What is Life?

Well, it's 3:28am, and I've been kept up all night by a question that was posed earlier this evening by a friend.  What is life?  What is its purpose?

Anyone who knows me well knows that this is probably the number one way to mess with my head. :)  So here I am, once again, pondering what the purpose is of this life.

As everyone knows, our experiences shape the people we become, and we are constantly changing based on those experiences.  There is zero doubt at all that the loss of my siblings has played an enormous role in my becoming the person that I am today.  I've stated many times to my closest friends that had it not been for Ricky passing away, I likely wouldn't have gotten married to the person I did.  Had it not been for Rocky passing away, I likely would not be in the process of ending that same relationship.  But those two young men did pass away, and with them came drastic, life-altering decisions that I can honestly say would not have been made had they been around.  The question then arises - why?  Why did Ricky's passing trigger a hasty decision to get married?  And why did Rocky's passing trigger the courage to end that same marriage?

The only thing I can think of is that after Ricky passed away, life became hard.  Very hard.  I can only say that it seemed like a good idea to get married at that time to provide a much needed distraction.  I'm not saying I sacrificed myself for the good of my family.  That's not the case.  I'm not that selfless.  I honestly did think that the person I was marrying was "the one."  There was no doubt that I wanted to marry him, but as they say, hindsight is 20/20, and as I look back, there were many signs that the idea probably wasn't a good one.  But in any case, he was "the one" at that time.

Then came Rocky's illness and subsequent passing, and all of a sudden, life became even harder.  Much harder.  What I don't sometimes understand is why, when Ricky's passing triggered a decision that would bring happiness to those around me, did Rocky's passing triggered a decision that would bring sadness.  Obviously no parent wants to see their child's marriage fall apart, so why did I put my parents through that at a time when they were already reeling from their losses?

Many times, I have wondered if I made a mistake leaving that relationship.  And each time, my heart and mind have told me that I have not.  Every single time, I come to the conclusion that life is too short to be anything but happy.  Life is too short to worry about what anyone but yourself feels is right.  Life is too short to waste.

DISCLAIMER:  I'm not telling everyone to go and get divorced.  That is absolutely not the case.  Every relationship has its issues.  Brother-sister relationships do, parent-child relationships do, husband-wife relationships do.  You don't walk away from a relationship when things get hard - you work hard to make those relationships work.   But sometimes, some relationships aren't meant to survive, and mine is one of those unfortunate relationships.  On the flip side, some relationships are forced to survive for various reasons.  In any case, the decision is for each to make on his or her own, based on his or her circumstances.  I can only say that based on where my life was at the time, walking away was the best decision for OUR relationship.

So back to the discussion about life.  I won't lie, there have been many, many times that I have been saddened by the reality that is my life.  Every now and again, I hear my parents reminisce about their youth and their "college days."  I have heard that the years of teens and 20s are the best years of ones life, and days that many think about as they get older and long to go back to.  I am now 33 years old, and already at a relatively young age (for the record, I feel much older), I find myself thinking back to "the good ol' days."  My teen years were spent under strict control of my parents.  The focus was solely on education, for good reason.  My parents, like every other parent, wanted their children to work hard and make something of their lives.  Being the eldest however, I was the experimental child.  Every rule was practiced on me and then relaxed for the siblings behind me.  I was the easy child though.  My focus was always on making something of myself (eldest child syndrome?), and that wasn't going to happen without an education.  So that's what I did - I studied.  Every Friday night was spent in the company of my textbooks.  Every weekend was spent studying.  Every summer was spent getting ahead by taking summer courses.  The efforts paid off and I ended up being, at times, a ridiculously successful student.  That work ethic continued into university, and after a couple of years of being unable to find my niche, I finally found it in Psychology.  After starting to work full-time at a job that was too good to give up, I cut school down to part-time.  Between working full-time and trying to finish school, I was left with little time to do much else...so I didn't.  Then in June 2002, Ricky passed away, and all of a sudden, life was turned upside down.  I was only 22 when Ricky was taken from us.  In hindsight, still a child, but one that was forced to grow up pretty quickly.  Any hopes of "having fun" were pretty much wiped out with Ricky's passing.  Through that struggle, I finally completed my university degree in May 2004 and by this time, was already engaged to be married.  I dove into wedding preparations and got married in August 2004.  In September, I switched gears, returned to school and started my path to a CGA.

For the next 5 years, that's what life was about.  School, work, marriage, school, work, marriage.  At 24, I was a wife, a daughter in law, a student and an employee.  Hindsight, again, is 20/20, and I see now that I was not much of a daughter or sister for those 5 years.  I simply didn't have time to be.  There would sometimes be weeks between the times that I spoke or saw Rocky, and THAT bothers me to this day.  Because of my priorities at the time, I missed out on 5 years of my brother's life.  Life was supposed to calm down once school was finished.  If I charge through now, I can be done by this time, and then I'll have time to do this and that.  But life doesn't work on our schedule.  That is a lesson that I have learned the hard way.  In June 2009, Rocky, as everyone knows, was diagnosed with cancer.  My priorities changed - he became my only priority.  But that didn't stop me from working.  That didn't stop me from taking courses.  I still did both of those things. 

Rocky died in August 2010, and my CGA still wasn't complete.

I considered quitting the CGA during Rocky's illness, when it became evident that he would not survive.  But my baby brother, in many ways, knew me better than I knew myself, and he must have been able to sense that I would be a quitter, because he told my husband at the time, to ensure that I completed the program.  He also  knew I could never say no to his wishes. 

Cost-benefit analysis is a topic discussed often in CGA courses.  There have been minimal benefits of a CGA to date, since I was already doing my current job before being designated.  But what did this CGA cost me?  It cost me time with my brother.  Time that I will never get back.  It cost me laughs, talks, fights, arguments.  It cost me countless memories.

I was 30 when Rocky passed away, and now 2 1/2 years later, I sit here and wonder, what I have to look back and reminisce about.

Do I look back and reminisce about how I spent all of my time with my textbooks in my teen years?  Do I look back and reminsce about the falling out after Ricky's passing?  Or do I look back and reminsce about sacrificing time with my brother in pursuit of a better career?

What will I look back to when I'm old(er)?

In November 2011, I finally learned that life is too short to be anything but happy.  That is one of the major lessons that Rocky taught me.  And that is why I left my marriage.  There was no point struggling in an unhappy relationship when he and I could both have a chance at happiness by being apart.

It has been a tough lesson, but one that is valuable.  The point of life is to be happy.  It's to love those around you, cherish each moment with them, because you just don't know what tomorrow holds.  It's to pursue goals, but not at the expense of everything else in your life.  I will never get a second chance to spend time with my brothers.  I have lost that opportunity, but hope that through my experiences, someone else may take advantage of the time they've been given. 

I don't know if I'll ever truly be happy in life, given the losses that my parents and I have suffered, but it would be cowardice to not try.  It would be an injustice to two amazing young men, who I feel in many ways, had to sacrifice their lives in order to teach me a lesson.  And to let that sacrifice go to waste would be unjustifiable.

So please, live life, be happy, cherish the time you have because no one knows what tomorrow will bring.

Love you boys - now and always.  Thank you...and I'm sorry.<3 <3