Relationships

What is it about relationships that draw us close to one another. What defines a relationship? In order to feel close with someone, to share their joys and sorrows, is it necessary for that relationship to have a title?

In late April/early May, I returned from California following my young cousin's tragic and sudden passing. While in California experiencing yet another tragedy in my family, I, for the first time, had an opportunity to meet my aunt's side of the family. My baby brother, Rocky, who as most of you are aware, passed away in August 2010, always told me how much fun he had in California when he travelled there for our cousins' weddings. I saw the pictures and it did indeed seem that he had a great time. He loved my aunt's family, who I will call "the Californians." Having never met them, and never having had extended family around while I was growing up, I didn't understand what he felt and why he was always so eager to return to the Golden State.

Having gone down in April/May though, I got a glimpse of the love that Rocky referred to. Not only was everyone unbelievably loving, but they offered more support than some of my own family has. I felt more at home with them than I often did with my own family. Despite the terrible circumstances that took me to California, I returned home with the desire to go back. This must have been what Rocky was talking about.

School and work didn't allow me to go back until earlier this month. My purpose in going this time was to see my aunt and uncle, my beautiful cousin who lost a brother when my cousin passed away, and my darling sister in law, who lost her husband at a painfully young age. These were the people I wanted to see and spend my time with. These were the people that I knew understood my own pain better than anyone else. Seeing them and spending time with them was my priority. Having lost two brothers, I almost feel that I have a responsibility to try and take care of my extended family. At the same time however, I felt drawn to my aunt's family as well. Was it just the emotions surrounding April's tragedy that drew me to them? Or were they really that cool? It didn't take long for me to find an answer to my question. I started getting messages the morning after I booked my flight, and one crazy yahoo started planning my trip to Yuba City before I even knew what was going on.

When I got to California though, all of that love that I had received in April came flooding back. How is it possible for people to be so kind? It's still very foreign to me. I, myself, feel that I am amongst the more selfish people in the world, so I really don't understand how anyone can accept someone else so unconditionally the way the Californians accepted me. The entire week that I was there, never once did I feel that I was an outsider. Never once did I feel that I didn't belong. I received so much love (all packed around my midsection...gawd, still full from all the love!), that I felt that I had known them forever, when in fact this was my first time actually spending time with them.

Then comes the guilt. While my hilarious cousin was among us, I never had an opportunity to go to California and spend time with the family. And now that he's gone, I've gone out of my way to go see everyone. I feel so terrible about that. Some days I can actually feel his hurt even though he's not here. I wish I had told him how much he meant to me. I hope that he knows how much I love and miss him. In many ways I feel worse about losing my cousin than I do about losing my own brothers. My family knew that luck was not on our side. We got this harsh reality check when my brother Amar passed away in 2002. Life since 2002 has been difficult - very difficult. Life just became very different after Amar passed away. And then Rocky was diagnosed with cancer in June 2009 and passed away in August 2010. I shouldn't even be surprised at the sheer bad luck that is my life. I should have almost expected it. We just never had luck on our side. But my cousin's family. Wow. Their life was perfect. Both of my cousins were married. They both had wonderful spouses. My aunt and uncle were looking forward to grandchildren soon, enjoying life to the fullest, and all of a sudden their son gets ripped away from them, changing their life for the worse forever. I know what it's like to lose a family member, and maybe that's why it breaks my heart so much. I am seeing what their life was like, and what it has become. It hurts me so deeply when I think about how their laughing family has been destroyed by tragedy. My family was already destroyed, and became more destroyed after Rocky passed...but my aunt and uncle...their lives have only just changed. I find some solace in the fact that the Californians are all near my aunt and uncle and can support them to the best of their ability whenever they need. They're such an amazing group of people. If they can make me feel so loved, I can only imagine how they must make my aunt and uncle feel.

Relationships. They're complicated. And sometimes, you find your biggest support systems or your biggest allies in the most unlikely of places. I know that I have gained some wonderful friends in getting to know the Californians, and I find myself missing them already - and I've only been back a week. Sigh.