So I'm starting a blog. More than anything, it's just a place for me to post my thoughts and opinions without getting in the way of people who may not be interested in what I have to say. If I put it here, they have an option to read, or not to read - whatever they prefer. To those who do choose to read, thank you for caring enough to take time out of your busy schedule to read my ramblings. :)
For those of you who know me best, you will know that the last couple of years have been very difficult. From my beloved baby brother being diagnosed with cancer in June 2009 at the age of 23, through all of the treatment, setback after setback, and ultimately his untimely passing in August 2010 at the age of 25, my family and I have dealt with some very difficult circumstances. I'm not sure what it is about death - for me anyways - once you've gone through it, you can't help but hurt for everyone else who goes through it. Rocky passed away in August 2010, and this year, as soon as we turned the page on July, the meltdowns began. This isn't to say that I haven't had meltdowns all year - oh yes I have. But the tension of it being anniversary month made this month very difficult, right from the start.
We had just gotten past a very rough few days - August 13 August 16 were ridiculously depressing - and were planning on getting started again on attempting to begin a new normal without our beloved Rockstar, without having to stress about upcoming anniversaries of this and that. The first time is definitely the hardest.
Then August 22 rolled around. I have a habit of reading the news on my laptop every morning before work. Nerdy, perhaps. But it's my way of easing into a long work day. I started up my laptop on Monday morning and up came the first headline - Jack Layton dies... I shut down the page and my laptop. I couldn't read even the headline beyond those first three words. While I can understand being saddened by the news of Jack's passing, I cannot understand the extent to which I was affected by the passing of this man. Yes he was charismatic, yes he was fun to watch and listen to, yes he fought for the little guy and was passionate about making the lives of Canadians better. But at the end of the day, he was a politician, I didn't know him, and I never voted for his party in the last election. So why the grief? I'm not kidding when I say that I was affected. It's strange and pretty unhealthy I think. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and I couldn't stop crying. I refreshed CBC constantly to read the latest tweats coming in live from Toronto and Ottawa, and have been doing so consistently since Monday. You could say that I'm obsessed, but I failed to understand why.
Perhaps my mourning Jack is really just me mourning my brother again. It's possible, I suppose. There are so many similarities between Jack's demise and that of my brother's. Both fought their cancer battles with resolve and both were confident that they had beaten the disease. Both looked fine in June, and both were suddenly gone in August. Both were relatively young - Rocky at 25 and Jack at 61. Both were cancers - Rocky being born on July 15 and Jack on July 18. And ironically, both were also struck down by cancer. Time and time again, I have said that Rocky was amazing. He said things before he passed away without so much as shedding a tear, which to this day amazes me. August 13 was Rakhri, or Raksha Bandhan. Translated, it means "the bond of protection" and involves sisters tying a thread around their brothers' wrists, symbolizing a sister's love and prayers of wellbeing for her brothers. In return, brothers vow to protect their sisters. In short, it is a day that celebrates the relationship of brothers and sisters. I tied rakhris around my brothers' wrists each year until the elder of my two younger brothers passed away suddenly in 2002. After that, I would do something special each year for Rocky, but stopped tying rakhris. Before he passed away, Rocky said he wanted me to go to our parents' house each year with two rakhris - one for him and one for our brother Amar. He also tasked someone with the responsibility to do something special for me, on his behalf. I can't tell you the degree of sadness that I felt when I was told about this wish last year in the Palliative Care ward of the hospital. So this year, on August 13, I did as he asked. I went to my parents' house with two rakhris. While I was there, I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers - my favorites, roses and lillies. The roses were dyed a beautiful shade of blue. I opened up the card which said, "To my favorite 'stupid lady.' Love you sis. Rock." Of course I started wailing. I miss this kid so much. I was told later that Rocky had left specific instructions for my husband - flowers, should be blue, the card should say this. My heart broke after hearing this. What must Rocky have been thinking when he expressed his wishes? What must he have felt knowing that he was not going to survive? He never showed any disappointment and never once shed a tear in front of any of us. On the contrary, when we said our goodbyes, he said that he wanted to cry, but couldn't. Maybe it was shock. In any case, my heart breaks at the thought of what he must have been feeling.
It was no surprise when Jack passed away. Anyone who saw his July 25 press conference knew that things were not looking good, but I think I still thought that he could beat it. It was Jack afterall - he was a fighter! But when word came that he had passed away, it was still a shock. Maybe it would have been different if we had been told that he was deteriorating or not doing well. But the story went from saying that he was still aiming to return on September 19 to him being gone. While reading and rereading the story countless times, the story finally refreshed and a single new line set me off. It was a statement about how Jack had written a letter to Canadians which was released shortly thereafter. Once again, I was reminded of my beautiful baby brother. There is no doubt in my mind, that being the selfish person that I am, Canadians would have been the last thing on my mind if I was in Jack's place. However, being the man that he was, the Leader of the Official Opposition took the time to address the Canadians that he fought so hard for.
I don't know. For some reason, the fact that he thought of all of us during probably the most difficult time in his rapidly ending life made his passing even more unbearable. I still don't understand why I am so affected by his passing. Of course the grief that I feel now is nowhere near what I feel for Rocky, but it's pretty intense nonetheless.
Anyways, that's my rambling for now. Until next time...
No comments:
Post a Comment