Inspirations

Well, I told myself over and over not to do it. But as those who know me are aware, I sometimes have an issue with listening - even when instructions are coming from myself. So I did it. Against my own orders, I watched Jack Layton's state funeral today...and I am glad I did.

What a tribute.

As I sit here now, I cannot recall many instances where I've been truly moved by something - anything. I cannot think of any one person who has inspired me to be more than I am (or think I am), to do better for the world and it's people - until today. And that too, without even being spoken to directly.

Hearing the various eulogies delivered today was indeed a moving experience. And getting a glimpse into Jack's private life has been a lesson of sorts. I am in awe of the person Jack was, and am honoured to have gotten a chance to watch the celebration of his life unfold in a couple of short hours.

Sarah Layton's eulogy in particular struck a chord with me. She spoke of a Jack that the public did not see. A Jack that was a husband, a father and a grandfather. A Jack who offered wise advice to his children, and who embarrassed them while they were growing up. A Jack who dropped by to spend time with his precious granddaughter. A Jack who was dedicated to his children more so than the public - which is hard to believe since he was pretty darn devoted to his role as a public servant. Sarah gave us a glimpse into a Jack that was known simply as "Dad." It's hard to believe, but Jack did have a private life. We've seen the outpouring of grief from the public, but have not seen that grief from his family, and yet, in hearing what they had to say, and in seeing the way they conducted themselves at the service, it is clear that they are very much grief-stricken. If I am so shaken by his loss, then I can only imagine how his family is feeling at the loss of such an important part of their lives. If we feel that we've lost a key figure in politics, I can only imagine how they feel about having lost a key figure in their family.

Another part of the service that really moved me was delivered by Reverend Brent Hawkes. He recalled one of his final conversations with Jack in which he said that things were not looking good, and that Jack was not afraid, but was looking forward to seeing his father (where's my Kleenex?). But then he said that Jack shed a tear and said that although he had led a privileged life, it was far from perfect, and that he wished that he had more time so that he could make amends with some people, and that if he had said or done anything to offend anyone, he was sorry. Wow. Jack Layton screw up? Ridiculous!

The thing about human nature is that after someone passes away, we stick them up on a pedestal and make them out to be perfect human beings. We recall all the wonderful things, and neglect all of the mistakes. The reality is that no one is perfect. We all make mistakes, and we all have regrets or things we wish we could go back and change. I for one appreciated this part of Reverend Hawkes' speech. I've done the same thing with my brothers but the reality is that my brothers also had shortcomings. We all do, and I appreciated that this was acknowledged for Jack...by Jack himself.

Olivia Chow, on video, and Reverend Hawkes also spoke about looking forward. Jack has laid the foundation, but it is upon us now to build on that foundation to make our world better. It is upon us to carry on his work. This doesn't mean that we have to support the NDP. We can still be Liberals, Conservatives, Greens, Bloc or anything else. But at the end of the day, the goal is the same - to make this world and this country a better place. Over the last week I've read more about Jack Layton and what he stood for. I've gained an appreciation for the person that he was and the legacy that he has left behind. And in doing so, I have felt that I too want to do something to help those around me and to make the world a better place. Throughout the service, we saw and heard things that gave us a glimpse into what Jack stood for - a world of fairness and acceptance of all, regardless of race, gender, culture or sexual orientation. What I all of a sudden don't understand though, is why is this a problem? Why can't we accept one another regardless of race, gender, culture or orientation? Why is a white man better than a black man? Why is a straight man better than a gay man? Why is a man better than a woman? Why?? Are we not all human? I've always been pro-different (technical term, just accept it), but I've only just realized that this intolerance that we've created is completely unacceptable!!

Jack Layton has awakened in me thoughts and ideas that are completely new to me...after his death. It's no wonder that he's been mourned the way he has - if he has this much power after he's already passed away, he must have been like superman while he was alive!

I am sad that Jack is gone. I am sad about how and when he went. But after having watched today's service, I have to say that my sadness and grief is not as overwhelming as it has been all week. I actually turned off the tv feeling inspired in a way that I've never felt before.

I hope that his party was equally inspired, and I hope that they are able to gain strength from what they have had the opportunity to witness over the last few months, because the country's eyes will be on them in the coming days, weeks and months. I hope that they are able to rally and show the country that they are able to move on without their charismatic leader and that they are able to build upon the solid foundation that he laid for them. I hope that they make him proud.

After my first brother passed away in 2002, someone handed me a piece of paper with the following words written on it:

"...everything comes when it must come. A life cannot be rushed, cannot be worked on a schedule as so many people want it to be. We must accept what comes to us at a given time, and not ask for more. But life is endless, so we never die; we were never really born. We just pass through different phases. There is no end. Humans have many dimensions. But time is not as we see time, but rather in the lessons that are learned."

After my second brother passed away in 2010, I found a piece of paper in his dresser drawer which had the following words written on it:

"Though nothing will bring back the hour, of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower, we will grieve not; rather find strength in what remains behind."

Together I think these quotes send a message that we all must understand - for our own sanity. And yes, I am definitely the first person that should live by the words that my brothers left for me. I carry both of these quotes with me wherever I go. And now, I will carry one more:

"Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world."

Don't let them tell you it can't be done.

The Honourable Jack Layton

Leader of Her Majesty's Official Opposition

July 18, 1950 - August 22, 2011

Rest well Jack. You will be missed.

And ps: If HE can taken an hour out of his day to go to the gym, none of us has an excuse!

So, I'm starting a blog...

So I'm starting a blog. More than anything, it's just a place for me to post my thoughts and opinions without getting in the way of people who may not be interested in what I have to say. If I put it here, they have an option to read, or not to read - whatever they prefer. To those who do choose to read, thank you for caring enough to take time out of your busy schedule to read my ramblings. :)

For those of you who know me best, you will know that the last couple of years have been very difficult. From my beloved baby brother being diagnosed with cancer in June 2009 at the age of 23, through all of the treatment, setback after setback, and ultimately his untimely passing in August 2010 at the age of 25, my family and I have dealt with some very difficult circumstances. I'm not sure what it is about death - for me anyways - once you've gone through it, you can't help but hurt for everyone else who goes through it. Rocky passed away in August 2010, and this year, as soon as we turned the page on July, the meltdowns began. This isn't to say that I haven't had meltdowns all year - oh yes I have. But the tension of it being anniversary month made this month very difficult, right from the start.

We had just gotten past a very rough few days - August 13 August 16 were ridiculously depressing - and were planning on getting started again on attempting to begin a new normal without our beloved Rockstar, without having to stress about upcoming anniversaries of this and that. The first time is definitely the hardest.

Then August 22 rolled around. I have a habit of reading the news on my laptop every morning before work. Nerdy, perhaps. But it's my way of easing into a long work day. I started up my laptop on Monday morning and up came the first headline - Jack Layton dies... I shut down the page and my laptop. I couldn't read even the headline beyond those first three words. While I can understand being saddened by the news of Jack's passing, I cannot understand the extent to which I was affected by the passing of this man. Yes he was charismatic, yes he was fun to watch and listen to, yes he fought for the little guy and was passionate about making the lives of Canadians better. But at the end of the day, he was a politician, I didn't know him, and I never voted for his party in the last election. So why the grief? I'm not kidding when I say that I was affected. It's strange and pretty unhealthy I think. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and I couldn't stop crying. I refreshed CBC constantly to read the latest tweats coming in live from Toronto and Ottawa, and have been doing so consistently since Monday. You could say that I'm obsessed, but I failed to understand why.

Perhaps my mourning Jack is really just me mourning my brother again. It's possible, I suppose. There are so many similarities between Jack's demise and that of my brother's. Both fought their cancer battles with resolve and both were confident that they had beaten the disease. Both looked fine in June, and both were suddenly gone in August. Both were relatively young - Rocky at 25 and Jack at 61. Both were cancers - Rocky being born on July 15 and Jack on July 18. And ironically, both were also struck down by cancer. Time and time again, I have said that Rocky was amazing. He said things before he passed away without so much as shedding a tear, which to this day amazes me. August 13 was Rakhri, or Raksha Bandhan. Translated, it means "the bond of protection" and involves sisters tying a thread around their brothers' wrists, symbolizing a sister's love and prayers of wellbeing for her brothers. In return, brothers vow to protect their sisters. In short, it is a day that celebrates the relationship of brothers and sisters. I tied rakhris around my brothers' wrists each year until the elder of my two younger brothers passed away suddenly in 2002. After that, I would do something special each year for Rocky, but stopped tying rakhris. Before he passed away, Rocky said he wanted me to go to our parents' house each year with two rakhris - one for him and one for our brother Amar. He also tasked someone with the responsibility to do something special for me, on his behalf. I can't tell you the degree of sadness that I felt when I was told about this wish last year in the Palliative Care ward of the hospital. So this year, on August 13, I did as he asked. I went to my parents' house with two rakhris. While I was there, I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers - my favorites, roses and lillies. The roses were dyed a beautiful shade of blue.  I opened up the card which said, "To my favorite 'stupid lady.' Love you sis. Rock." Of course I started wailing. I miss this kid so much. I was told later that Rocky had left specific instructions for my husband - flowers, should be blue, the card should say this. My heart broke after hearing this. What must Rocky have been thinking when he expressed his wishes? What must he have felt knowing that he was not going to survive? He never showed any disappointment and never once shed a tear in front of any of us. On the contrary, when we said our goodbyes, he said that he wanted to cry, but couldn't. Maybe it was shock. In any case, my heart breaks at the thought of what he must have been feeling.

It was no surprise when Jack passed away. Anyone who saw his July 25 press conference knew that things were not looking good, but I think I still thought that he could beat it. It was Jack afterall - he was a fighter! But when word came that he had passed away, it was still a shock. Maybe it would have been different if we had been told that he was deteriorating or not doing well. But the story went from saying that he was still aiming to return on September 19 to him being gone. While reading and rereading the story countless times, the story finally refreshed and a single new line set me off. It was a statement about how Jack had written a letter to Canadians which was released shortly thereafter. Once again, I was reminded of my beautiful baby brother. There is no doubt in my mind, that being the selfish person that I am, Canadians would have been the last thing on my mind if I was in Jack's place. However, being the man that he was, the Leader of the Official Opposition took the time to address the Canadians that he fought so hard for.

I don't know. For some reason, the fact that he thought of all of us during probably the most difficult time in his rapidly ending life made his passing even more unbearable. I still don't understand why I am so affected by his passing. Of course the grief that I feel now is nowhere near what I feel for Rocky, but it's pretty intense nonetheless.

Anyways, that's my rambling for now. Until next time...