Just a little while ago, I was laying in bed unable to sleep. I picked up my phone for the nth time to see if anyone else was having this same problem (sure enough, I had company!), and when I did, my eyes fell upon the date. December 30. It's hard to believe that this year is almost over. It feels like just yesterday that I blogged "Goodbye 2012...Hello 2013." And yet, here we are - already a full 364 days under the belt. It really is amazing how fast life passes us by.
Looking at today's date got me thinking, and so here I am with my laptop and cup of tea, reflecting on the year that has passed and pondering the year before us.
2013 has been an interesting year. There have been ups and downs, but overall, this has been a year of new beginnings for me. 2009-2011 sucked. 2012 was the beginning of a new me, and I'm happy to say that the momentum picked up in 2013. I had a good feeling about 2013 right from the onset, and I am happy to report that I was not disappointed.
The year started off with the selling of my parents' house. This was a huge deal for us. This house was the first house my parents purchased when we moved to the Vancouver area. Both of my brothers left us in that house with painfully empty bedrooms full of their belongings. That house had many memories. Graduations, birthdays, anniversaries, laughs, tears, hugs, kisses - so many memories. But after Rocky's passing, those memories became unbearable, and we became prisoners in our own home. After trying on and off over a couple of years to sell the house, but not being able to, it suddenly and by complete fluke really, sold at the end of December 2012, and we left the house at the end of January. My parents and I all thought it was going to be a lot harder to leave than it was. In the end, not one of us missed that house. We were relieved to realize that the memories of our sons and brothers are not tied to any residence, but to our hearts. All of those memories are still there, but without the constant reminders of the things they left behind. I don't know if that makes sense, but it does in my head! While our new house was being constructed, we spent a couple of months living in a teeny, old 2 bedroom house on my dad's business property. Going from a house the size that we were used to into a tiny little place in an industrial neighborhood was "interesting." Waking up on Saturday morning to trucks being moved and machinery being turned on and clients right outside my bedroom door was not my cup of tea, but at the same time, it was fun. The three of us ate dinner together in one of the rooms in front of the television. We took turns using the tiny single bathroom in the house. We had big, heavy iron gates on the property that had to be opened and closed whenever we were going to leave or return outside of business hours. I realized that I am quite spoiled - often times, especially if it was raining, my dad would drag himself out of bed to open the gates for me before work in the morning. I started calling him Ram Singh - a common name for gatekeepers in Bollywood movies. Every evening, once the gates were closed, we would open the door and Magic would go bounding all over the property - sometimes chasing rabbits and other times just exploring this big new yard. All in all, it was an adventure and the couple of months we did spend there turned out to be pretty fun.
During this time, I was also introduced to CrossFit. At a friend's gentle prodding (or outright pushing), I signed up for CrossFit in North Vancouver. Never in a million years would I have thought that this gym is where I would find solace. Lifting heavy weights and competing with myself class after class was liberating and empowering. Everything about this experience was just amazing. The coaches were so encouraging and constantly motivated me to push beyond what I thought I could do, and sure enough, there were some things that I never thought I could do, but apparently could, and there were other things I never thought I'd be able to do, but over time, was able to. Truly amazing what our bodies are capable if we really put them to work.
We moved into our new house in March and what an adjustment that was. It didn't feel like home for a long time. The dog stood at the front door waiting to leave, and mom, dad and I kind of felt like doing the same. But with time, we all adjusted, and we all love the new house, the new neighborhood and the freedom to move around without fear in our home.
With this change, as well as the CrossFit, came more positive changes. All of a sudden my outlook has shifted from depressive and doomed, to something more optimistic. I'm not going to lie and say that everything is perfect now and that I am completely optimistic about the future - heck I just had a meltdown last week and just about ate all the chocolates I had bought for someone else. BUT, there has been a big change. Suddenly life doesn't feel so scary anymore. Having a marriage fall apart isn't the end of the world. Being single isn't so dreadful. In many ways, being single is better than being in a relationship! Of course in many ways being in a relationship is better than being single too, but I don't focus on those things. lol Being able to put my fears and constant thoughts of "what if" aside has enabled me to focus on the present. It has allowed me to realize what I want to do now in order to build a better tomorrow for myself. My parents and my closest girlfriends have been instrumental in helping me move forward. From constant pep talks to pushing me out the door to reverse psychology to celebrating my small victories - they have helped me to become a better person this year than I was last year.
This has been a year of firsts for me. Let's just make a list shall we?
1. Life is a play and there is a constant changing of cast and characters as the play progresses. For the first time ever, I was able to direct my own play and made some decisions on who was going to star in the show. While some new faces appeared, a few old faces were let go simply because they were not contributing enough. For the first time in a long time, I decided that I don't want negativity in my life anymore. I'm done with it. Life is too short, and I want to live whatever days I have surrounded by positivity. While it was difficult letting some people go, I know it was important for my own wellbeing, and for the first time in a long time, I am completely alright with being selfish.
2. I did the Grouse Grind! Of course I did it on a Sunday morning after fasting all day Saturday and didn't even take a water bottle with me...clearly did not think this through enough, and my time showed this, BUT I DID IT! A couple years ago, I would never have even wanted to think about it let alone attempt and complete it! This was an enormous boost of confidence for me and something that I am proud of. I have to go back and redeem myself time-wise though. There is no way it should have taken as long as it did!
3. I attracted the attention of a few gentlemen this year! hahaha! Okay, a lot of girls will say that they find this kind of thing annoying, but hey, after years and years of no attention from the opposite sex, I welcomed this attention and enjoyed every bit of it! Ahh gotta love cameramen at weddings. Definitely one of my favorite memories of 2013 - absolutely hilarious and absolutely flattering!
4. I enjoy shopping?! Who would have ever thought I'd say those words?! But things just fit so much nicer now than they did at the beginning of the year! This is a mixed blessing though. While I love shopping, my account balance does not. Sigh. And shoes - oh dear. I feel the beginnings of a major problem coming on. And I love taking pictures now too! I used to avoid cameras like the plague, but not anymore! One of my dearest cousins commented a while ago that she was happy to see more pictures of me on my Facebook profile, since I never had pictures up before. A new friend also commented when we first started talking that I had too few pictures of myself up. That's clearly changed. I'm a selfie-fanatic now. :P
5. I chopped off my hair and got a bob! Scariest decision I've made in a long time, but I did it, and I love it! And so do a bunch of other people! Yay!
6. For the first time in my entire adult life, I celebrated my birthday with some of my closest friends. I haven't ever done this before, and I'm glad I did it this year. You have to be in a happy place in order to celebrate anything, and I'm glad that I have been able to get to a place where I am comfortable celebrating me. I'm really not all that bad, so why not? Many thanks once again, to all of my friends who encouraged the idea, and who took time out of their busy schedules to make me feel special on my day. :)
Anyways, that's a bit on the firsts that I was lucky enough to experience this year. All in all, it has been a great year, and it has taught me a lot about who I am, what I want in life and also how I want to remember my brothers. I have always identified myself as the sister who lost two brothers. In recent years, I have been "Rocky's sister" before anything else. This year, I've started to realize that those brothers of mine deserve to be remembered more positively and in order for that to happen, I have to be happier, healthier and more at peace with the fact that they are in a better place. This year I was able to shut down their Facebook memorial page to everyone. I have decided that I don't need everyone to know how I feel and how much I miss them. That's between me and my heart. I contemplated removing the page altogether, but that seemed to be too much at the time, so I simply removed everyone and made it a private page. I like it better this way.
Life is a journey. There are ups and there are downs. Some days are better than others. For me this has been a year of tremendous growth. For someone else it will have been a year of complete loss. The key is to keep moving forward though, without giving up. Giving up is not an option, although sometimes it definitely feels like a good one. I have been to rock bottom. I have contemplated ending it all because I could no longer cope. But this year has been a lesson, and it has shown me that time does not always remain the same. Where there are downs, there are bound to be ups. Where there is darkness, there is bound to be light. Sometimes just staying afloat is a struggle, but other times you find yourself not only swimming but if you keep pushing, eventually the currents will help you along rather than work against you. That's been my experience. In all this rambling, my single message to anyone who may be struggling through all that life throws ones way is to keep on pushing. Don't let circumstances dominate you. Take them in stride, and move forward one day at a time. At some point, the stars will align and work with you. And the importance of positive thinking cannot be overemphasized. As hard as it is, and I know how hard it is, it is the only way to think. Because if we think any other way, we're really just digging ourselves a hole.
Anyways, that's my late-night rambling for tonight! If I go to sleep now, I can still get an hour and a half in before it's time to get up for work. :| Stay tuned over the next couple of days for my hopes for 2014. You know I'm all about sharing! If I don't get back before January 1st though, I wish everyone a very happy new year and hope that the coming year brings health and happiness to every one of you. <3
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