my feelings of despair and sadness, I know my kid brothers are looking down proudly as well. And that makes me happy...in a sad kind of way.
Love you boys. Now and always. <3 <3
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