As I sit here, just over 24 hours from turning the page on 2014, I can't help but take a look at the last year. I suspect many people do this around this time of year. Like all years, this one has had its share of ups and downs, but the highlight of this year has got to be little Jai.
2014 started off with an absolute bang, when this adorable little monster's mother, one of my dearest friends, surprised us at midnight with an ultrasound picture, revealing to us in the greatest possible way, that she was expecting. From January to July, everything revolved around her pregnancy. Partly because it was all so fascinating that we were going to have a little human in our close knit circle, and partly because of the neurotic-almost-psychotic prego that she is. lol
And then on July 6, little Jai finally made his grand entrance into this world. I've never been in such close proximity to a newborn. I have cousins with children, but none living here. This was my first exposure to a brand new life. And what an exposure it was. Watching little Jai grow over the last few months has been nothing short of fascinating. Watching him become more aware of his surroundings, start recognizing and responding to people, playing with toys and almost being able to see the wheels turning in his little head - it's all been absolutely amazing.
Other than little Jai, the year has been pretty quiet. I made the "mistake" of venting to my girls one night that I was unsatisfied with my life and what I had (or hadn't) achieved in my life. It has been no secret that life has not been kind to my family since 2002. Amar's passing pretty much set my life on a course that I honestly don't think it would have taken had he not died. I made bad decisions, and I paid for them with my time, and mental and physical wellbeing. Rocky's passing in 2010 did nothing to help matters of wellbeing, but strangely enough, his battle and passing gave me the strength to make life-changing decisions about my own life. I finally had the courage to cut ties with people who were doing nothing to help me grow as a person, but rather were causing me grief in many, many ways. I've been on the journey to self-realization now for just over three years. This has consisted largely of putting myself first. For the longest time, I was someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's wife, someone's daughter in law. I was never Rupi. Who was Rupi? I had no idea, because I never had the opportunity to live life for myself or on my terms. One night in June, it all came boiling to the surface and I vented to my girlfriends about it. In my rant, I mentioned all I wanted to do - including bungee jumping. Seriously. My girlfriends - you tell them one thing in a moment of emotion and they get all serious about making it happen. lol So one fine August morning, we made the trek to Whistler to go jump off a bridge. Scariest thing I have ever willingly (kind of) done. Once it was over though, I realized just how much life can change if you conquer your fears and rise above them. In the 7 seconds it took from leaving the platform to the first bounce, I remember thinking so many different things. People aren't kidding when they say their life flashed before their eyes in terrifying moments of life and death. It's INSANE how fast so many thoughts cross your mind. But I survived, and I realized that if my friend had not literally dragged me to Whistler, I never would have faced this fear. One of my biggest fears in life is having my parents outlive me as well. I am so terrified of the prospect of them losing yet another child, that I let it dictate my life. Because of that fear, I have a thousand other fears. I realized this year though, that I can't continue living my life this way. Life is so short. It's so precious. I have seen up close just how fast it can be taken away. It isn't fair to allow one fear to create so many others. Living in fear is not living. That has been my biggest lesson this year.
I continued cutting ties with people who weren't adding to my growth this year. I am absolutely done with negativity. I want to live my life surrounded by positivity and people who bring good things to my life. I am much more interested in having a small group of close friends than a large group of acquaintances. With my current circle, I am free to be who I am, without fear of judgement. That has been very important for my emotional health. For too many years, I was not permitted to be myself. I was expected to put my own thoughts and feelings aside and be someone I wasn't because it was the only way to keep the peace. I realize now, in hindsight, what terribly toxic relationships I maintained, just to feel accepted. That has now changed. I am no longer afraid of being who I am. Heck, I'm not that bad! I still struggle though, and there are some very hard days that I struggle to get through sometimes, but those days are getting farther and farther apart. Thank goodness.
I miss my brothers immensely. That has not changed. But the heart-wrenching pain that I felt at one point is slowly numbing. I don't think I'll ever fully come to terms with what has happened. I don't think I'll ever stop thinking about what could have been or what should have been. I'll likely never stop thinking about how different things would be if they were here. Thinking about what they would have looked like and what they could have achieved. But I try and tell myself that they are in a better place, and that one day, we will all be reunited. For now, I almost feel that it is my mission to live life as happily as possible, so that I can do their memories justice. There are days when I think back to Rocky's cancer journey and it takes everything out of me to not break down. I don't think I'll ever come to terms with how much he suffered and I think that is something that I will struggle with for the rest of my being, but it is my hope to not allow those thoughts to become debilitating. Late this year, I also started seeing a counsellor. It was finally time to get help for all that I have on my plate. I sat down one night and made a timeline. I asked on Facebook a while back for my friends to describe me in a word. One friend described me as an onion. At first I didn't understand, but as I sat and made a timeline and wrote down all that was on my mind and what I thought was troubling me, I realized that I really am nothing short of an onion. I have so many layers to work through and they all get stuck together sometimes and are hard to separate, and when someone tries to sort through them, even they are driven to tears. A friend of mine decided to do a case study on my life for her Psyc nursing course. She said even her instructor cried and said that she hoped the story wasn't real. I'm known to crack jokes at the most inappropriate times, so the first thought that came to mind was "Score! We made a Psyc instructor cry!" lol In all seriousness though, life is hard.
I've continued trying to make strides in my physical health this year. After some time away, I returned to Crossfit. In yet another moment of despair, I asked a friend out of frustration what my "scene" was. I showed her a picture of a night out with friends where I was SO out of my element and SO uncomfortable. She asked me how I felt at Crossfit. Hot diggity! I knew I loved Crossfit, but I didn't even realize how much I felt that I belonged there. I have to say, I was pretty pleased to realize that a gym is what I felt my "scene" was. Who EVER would have thunk it! lol
Social media is full of profiles of people working hard to improve their physical health. Pages upon pages are dedicated to health, fitness and nutrition. It's disappointing to see that emotional health is not as mainstream. There still seems to be a stigma attached to mental health. I can personally say that working on mental health is just as hard as working on physical health - if not harder. It requires dedication and sometimes a complete "rewiring" of thoughts and feelings that have been there for years. It is not easy - by any stretch. I am so SO blessed to be surrounded by amazing, supportive friends and family who encourage me each day to be a better person and to focus on myself and my emotional health. There are many who are not as lucky. It is truly heartbreaking to think of the hopelessness that they must deal with each day. I have had hard days. I have had very hard days. Just this past October, I felt like I took an enormous step backwards when I considered taking myself to Emerg because my thoughts were scaring me. It was surprising that even after all of the improvements I've seen over the last three years, I could still fall back into that despair so easily. It was also a wake up call. I couldn't sweep the emotional part under the rug any more. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign that you are strong enough to know yourself and what you need. That being said, I hate going to see counsellors. Sessions are always so heavy and I hate feeling the way I do afterwards, but I think they say it gets easier the more you go. Here's hoping. :|
So that's been my year. I look and feel better physically and emotionally than I have in years, but like all things, it is a constant work in progress. There are constantly improvements to be made.
My goals for 2015 are more of the same. To keep working on being the best version of myself as I can. Surround myself with positivity. Love those that love me and cut loose those that don't. Love and respect myself first and foremost before I expect anyone else to do so. My goal in life is really just to be happy. To calm my overactive, overanalyzing brain and to just have peace and contentment. I can't believe 2014 is almost finished. It still boggles my mind that I haven't been on here in a year. But I hope to make 2015 even better. I look forward to seeing what it holds. Whatever it may bring, good or bad, I know it will continue to help my soul grow. To help shape the person I am and the person I need to be. I have survived a lot and I feel that I can survive almost anything at this point. Dear God - that is not a challenge. Please do take it easy on me. <3
I struggle each year to recall all that happened during the year. I came across an idea that I thought was brilliant, and one that I will definitely be taking up in the coming year. Who's with me?
Wishing everyone near and far, a very happy new year. May 2015 bring you the best of health and happiness, and bring peace to all of our lives.
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