Faaaaaack!!

Well, I almost made it a month without something triggering uncontrollable anger/hate/hurt in me again. These are getting farther and farther apart, so I suppose I'm making progress, but it sure as hell doesn't feel like it today.

Let me start by saying that, in general, I don't like people. In fact, the more I deal with people, the more I like my brother's dog - Magic. He is loyal, always happy to see me, never talks nonsense back (other than the occassional nip at my hand, but I'm usually asking for it) and is appreciative of all that I do. That's a lot more than can be said for some people in my life. And the more I deal with these people, the more I hate my life. Yes, this is going to be a major Debbie Downer kind of entry, so be warned - if you don't want to put up with my whining or my negative attitude, don't read any further. And if you choose to read on, then please don' t tell me how horrible my attitude is - believe me, I'm already aware of it.

So what do I hate about my life? Let's count shall we?

1. I have outlived both of my siblings, leaving me virtually without someone "my own" that I can talk to and know will always be in my corner, no matter what.
2. My parents have outlived 2/3 of their children, leaving a huge amount of responsibility on my shoulders. If I had been an only child from the beginning, it wouldn't be this hard. Being forced into the role of only child at this late a stage in my parents life has its challenges.
3. I cannot seem to "move on" after losing my Rockstar. I know it's been 14.5 months, and that I should be getting "used to" the idea of him not being here anymore, but I'm not. Sheer mention of his name is pretty much enough to throw me into a downward spiral. It doesn't help that while I deal with the nightmare during the day, I relive his illness and his passing often in my dreams as well.
4. It seems that every time I look forward to something, it is ruined by a random act of stupidness. I'm not even kidding - something always happens. If not the day of, which is most often, then definitely the day after. For example, on Saturday October 15, I had a great day. I was awarded a scholarship from CGA-BC, I attended the 2010 Convocation to receive this scholarship, followed by dinner. Afterwards, I took my certificate to my parents' house and spent the night there where we all went to bed in pretty good spirits. The next day, I spent most of the day in Emerg with an insane migraine that we couldn't control at home. Prime example right there. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not meant to be happy.

There are other things I that I dislike about my life, but those are common issues that I'm sure everyone deals with. The issues described however, are the ones that I absolutely hate.

So, on the flip side, what do I love about my life?

Errr....

Um....

As ridiculous as this may sound - right now, I honestly cannot think of a single thing that I love about my life. Nice eh?

I know that most people will say that this is completely absurd, and that I still have so much to be thankful for, and that they're SURE that there has to be something about my life that I absolutely love - but I don't think there is.

A friend of mine recently had the following conversation:

Friend: ‎And somehow, I have to thank all of the tragedy that came this year- because as horrible as it felt, as hard as it crushed me, it had to happen to push growth upon me, it couldn't have happened any other way. Its always a hard thing to admit at the time, but after the lesson is learned- it opens our eyes to things that we were blind to previously. That's the beauty of life, ever evolving, ever changing, hard to predict, though always beholding some truth & reasons to its lessons. Gotta love it.

Me: Well said, and so true. I'd rather be an idiot though - tragedies suck. :( ♥

Friend: My dearest Rupi, tragedies teach us many things- there is good that comes from each thing bad/ you can't have a flower without the dirt, & some of the most beautiful flowers grow in the deepest dirt/ in the darkest conditions. ♥ Stay strong Rupi, I admire you very much.

Me: Tragedies do indeed teach us a lot. It's true. I was a w..r..e..c..k a few months after Rocky passed away (it was bad...just trust me on this one) and my friend demanded that I go get myself checked out. I couldn't get in to see my own doctor, so I went to Rocky's family doctor - he knew me well because I went to a lot of appointments on my Rockstar's behalf because his immune system was too weak to sit in a waiting room. Anyways, that doctor sat with me for half an hour and said something that stuck with me: "It sucks, and it's absolutely not fair, but think of this...those 60, 70, 80 year old people that you see and think are so wise didn't just get that way - they had to go through some tough experiences that made them that way." TRU DAT. When I look at myself, I see someone way beyond 32 years in terms of life experiences, and someone who has become very different from the friends she grew up with not too long ago. I have only these tough tough life experiences to thank for that. It's strange - on the one hand I know that I'm wiser than some people my age, but on the other hand, I know that I'll never get to have careless fun as those people get to. Ah tragedies...what to make of them.

Friend: Rupi, you can take those tragedies and turn them into fuel for something amazing. As a nurse I have been there to comfort patients as they die, all varying in ages- & I'll never have the answers/ I'll never know why it happens to... everyone differently- but I know that everyday is a chance to laugh, to appreciate every single thing that we have: whether its something as simple as having sight, having the ability to touch, feel, run- seeing things that way brings nothing happiness to my exsistence. You are wiser & stronger for what you have endured- keep laughing & being happy, do things that you've always dreamed of doing, you're still here & each day is a chance to heal that much more, to take chances. Everybody dies Rupi, but not everyone truly lives to the core of their being. ♥

Me: You are very wise my friend. And everything that you say makes perfect sense. I hope that there does come a day when I truly feel that I deserve to at least be happy. Sadly, right now, without my beautiful brothers, I don't feel like I can be...or should be. ♥

Friend: How can you not feel that you deserve to be happy my dearest Rupi??!!! Look at yourself in the mirror everyday & tell yourself "I am a good person & I deserve to be happy, my brothers would want that for me, I'm going to live my life the way that they would want me to." and tell yourself that over & over again- until it sticks Rupi, because its the truth/ you shouldn't be punished for something that was beyond your control, I never knew your brothers- but I can guarantee that they would want you to be happy Rupi- they would not want you to suffer. You have the chance to be anything you want, you are still here & you have people that love you and believe in you. Your brothers have never left you Rupi, their blood is in your veins, your share DNA, they are still with you- in every cell of your being & they will always be with you. They will never leave you. ♥

Me: ♥

So my friend pretty much made me feel like a heel, because she's right. I know she's right. In a lot of ways, I am blessed, despite all that has happened. So why can't I snap out of this feeling of despair and tell myself that I deserve to be happy and that my brothers would be happiest seeing me happy?

Maybe I'm being too easy on myself by saying that I have too much going on. It's easy to say that I have to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else. It's not easy though. How can I be selfish when my parents have been dealt with the shittiest cards I have ever seen? How can I tell them I have to take care of myself before I can take care of them? How can I put my own selfish needs before their real needs? And why should I feel that I have a right to be happy? I certainly don't feel that I have a right to be happy - why do I have that right when my younger brothers didn't? Why should I live life if they never got a chance to? The day Rocky was diagnosed, he said that he still had so much to do and mentioned that he wanted to see the Northern Lights. To be honest, I didn't even know what the Northern Lights were, so I googled it. Amazing! He wanted to travel - to see Vegas, New York, Europe. So the plan was for Rocky to get healthy, and I would gift him a trip to Alaska to fulfill his dream of seeing the Northern Lights, and then one by one, we would make all of his other dreams come true. The plan was that Rocky would get better and we would take a road trip to our hometown of Sparwood - a town we left behind 15 years ago. The plan was that Rocky would get better and we would resume our lives, with a new realization of what is important and what's not, with a new relationship and a sibling bond that no one else would ever be able to understand. The plan was that Rocky would get better...period.

But Rocky didn't get better. So how can I now want to see Vegas, New York and Europe? All of these places I wanted to visit well before Rocky was diagnosed. But since his passing, I feel as if I would somehow be deceiving him by travelling to these places. My own guilt gets in the way - why should I be able to see these places if he wasn't able to? Then there's the biggest question of all that torments me regularly "Why am I still living and he's not?" Why am I still living? Seriously, the heartache that I deal with every minute of every day is sometimes too much to bear. I would much rather have never been born than to deal with this sort of pain.

Yeah what doesn't kill me will make me stronger - the question is do I want to be stronger. At this very moment, the answer is no. I'd much rather have been killed instead.

And while we're at it - how is that people go to sleep and don't wake up? I really wish I knew the secret to that question - what did these beautiful, healthy, happy kids do to just not wake up one day? But knowing that and then acting on it would be suicide wouldn't it? Can't do that. My problem is compounded exponentially by my need to please. Committing suicide would result in people saying that I was wrong to have taken such a drastic step. God forbid anyone ever say anything negative about me .

I dunno peeps. Life is hard, and I hate it. I'd much rather be an immature idiot who knows nothing of life and is oblivious to hardship. Learning lessons this way just blows.

Anyways, I'm not going to proofread this before posting, so I'm pretty sure I'm all over the map on this one. I don't even remember where I started but just don't care enough tonight to go and see. That's all for now...

Relationships

What is it about relationships that draw us close to one another. What defines a relationship? In order to feel close with someone, to share their joys and sorrows, is it necessary for that relationship to have a title?

In late April/early May, I returned from California following my young cousin's tragic and sudden passing. While in California experiencing yet another tragedy in my family, I, for the first time, had an opportunity to meet my aunt's side of the family. My baby brother, Rocky, who as most of you are aware, passed away in August 2010, always told me how much fun he had in California when he travelled there for our cousins' weddings. I saw the pictures and it did indeed seem that he had a great time. He loved my aunt's family, who I will call "the Californians." Having never met them, and never having had extended family around while I was growing up, I didn't understand what he felt and why he was always so eager to return to the Golden State.

Having gone down in April/May though, I got a glimpse of the love that Rocky referred to. Not only was everyone unbelievably loving, but they offered more support than some of my own family has. I felt more at home with them than I often did with my own family. Despite the terrible circumstances that took me to California, I returned home with the desire to go back. This must have been what Rocky was talking about.

School and work didn't allow me to go back until earlier this month. My purpose in going this time was to see my aunt and uncle, my beautiful cousin who lost a brother when my cousin passed away, and my darling sister in law, who lost her husband at a painfully young age. These were the people I wanted to see and spend my time with. These were the people that I knew understood my own pain better than anyone else. Seeing them and spending time with them was my priority. Having lost two brothers, I almost feel that I have a responsibility to try and take care of my extended family. At the same time however, I felt drawn to my aunt's family as well. Was it just the emotions surrounding April's tragedy that drew me to them? Or were they really that cool? It didn't take long for me to find an answer to my question. I started getting messages the morning after I booked my flight, and one crazy yahoo started planning my trip to Yuba City before I even knew what was going on.

When I got to California though, all of that love that I had received in April came flooding back. How is it possible for people to be so kind? It's still very foreign to me. I, myself, feel that I am amongst the more selfish people in the world, so I really don't understand how anyone can accept someone else so unconditionally the way the Californians accepted me. The entire week that I was there, never once did I feel that I was an outsider. Never once did I feel that I didn't belong. I received so much love (all packed around my midsection...gawd, still full from all the love!), that I felt that I had known them forever, when in fact this was my first time actually spending time with them.

Then comes the guilt. While my hilarious cousin was among us, I never had an opportunity to go to California and spend time with the family. And now that he's gone, I've gone out of my way to go see everyone. I feel so terrible about that. Some days I can actually feel his hurt even though he's not here. I wish I had told him how much he meant to me. I hope that he knows how much I love and miss him. In many ways I feel worse about losing my cousin than I do about losing my own brothers. My family knew that luck was not on our side. We got this harsh reality check when my brother Amar passed away in 2002. Life since 2002 has been difficult - very difficult. Life just became very different after Amar passed away. And then Rocky was diagnosed with cancer in June 2009 and passed away in August 2010. I shouldn't even be surprised at the sheer bad luck that is my life. I should have almost expected it. We just never had luck on our side. But my cousin's family. Wow. Their life was perfect. Both of my cousins were married. They both had wonderful spouses. My aunt and uncle were looking forward to grandchildren soon, enjoying life to the fullest, and all of a sudden their son gets ripped away from them, changing their life for the worse forever. I know what it's like to lose a family member, and maybe that's why it breaks my heart so much. I am seeing what their life was like, and what it has become. It hurts me so deeply when I think about how their laughing family has been destroyed by tragedy. My family was already destroyed, and became more destroyed after Rocky passed...but my aunt and uncle...their lives have only just changed. I find some solace in the fact that the Californians are all near my aunt and uncle and can support them to the best of their ability whenever they need. They're such an amazing group of people. If they can make me feel so loved, I can only imagine how they must make my aunt and uncle feel.

Relationships. They're complicated. And sometimes, you find your biggest support systems or your biggest allies in the most unlikely of places. I know that I have gained some wonderful friends in getting to know the Californians, and I find myself missing them already - and I've only been back a week. Sigh.

Inspirations

Well, I told myself over and over not to do it. But as those who know me are aware, I sometimes have an issue with listening - even when instructions are coming from myself. So I did it. Against my own orders, I watched Jack Layton's state funeral today...and I am glad I did.

What a tribute.

As I sit here now, I cannot recall many instances where I've been truly moved by something - anything. I cannot think of any one person who has inspired me to be more than I am (or think I am), to do better for the world and it's people - until today. And that too, without even being spoken to directly.

Hearing the various eulogies delivered today was indeed a moving experience. And getting a glimpse into Jack's private life has been a lesson of sorts. I am in awe of the person Jack was, and am honoured to have gotten a chance to watch the celebration of his life unfold in a couple of short hours.

Sarah Layton's eulogy in particular struck a chord with me. She spoke of a Jack that the public did not see. A Jack that was a husband, a father and a grandfather. A Jack who offered wise advice to his children, and who embarrassed them while they were growing up. A Jack who dropped by to spend time with his precious granddaughter. A Jack who was dedicated to his children more so than the public - which is hard to believe since he was pretty darn devoted to his role as a public servant. Sarah gave us a glimpse into a Jack that was known simply as "Dad." It's hard to believe, but Jack did have a private life. We've seen the outpouring of grief from the public, but have not seen that grief from his family, and yet, in hearing what they had to say, and in seeing the way they conducted themselves at the service, it is clear that they are very much grief-stricken. If I am so shaken by his loss, then I can only imagine how his family is feeling at the loss of such an important part of their lives. If we feel that we've lost a key figure in politics, I can only imagine how they feel about having lost a key figure in their family.

Another part of the service that really moved me was delivered by Reverend Brent Hawkes. He recalled one of his final conversations with Jack in which he said that things were not looking good, and that Jack was not afraid, but was looking forward to seeing his father (where's my Kleenex?). But then he said that Jack shed a tear and said that although he had led a privileged life, it was far from perfect, and that he wished that he had more time so that he could make amends with some people, and that if he had said or done anything to offend anyone, he was sorry. Wow. Jack Layton screw up? Ridiculous!

The thing about human nature is that after someone passes away, we stick them up on a pedestal and make them out to be perfect human beings. We recall all the wonderful things, and neglect all of the mistakes. The reality is that no one is perfect. We all make mistakes, and we all have regrets or things we wish we could go back and change. I for one appreciated this part of Reverend Hawkes' speech. I've done the same thing with my brothers but the reality is that my brothers also had shortcomings. We all do, and I appreciated that this was acknowledged for Jack...by Jack himself.

Olivia Chow, on video, and Reverend Hawkes also spoke about looking forward. Jack has laid the foundation, but it is upon us now to build on that foundation to make our world better. It is upon us to carry on his work. This doesn't mean that we have to support the NDP. We can still be Liberals, Conservatives, Greens, Bloc or anything else. But at the end of the day, the goal is the same - to make this world and this country a better place. Over the last week I've read more about Jack Layton and what he stood for. I've gained an appreciation for the person that he was and the legacy that he has left behind. And in doing so, I have felt that I too want to do something to help those around me and to make the world a better place. Throughout the service, we saw and heard things that gave us a glimpse into what Jack stood for - a world of fairness and acceptance of all, regardless of race, gender, culture or sexual orientation. What I all of a sudden don't understand though, is why is this a problem? Why can't we accept one another regardless of race, gender, culture or orientation? Why is a white man better than a black man? Why is a straight man better than a gay man? Why is a man better than a woman? Why?? Are we not all human? I've always been pro-different (technical term, just accept it), but I've only just realized that this intolerance that we've created is completely unacceptable!!

Jack Layton has awakened in me thoughts and ideas that are completely new to me...after his death. It's no wonder that he's been mourned the way he has - if he has this much power after he's already passed away, he must have been like superman while he was alive!

I am sad that Jack is gone. I am sad about how and when he went. But after having watched today's service, I have to say that my sadness and grief is not as overwhelming as it has been all week. I actually turned off the tv feeling inspired in a way that I've never felt before.

I hope that his party was equally inspired, and I hope that they are able to gain strength from what they have had the opportunity to witness over the last few months, because the country's eyes will be on them in the coming days, weeks and months. I hope that they are able to rally and show the country that they are able to move on without their charismatic leader and that they are able to build upon the solid foundation that he laid for them. I hope that they make him proud.

After my first brother passed away in 2002, someone handed me a piece of paper with the following words written on it:

"...everything comes when it must come. A life cannot be rushed, cannot be worked on a schedule as so many people want it to be. We must accept what comes to us at a given time, and not ask for more. But life is endless, so we never die; we were never really born. We just pass through different phases. There is no end. Humans have many dimensions. But time is not as we see time, but rather in the lessons that are learned."

After my second brother passed away in 2010, I found a piece of paper in his dresser drawer which had the following words written on it:

"Though nothing will bring back the hour, of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower, we will grieve not; rather find strength in what remains behind."

Together I think these quotes send a message that we all must understand - for our own sanity. And yes, I am definitely the first person that should live by the words that my brothers left for me. I carry both of these quotes with me wherever I go. And now, I will carry one more:

"Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world."

Don't let them tell you it can't be done.

The Honourable Jack Layton

Leader of Her Majesty's Official Opposition

July 18, 1950 - August 22, 2011

Rest well Jack. You will be missed.

And ps: If HE can taken an hour out of his day to go to the gym, none of us has an excuse!

So, I'm starting a blog...

So I'm starting a blog. More than anything, it's just a place for me to post my thoughts and opinions without getting in the way of people who may not be interested in what I have to say. If I put it here, they have an option to read, or not to read - whatever they prefer. To those who do choose to read, thank you for caring enough to take time out of your busy schedule to read my ramblings. :)

For those of you who know me best, you will know that the last couple of years have been very difficult. From my beloved baby brother being diagnosed with cancer in June 2009 at the age of 23, through all of the treatment, setback after setback, and ultimately his untimely passing in August 2010 at the age of 25, my family and I have dealt with some very difficult circumstances. I'm not sure what it is about death - for me anyways - once you've gone through it, you can't help but hurt for everyone else who goes through it. Rocky passed away in August 2010, and this year, as soon as we turned the page on July, the meltdowns began. This isn't to say that I haven't had meltdowns all year - oh yes I have. But the tension of it being anniversary month made this month very difficult, right from the start.

We had just gotten past a very rough few days - August 13 August 16 were ridiculously depressing - and were planning on getting started again on attempting to begin a new normal without our beloved Rockstar, without having to stress about upcoming anniversaries of this and that. The first time is definitely the hardest.

Then August 22 rolled around. I have a habit of reading the news on my laptop every morning before work. Nerdy, perhaps. But it's my way of easing into a long work day. I started up my laptop on Monday morning and up came the first headline - Jack Layton dies... I shut down the page and my laptop. I couldn't read even the headline beyond those first three words. While I can understand being saddened by the news of Jack's passing, I cannot understand the extent to which I was affected by the passing of this man. Yes he was charismatic, yes he was fun to watch and listen to, yes he fought for the little guy and was passionate about making the lives of Canadians better. But at the end of the day, he was a politician, I didn't know him, and I never voted for his party in the last election. So why the grief? I'm not kidding when I say that I was affected. It's strange and pretty unhealthy I think. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and I couldn't stop crying. I refreshed CBC constantly to read the latest tweats coming in live from Toronto and Ottawa, and have been doing so consistently since Monday. You could say that I'm obsessed, but I failed to understand why.

Perhaps my mourning Jack is really just me mourning my brother again. It's possible, I suppose. There are so many similarities between Jack's demise and that of my brother's. Both fought their cancer battles with resolve and both were confident that they had beaten the disease. Both looked fine in June, and both were suddenly gone in August. Both were relatively young - Rocky at 25 and Jack at 61. Both were cancers - Rocky being born on July 15 and Jack on July 18. And ironically, both were also struck down by cancer. Time and time again, I have said that Rocky was amazing. He said things before he passed away without so much as shedding a tear, which to this day amazes me. August 13 was Rakhri, or Raksha Bandhan. Translated, it means "the bond of protection" and involves sisters tying a thread around their brothers' wrists, symbolizing a sister's love and prayers of wellbeing for her brothers. In return, brothers vow to protect their sisters. In short, it is a day that celebrates the relationship of brothers and sisters. I tied rakhris around my brothers' wrists each year until the elder of my two younger brothers passed away suddenly in 2002. After that, I would do something special each year for Rocky, but stopped tying rakhris. Before he passed away, Rocky said he wanted me to go to our parents' house each year with two rakhris - one for him and one for our brother Amar. He also tasked someone with the responsibility to do something special for me, on his behalf. I can't tell you the degree of sadness that I felt when I was told about this wish last year in the Palliative Care ward of the hospital. So this year, on August 13, I did as he asked. I went to my parents' house with two rakhris. While I was there, I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers - my favorites, roses and lillies. The roses were dyed a beautiful shade of blue.  I opened up the card which said, "To my favorite 'stupid lady.' Love you sis. Rock." Of course I started wailing. I miss this kid so much. I was told later that Rocky had left specific instructions for my husband - flowers, should be blue, the card should say this. My heart broke after hearing this. What must Rocky have been thinking when he expressed his wishes? What must he have felt knowing that he was not going to survive? He never showed any disappointment and never once shed a tear in front of any of us. On the contrary, when we said our goodbyes, he said that he wanted to cry, but couldn't. Maybe it was shock. In any case, my heart breaks at the thought of what he must have been feeling.

It was no surprise when Jack passed away. Anyone who saw his July 25 press conference knew that things were not looking good, but I think I still thought that he could beat it. It was Jack afterall - he was a fighter! But when word came that he had passed away, it was still a shock. Maybe it would have been different if we had been told that he was deteriorating or not doing well. But the story went from saying that he was still aiming to return on September 19 to him being gone. While reading and rereading the story countless times, the story finally refreshed and a single new line set me off. It was a statement about how Jack had written a letter to Canadians which was released shortly thereafter. Once again, I was reminded of my beautiful baby brother. There is no doubt in my mind, that being the selfish person that I am, Canadians would have been the last thing on my mind if I was in Jack's place. However, being the man that he was, the Leader of the Official Opposition took the time to address the Canadians that he fought so hard for.

I don't know. For some reason, the fact that he thought of all of us during probably the most difficult time in his rapidly ending life made his passing even more unbearable. I still don't understand why I am so affected by his passing. Of course the grief that I feel now is nowhere near what I feel for Rocky, but it's pretty intense nonetheless.

Anyways, that's my rambling for now. Until next time...