Okay I just realized that this post from November didn't actually get posted. A bit about my Indian vacay. I'll have to read what I wrote and post an update as to where things stand! I don't even know if I finished this post, but this many months later it seems pointless to go back and try doing so, so here it is... :)
Well, my much-anticipated 6 week vacation has come and gone in what seems to be just the blink of an eye. It's interesting how one can look forward to something for months, only for it to be over too quickly. That's how I feel right now about my trip to India. I booked this trip back in February, and at that time, thought 7 months would never pass. Well they did, and my 6 week leave from work began. And now, here I am with the vacation behind me, and the office back in sight. Those who know me will know that I have a tendency to analyze everything - and this vacation is no different.
Many of you know by now that the last decade has not been an easy one. From losing my first brother in June 2002, through to ending my relationship with CJ in 2012, during which period I also lost my beloved Rockstar, the last decade has brought many challenges my way. In addition to these challenges, other more minor issues stood in the way of leaving town for any extended period of time. Things settled down this year though, and so a vacation was finally on the cards.
There are many destinations around the world that I wish to travel to. But when it came to booking this particular vacation, it was easy to pick where I wanted to start my travel escapades - India. What better place to start than where it all began? The last time I travelled to India, I was 7 years old. We have a lot of family out there as well, and seeing that I was planning on taking my mom with me, it only made sense to go to the motherland. Along with taking a vacation from my Bollywood-esque life, I was hoping that the time away would allow me to sort my head out - determine, prioritize and plan for what is important to me at this point in my life. Not dwell on what has happened in the past, not worry about things I cannot control in the future, but focus on the present. There is little doubt that since my youngest brother's passing in 2010, I've been a mess. After almost two years of running around in circles, it was finally time to "move on." I finally realized that at the age of 32, I am far too young to throw in the towel and become victim to circumstances. I'm all too aware that life is completely unpredictable. If I am meant to die tomorrow, nothing is going to stop that from happening. But I finally decided that I am not about to sit around living my life as if I'm going to die tomorrow. It would be different if I was doing exciting things to make my "last days" enjoyable - but I wasn't. I was literally sitting around having life pass me by because I didn't know what else to do. Something changed though, and I decided that I want to go about my life as if I'm going to live tomorrow. Like I said, I know that life is unpredictable, but if all goes as it's supposed to, I have a few years left on this Earth, so I might as well make something of those years. I have a pretty good idea of the circumstances that caused this epiphany, but that's another blog altogether. In short, I finally decided that it was time to take control of my life and live it the way I see fit, not they way anyone else sees fit. After months and months and months of doctors, colleagues, friends, family, supervisors (I'm not kidding when I say I was a mess) telling me that I deserved to be happy, I finally realized that they were right. I do deserve to be happy! Once I came to this realization however, I was faced with a new problem - how?
So the plan, as I mentioned somewhere in that last paragraph, was to go on vacation and come back a bit more relaxed, with a bit more peace of mind and a clearer picture of where I want to go and how I intended to get there.
Our vacation took us first to Delhi, from where we went on a 13 day tour through Rajasthan, Uttar Pradesh, and Madhya Pradesh. We had an opportunity to see Delhi, Jaipur, Bharatpur, Agra, Orchha, Khajuraho and Varanasi before returning to Delhi and then heading to Punjab. Those first 15 days made no difference to my peace of mind plans. If anything, they wore me out completely! It was HOT and there was a lot to see! Around the end of the tour, I started to panic. The thought of returning to my life without gaining any sense of self scared me. That pre-vacation life is one that I didn't want to fall back into. But then I calmed myself down by reminding myself that I still had 4 weeks to go.
My cousin had come to Delhi when we first arrived and provided me with a cell phone for "our" convenience. It turns out that my massi jis (mom's sisters) and cousins had a hard time dealing with the fact that we were in India but still out of their reach. They made themselves feel better by calling us every..single..evening. It turns out the cell phone was also for their convenience! We were in touch with my cousins and my dad almost everyday, and each day, we were told that everything was fine and were asked how many days left until we returned to Delhi and moved on to Punjab to see them. It wasn't until one of my Californian cousins called and slipped up that we found out that my dada ji (dad's father), had had a stroke while we were touring. No one had wanted to tell us while we were on the tour, since it would be difficult arranging transportation back to Punjab - and because my dad didn't want to cause us stress while on vacation. Plus papa ji was recovering well and improving each day. Luckily, the slip came in the last few days of the tour and we were soon on our way to Punjab where we could see my papa ji and visit with the rest of our family.
My 86 year old papa ji is a very highly educated man, who spent his entire life learning and teaching. He and my grandmother lived in Chandigarh until my grandmother's passing in March. From Chandigarh, he was moved to rural Punjab to be closer to family and so that family could care for him. The last time I saw papa ji was in 2004, and at that time, he was completely self sufficient and healthy. When I saw him for the first time on this trip, I have to admit that I wanted to cry. In a relatively short time, my papa ji has become a frail man with signs of dementia. On the day that we arrived, I went into his room to see him, and he looked at me with a smile on his face, but no clue as to who I was. My cousin asked him if he recognized me. He said no. So after some gentle prodding, my cousin finally said "tuhade Shinde di Rupi ah" (your Shinda's (dad's nickname) Rupi). This is when he looked at me and started to cry. The same scenario repeated when my mom came into the room. This was the first time he had seen my mom and I since Rocky's passing.
I know now without a shadow of a doubt that I get my stubborn personality from my dad's side of the family, because after realizing it was us, this 86 year old man who couldn't walk, eat or remember for that matter, decided that he wanted to sit in the living room with us and everyone else. So my cousins carried him to the living room, and this is when we really realized how weak he had become compounded by the stroke. Luckily, the stroke wasn't as serious as it could have been, and so the situation was still better than it could have been.
Over the next week or so, papa ji made significant improvements in his strength, and has actually gone from only being able to have small amounts of oatmeal fed to him to being able to eat saag and makki di roti on his own. The effects of dementia are obvious though at times, which makes communication with him somewhat difficult.
The village where we were staying is called Talwandi Jattan, in the district of Hoshiarpur. This is where the sister just older than my mom resides. This village is known for its Sikh Temple - Rampur Khera Sahib. Each October, this temple hosts an 8 consecutive day religious program, called a samagam, during which people from near and far descend on the village to take part. One day, my massi ji and mom decided to go to the evening program. We liked keeping papa ji informed of what was going on around him so that he wouldn't feel neglected or unsure of what was happening, so my mom told papa ji that she and massi ji were going to the gurudwara. About an hour after they left, I went into papa ji's room to check on him and he asked me "you're not going?" Papa ji communicates with me exclusively in English. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks I don't know how to speak Punjabi, being from Canada and all, so I'll start talking him in Punjabi. But nope, he will always reply in English. Anyways, I told him that I wasn't going and that mom and massi ji had gone. He asked "why?" I told him about how I don't know what to believe and that I'm not sure if God really even exists, or maybe I think He does exist, but I'm mad at Him. He listened to this little explanation, and then pretty much laughed at me. I think a part of him may have been ashamed that I was his blood. lol This is when I believe I experienced the climax of my trip. In the conversation that followed, my grandfather told me that without belief, there is nothing. Without belief, we are losers. He explained that there are many, many examples of individuals in history who had nothing, and yet had everything simply because of their belief. He asked why I thought that was. He pointed out that my parents attend religious functions despite all that has happened to them, and asked if I though they were doing it for nothing. I told him that I wasn't sure and that I thought they were crazy. He replied "they're not crazy. They're not crazy. It is you who is misguided." For some reason, it is the "it is you who is misguided" line that has stuck out in my mind and has forced me to think hard about things. In this short conversation, my ailing 86 year old grandfather told me that giving up on belief and hope is cowardice. He told me that life is a journey, and sometimes a very difficult one, but the only way to succeed and come out a winner is to keep faith, no matter what. He encouraged me to believe, to not lose hope and to rise to life's challenges and face my fears rather than letting them consume me. He repeated over and over that "the truth is there." Like any Sikh, my papa ji's belief is that everything that happens is God's will, and that it is up to us to have complete faith that whatever He does is for the best. He acknowledged that this is no easy task. But he also said that this faith is something that we have to work hard to attain - it is not a matter of one or two days. It is a "tapasya" - a journey, and as long as I embarked on that journey honestly and earnestly, I would always be successful.
My parents raised my brothers and I in a household that believed strongly in the Sikh religion. My mom was a stay-at-home mom during the time we lived in Sparwood, and she used this time to teach us about our religion. I know that our Guru tells us that it is best to not get caught up in worldly possessions and relationships, because doing so will only bring us pain. The Guru tells us that our one true relationship is with God, and only this relationship will bring us peace, rather than despair. It is easy to believe this when things are going well, because we have no real reason to question anything. But when things turn for the worst, we end up questioning everything. In my case, I started by questioning the existence of God, but couldn't actually believe that He didn't exist, so instead I just became angry with Him. I know that it's a stupid way to go - really, how is my not going to the temple having any impact on Him? I doubt He's sitting up there overly stressed about the matter. But it's how I dealt with things. Recently though, things started to change. It's not that I stopped being angry, but I think at some point, I just gave up on trying to hate Him.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Blessings
In previous posts, I have mentioned how I find it strange that I keep coming across wonderful people who bring positives into my life in one way or another. Many times, I don't even know these people - they are individuals from who knows where in the world, but unknowingly, they help me to think about my life, where it is now, where it has been and where I want it to go.
Last week, I came across a quote which states the following:
This made me think about my own life. Am I blessed? Sometimes, it sure doesn't feel like it. As we approach spring and summer, I know that some very hard days lie ahead. Days which will be spent recalling times past - the good times and the bad times. Sadly, my life is at a point now where even the good memories are painful. There will be anniversaries and birthdays. Everyday, I look around as everyone talks about their families, and wonder why my family turned out to be so unlucky. Why did my siblings have to leave us behind? What did they do to deserve to have their lives cut short? Friends and cousins their ages have all moved on in their lives. They're getting married and starting families of their own. One day, Amar and Rocky will become distant memories. They may occasionally remember knowing "this guy I used to be friends with." But then they will move on again with their lives.
I won't forget though. And my parents won't forget. For us, Amar and Rocky will always be those 19 and 25 year old young men that were stolen from us - robbed of their own lives much too soon.
Earlier in the day, I suddenly flashed back to the hospital room just after Rocky had passed away. I flashed back to my parents and I standing around Rocky after he had left, not really knowing what to do. All of a sudden, it was over. All of a sudden, Rocky was gone and there was nothing else to be done. There were no more appointments. There were no more medications. There were no more holding of hands. There were no more hugs and kisses. There were no more soft and gentle words. There was nothing. All of a sudden, it was just...done. I remember standing there completely numb. My dad asked me to call my cousins. I pulled out my cellphone and saw a text from a cousin asking how Rocky was doing. It was time-stamped 4:28pm. Rocky had died two minutes after this text message. I texted three of my closest friends to let them know. I called my cousins and asked them to tell whoever needed to be told. And then I came back, and just stood there. The priests came from the gurdwara and said a final prayer, and as they were leaving, they hugged my parents and me, and one of them said to never feel alone, because they are all my brothers.
But they're not. Brothers will stand by you through thick and thin. They are your biggest supporters. They are your protectors - especially if you're a sister. The reality is that my brothers are gone, and there is no one else that will ever be able to take their place. There is no one else that would ever want to take their place. There is no one else that I want in their place.
When I think about Rocky and a few years before him, Amar, I recall all of the horror surrounding their losses. Amar's passing left me with a permanent physical scar that I see each and everyday. Every time I need to pick something up or grip something, I am reminded of the day that Amar left us. And Rocky - well Rocky's passing is permanently set in my brain and just can't be forgotten, even if I wanted to. I don't think I am being naïve when I say that the losses I have experienced in the last 10 or so years, many people may not experience in an entire lifetime - nor would I wish it upon anyone. Anyone who has known me throughout the last decade of my life will know that my parents and I have been nothing short of a living hell. I've been told that I've been "to hell and back." I disagree with that statement in some ways because I haven't really come back. A part of that hell is now a permanent circumstance that I am forced to live with - albeit not outright in my face as it has been in past times. To say "and back" is to imply that everything is fine again. But it isn't.
That being said however, I find that as time goes on, I am realizing more and more that despite everything, I really am blessed. My parents are amazing people. I truly do not understand how they continue to forge forward and continue to find the strength to support me each and every day. They are my harshest critics but also my biggest supporters. They truly are my everything, in every sense of the word. Their strength is undeniable, and I am so SO lucky to have them as my parents.
My friends are wonderful. I would not be here today if it weren't for some of my greatest friends. Wow. I am left speechless and in complete disbelief sometimes when I think about what these amazing girls did for me during the lowest times of my life. They literally latched on and didn't let go until I was ready to move again on my own. And even then, they handled me with padded gloves until they decided that I needed a kick in the pants. Now all they do is kick me in the pants...all the time. :| These girls support me when I need supporting. Kick my butt into gear when I need that. And everything in between as well.
My extended family. Now this is an interesting one. In many ways, these are the people that I take my frustrations out on the most. I have wonderful cousins who always want to be there for me, but for whatever reason, they are the ones that I shut out and rarely talk to about what I truly am feeling. But regardless of my attitude problem, they constantly make the effort to make sure that I'm alright.
There are some people in this world who literally have no one, and maybe if things continue the way they are, I'll be one of them. But for now, I am surrounded by wonderful people, and even have the luxury of having a few that I can shut out! I am healthy, which sometimes makes me feel guilty. I still struggle with being thankful for my health when Rocky wasn't given the same luxury. But I know that if nothing else, my being healthy makes life a bit easier to deal with for my parents. I have seen them panic when I am not well and if my staying healthy saves them from that kind of heartache, then I'll take it. I have a stable job that not only provides me security, but also allows me to constantly learn. It has allowed me to make some great friends, who for some reason or another, seem to like me. In some ways, as odd as it is to say, even my experiences have been "blessings." Would I trade the blessings in for my brothers? In a heartbeat. No question. But the reality is that I can't trade them in. And as they say, stars can't shine without darkness. My darkest days have allowed me to learn some valuable lessons that many may spend a lifetime without learning. They have taught me what is important in life. They have helped shape the woman I am today. And you know what? I like the woman I am today. I am strong enough to stand up for myself, but soft enough to lend a helping hand. I am intelligent enough to accomplish great things, but dumb enough to occasionally make a complete fool of myself. I think that I have an appreciation for life that only tragedy can bring about.
So am I blessed?
Yes. I am.
Last week, I came across a quote which states the following:
I've seen better days,
but I've also seen worse.
I don't have everything I want,
but I do have all I need.
I woke up with some aches and pains,
but I woke up.
My life may not be perfect
but I am blessed.
This made me think about my own life. Am I blessed? Sometimes, it sure doesn't feel like it. As we approach spring and summer, I know that some very hard days lie ahead. Days which will be spent recalling times past - the good times and the bad times. Sadly, my life is at a point now where even the good memories are painful. There will be anniversaries and birthdays. Everyday, I look around as everyone talks about their families, and wonder why my family turned out to be so unlucky. Why did my siblings have to leave us behind? What did they do to deserve to have their lives cut short? Friends and cousins their ages have all moved on in their lives. They're getting married and starting families of their own. One day, Amar and Rocky will become distant memories. They may occasionally remember knowing "this guy I used to be friends with." But then they will move on again with their lives.
I won't forget though. And my parents won't forget. For us, Amar and Rocky will always be those 19 and 25 year old young men that were stolen from us - robbed of their own lives much too soon.
Earlier in the day, I suddenly flashed back to the hospital room just after Rocky had passed away. I flashed back to my parents and I standing around Rocky after he had left, not really knowing what to do. All of a sudden, it was over. All of a sudden, Rocky was gone and there was nothing else to be done. There were no more appointments. There were no more medications. There were no more holding of hands. There were no more hugs and kisses. There were no more soft and gentle words. There was nothing. All of a sudden, it was just...done. I remember standing there completely numb. My dad asked me to call my cousins. I pulled out my cellphone and saw a text from a cousin asking how Rocky was doing. It was time-stamped 4:28pm. Rocky had died two minutes after this text message. I texted three of my closest friends to let them know. I called my cousins and asked them to tell whoever needed to be told. And then I came back, and just stood there. The priests came from the gurdwara and said a final prayer, and as they were leaving, they hugged my parents and me, and one of them said to never feel alone, because they are all my brothers.
But they're not. Brothers will stand by you through thick and thin. They are your biggest supporters. They are your protectors - especially if you're a sister. The reality is that my brothers are gone, and there is no one else that will ever be able to take their place. There is no one else that would ever want to take their place. There is no one else that I want in their place.
When I think about Rocky and a few years before him, Amar, I recall all of the horror surrounding their losses. Amar's passing left me with a permanent physical scar that I see each and everyday. Every time I need to pick something up or grip something, I am reminded of the day that Amar left us. And Rocky - well Rocky's passing is permanently set in my brain and just can't be forgotten, even if I wanted to. I don't think I am being naïve when I say that the losses I have experienced in the last 10 or so years, many people may not experience in an entire lifetime - nor would I wish it upon anyone. Anyone who has known me throughout the last decade of my life will know that my parents and I have been nothing short of a living hell. I've been told that I've been "to hell and back." I disagree with that statement in some ways because I haven't really come back. A part of that hell is now a permanent circumstance that I am forced to live with - albeit not outright in my face as it has been in past times. To say "and back" is to imply that everything is fine again. But it isn't.
That being said however, I find that as time goes on, I am realizing more and more that despite everything, I really am blessed. My parents are amazing people. I truly do not understand how they continue to forge forward and continue to find the strength to support me each and every day. They are my harshest critics but also my biggest supporters. They truly are my everything, in every sense of the word. Their strength is undeniable, and I am so SO lucky to have them as my parents.
My friends are wonderful. I would not be here today if it weren't for some of my greatest friends. Wow. I am left speechless and in complete disbelief sometimes when I think about what these amazing girls did for me during the lowest times of my life. They literally latched on and didn't let go until I was ready to move again on my own. And even then, they handled me with padded gloves until they decided that I needed a kick in the pants. Now all they do is kick me in the pants...all the time. :| These girls support me when I need supporting. Kick my butt into gear when I need that. And everything in between as well.
My extended family. Now this is an interesting one. In many ways, these are the people that I take my frustrations out on the most. I have wonderful cousins who always want to be there for me, but for whatever reason, they are the ones that I shut out and rarely talk to about what I truly am feeling. But regardless of my attitude problem, they constantly make the effort to make sure that I'm alright.
There are some people in this world who literally have no one, and maybe if things continue the way they are, I'll be one of them. But for now, I am surrounded by wonderful people, and even have the luxury of having a few that I can shut out! I am healthy, which sometimes makes me feel guilty. I still struggle with being thankful for my health when Rocky wasn't given the same luxury. But I know that if nothing else, my being healthy makes life a bit easier to deal with for my parents. I have seen them panic when I am not well and if my staying healthy saves them from that kind of heartache, then I'll take it. I have a stable job that not only provides me security, but also allows me to constantly learn. It has allowed me to make some great friends, who for some reason or another, seem to like me. In some ways, as odd as it is to say, even my experiences have been "blessings." Would I trade the blessings in for my brothers? In a heartbeat. No question. But the reality is that I can't trade them in. And as they say, stars can't shine without darkness. My darkest days have allowed me to learn some valuable lessons that many may spend a lifetime without learning. They have taught me what is important in life. They have helped shape the woman I am today. And you know what? I like the woman I am today. I am strong enough to stand up for myself, but soft enough to lend a helping hand. I am intelligent enough to accomplish great things, but dumb enough to occasionally make a complete fool of myself. I think that I have an appreciation for life that only tragedy can bring about.
So am I blessed?
Yes. I am.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
It's that time of year again...
Hi everyone,
Well, it is that time of year again, when I humbly ask for your support in a cause dear to my heart. I sent out my annual email earlier this week, but have decided to post my appeal here as well to reach anyone that I may not have already gotten to.
The 2013 Ride to Conquer Cancer is just around the corner, and as we do each year, we need to raise as much as we can in an effort to put an end to this horrendous disease.
This year's Ride will be taking place over the weekend of June 15-16, and this year our team is comprised of only myself and Rocky's best friend, Paul Gill. I was speaking with Paul earlier this week about Rocky and about the Ride. It is hard for us to believe that June 16 will mark four years since Rocky's diagnosis. Four years. In many ways, time has flown by. In many other ways, time has crawled. Everyone who knew Rocky has been affected in different ways. I can only speak for myself when I describe my struggle to come to terms with and move forward from Rocky's battle and ultimate passing.
For many of you, this will be the first time you are hearing this story. For others, you will have received an annual email in past years. And for some, you will have detailed insider information about just how difficult my own personal struggle has been. Those who know me best will attest to just how badly Rocky's diagnosis terrified me. They will be able to tell you how my precious baby brother became the be all, end all of my life. Every waking moment of my life from June 9, 2009, the day of Rocky's initial hospitalization, through to August 16, 2010, the day of Rocky's passing, revolved solely around Rocky's health and treatments.
These friends will also tell you that every waking moment from August 17, 2010, until very recently revolved around trying to make sense of, and being unable to cope with my indescribable loss.
June 16 will also mark 11 years since the passing of my second brother, Amar. Amar was three years younger than me, and three years older than Rocky. We lost him in 2002, and while I remember struggling with his loss, Rocky's loss can only be described as being the most painful experience I have ever gone through. The best way I can describe it is that Amar's passing left a deep crack in my heart. Rocky's passing shattered it.
With some amazing support, I have lived through some of the darkest moments of my life. I am by no stretch 'over' Rocky's loss. I still struggle each day, but for the first time since I started sending out these emails in 2010, I am able to say that I feel I am getting better. Some days are harder than others, but those hard days are starting to become farther and farther apart. This opens up another painful concern though - am I forgetting my brother? But that is something I will deal with as it comes. For now, it's about this Ride.
For those of you that don't know, I participated in my first Ride in June 2010 after watching Rocky battle for nearly a year. In June 2009, Rocky was hospitalized for severe abdominal pain, which doctors initially thought was pancreatitis. He had been having the abdominal pain for a few weeks, but had tolerated it because he had just recently started a new job with the Major Crimes Section of the RCMP, and missing a day of work to see a doctor as not an option. It wasn't until his first compressed day off that he went to see a doctor, who ordered tests and sent him directly to Emergency. I got a call from my dad as I was getting ready for work that morning, asking if I could meet Rocky there, because he and my mom were worried, but Rocky didn't want them there. Of course I was going to meet him. So I arrived at the hospital and sat with him for hours while he quietly tolerated the pain without being able to lie down. Finally, they started him on morphine and told him that he would need to stay for a couple of days so that the pancreatitis could resolve. They put him on saline and pulled him off food, expecting his very high lipase levels to crash and become normal in the next day or so.
The following day, blood results revealed that rather than decreasing, Rocky's lipase levels had increased again. At this point, they ordered a CT to make sure everything was lining up. It was after this CT that we got our first indication of trouble. An endocrinologist, in speaking with Rocky about a minor thyroid issue, dropped the T-word. Tumor. All of a sudden, things became very serious and very sombre. Rocky was transferred from a stretcher in the hall of Emergency to a ward, and test after test after test was conducted. One morning about a week after Rocky's initial admission to hospital, I took a trip to the temple before going to the hospital. When I walked in, Rocky was wiping sweat from his forehead and looked pale and shaken. I asked him if he was okay, and he said "you better sit down." I did, and this is when Rocky told me that the doctor had just come by, and that he said "you have lumps and bumps everywhere." At this point, all we knew was that it could be one of three things - all of them different forms of cancer: gastrointestinal, thyroid and lymphoma. We were told to hope for lymphoma.
Immediately the concern for both of us became how we were going to tell our parents - particularly our mom. Our mom had lost her 26 year old brother to cancer 33 years prior, and she had never come to terms with that tragedy. How were we going to tell our parents that their youngest child, their favorite child, their baby was about to embark on a terrifying battle against cancer? We strategized and decided to tell our dad first. I had left them at the temple, and dad was going to leave mom there and go open up shop. I called dad and asked him to come to the hospital. He did. Together, Rocky and I broke the news to him. He didn't flinch. He said that it was fine, and we were going to deal with it. And then he asked what Rocky and I had already been thinking - how are we going to tell mom? We decided to let her call when she was ready to leave the temple and we would deal with it then. When she did call, my dad said that he would go pick her up. This proved to be mom's first sign that something was wrong. The original plan was for me to go pick her up. When I didn't show up but dad did, mom immediately knew something was off. But she stayed quiet and prayed all the way to the hospital. Once she got there, the three of us gently broke the news to her. Mom was sitting on a recliner by Rocky's bedside, slightly out of Rocky's line of vision. When I said the words, and Rocky heard nothing, he turned his head to look up at her. She smiled, put her hand on his head and said "that's okay." We'll get through it. And shortly afterwards, very calmly, she told me to stay with Rocky and that she and dad would go home quickly. Rocky didn't know what that meant. I did. Sure enough, I heard after the fact, that they had only gotten out of the hospital doors and into the parkade when they became inconsolable. That afternoon, my dad pushed his youngest child's wheelchair through the halls of Surrey Memorial Hospital, up to the Oncology ward.
After multiple biopsies, we were given "good news." Rocky had Diffuse Large B-Cell Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Not as easy as Hodgkin's Lymphoma to treat, but a better prognosis than gastrointestinal or thyroid would offer us. Throughout this entire process, Rocky's abdominal pain had worsened, and he was put on Hydromorphone, which is 8x more potent than morphine. He was receiving subcutaneous doses around the clock to keep him comfortable. On July 2, 2009, Rocky started chemotherapy. He was nervous. We were nervous. No one knew what to expect. The only thing Rocky knew was that it made people vomit, so as nurses prepared to administer the drugs, my poor baby brother pulled a tray near to prepare for the vomiting. I assured him that anything that he would feel would be after the fact and not during the treatment itself. So innocent, so undeserving.
On Rocky's 24th birthday, we spent the day at the hospital and after he sent us home at the end of the day, I received a text message from him telling me that I would need to arrange for "beanies" and shades as soon as possible, because his hair had started to fall out. He had gone into the bathroom to wash up before bed and his entire beard pretty much ended up on his hands. Rocky was finally discharged the following week - 42 day after his initial admission to hospital. He went in weighing nearly 200lbs. He came out weighing 150.
During the chemotherapy process, along with all of the normal side effects, Rocky experienced a painful rash on his head. His entire scalp was red, tender and visibly painful. He cringed everytime someone walked by, afraid that they would touch his head. Along with that came a bout of meningitis which resulted in a horribly painful headache.
After his fourth round of chemo, Rocky went in for a pre-planned CT scan to check progress. The good news was that all of the existing masses had either shrunk or disappeared. The bad news was that two new masses had grown. Oncologists were encouraging, but we would find out much later that Rocky's fate had pretty much been sealed with these results. This was bad news. Very bad news. On the Oncologists' advice, Rocky completed the last two rounds of chemotherapy and underwent another CT scan. The two new masses were still there, and so a PET scan was ordered to determine whether they were cancer. On December 3, what would have been Amar's 27th birthday, we got the results. Rocky had tested PET-positive for cancer. The battle was not over.
While everyone prepared with excitement for the 2010 Olympic Games in Vancouver, my brother underwent test after test to ensure his body was healthy enough to withstand a stem cell transplant. He had a tube inserted in his chest which went directly into his heart. This tube would be used to administer extreme dose chemotherapy, which would essentially wipe out Rocky's bone marrow. The same tube would then be used to transplant stem cells which would hopefully rebuild healthy marrow.
Vancouver 2010's Opening Ceremonies took place on February 12, 2010. Rocky was admitted to Vancouver General Hospital's Leukemia ward on February 15. He would not be discharged until after the world had gone home. He was released from hospital on March 9. He watched the entire Games from his hospital bed, rather than being out and enjoying the games in his hometown. But that was okay, because the hope was that in 2014, we'd be headed to Sochi. While the world watched the men's gold medal hockey game, my brother slept, too exhausted to wake up and watch with me. He woke up literally 30 seconds before Sidney Crosby's historic goal, lifted his arm in the air, whispered "Sid the Kid" and fell back asleep. But everything was okay because this treatment was supposed to make him healthy again.
In late April, Rocky went in for another PET-scan. Rocky's Oncologist called me at work with the results. I listened speechlessly as he said "Randeep, it came back positive" and then I just started crying. What was it going to take? I asked the Oncologist, "Doctor, what do you think - what are Rocky's chances at this point?" and for the first time, he said "Randeep, I'm worried." After consulting with a board of Oncologists, the team decided that Rocky should undergo intense radiotherapy, so 5 times a week, for 4 weeks, Rocky underwent radiation to target the mass on his liver. This mass swelled and pushed up against his diaphragm, making it extremely painful for Rocky to breathe. At this point, Rocky said that every pain episode that he had experienced since the abdominal pain that had started it all, was worse than the last. He had rated the abdominal pain at a 15 out of 10, but even that was starting to feel like child's play after the pain episodes that he experienced afterwards.
Rocky completed radiation on June 16, 2010 - one year to the day since his diagnosis, and on the 8th anniversary of Amar's passing. He looked great, he felt great, his blood counts looked promising. For the first time, June 16 felt like a good day. It was short-lived. A mere 10 days later, Rocky was taken back to Emergency after feeling extremely dizzy, and after more tests and another transfer up to Oncology, Rocky was told that the cancer had spread and that there was nothing else that could be done. I will never forget sitting speechlessly watching my brother react to the news and then beg the Oncologist to do something...anything. But there was nothing else to do except make him "comfortable."
On July 13, a couple of days before his 25th birthday, Rocky experienced an extreme pain crisis. Rocky was a quiet young man. He never complained about his pain, despite ranking his episodes at 15/10. But on this day, Rocky's eyes were wide, tears streaming out of them. He was thrashing all over his bed, SCREAMING. He looked me in the eyes and screamed over and over that "this is beyond an emergency! I need help! Do something! I'm on fire! Help me!" After what felt like an eternity, doctors ordered enormous doses of hydromorphone and ketomine (even more potent than hydromorphone) to be adminstered. On this evening, as other patients watched in shock, my beautiful baby brother, 2 days shy of his 25th birthday, was transferred to a private room in the Palliative Care ward. A room reserved for patients facing imminent death. The Oncologists told us to call family, because they would be surprised if Rocky made it through the week.
Remarkably, after a couple of weeks, Rocky had stabilized enough to be discharged from hospital, but received at-home care because of his terminal condition. Around the clock, my mom and I administered drugs to keep his pain under control. Together, he and my mom prayed everyday. We laughed, we cried. We even went grocery shopping. But Rocky's condition was evident. His legs had swelled to the point that he could not get up and down stairs without assistance. He could not walk normally and resorted to the use of a cane. His shoes wouldn't fit because his feet were so swollen. His appetite was next to nothing. But every morning, he came into my room, grabbed my foot and tickled me until I got out of bed. The Rocky that we had lost after Amar's passing was back, but only for a short time.
On August 7, Rocky returned to hospital for a blood transfusion because his counts were too low. He would not come home. On August 16, surrounded by his family, Rocky left us forever. When Rocky passed away, he had 11 different ports on his arms and thigh for all of the medication that he was receiving. He was finally free of the pain, the medications and cancer in general. Rocky was gone to a better place. But our lives had just turned into a living hell.
I know that I will never come to terms with Rocky's passing. The funny thing about time is that it forces us to get used to living without our loved ones, but the pain doesn't ever really go away. I look at my mom now and wonder how she lived 33 years with the pain of losing her brother, only to be faced with the same disease afflicting her son. I know how I have struggled with my brother's passing. I cannot even begin to imagine how my parents are dealing with their son's passing.
This disease has to stop. It has affected too many people. It has taken too many lives. It continues to devastate families each and every day. Cancer does not discriminate. It affects the old and young. Male and female. Rich and poor. It doesn't care if you have obligations. It doesn't care if you have hopes and dreams. It doesn't care if your family needs you.
The only way to do anything about it though is to continue to raise funds in the hopes that one day, another Rocky will be saved, and will be able to live a long and fruitful life. Why do I ride? I ask myself this every single year. Rocky as the nearest and dearest to my heart. There is not a single person on this Earth, whose passing will affect me the way Rocky's has. He was my everything. So why should I care to help anyone else if nothing will help him? Because as Rocky lay on his deathbed, he specifically asked to keep the battle going after he was gone, because "no one deserves this." Rocky was an amazing young man. A couple of weeks after he passed away, i went into his room and opened up his nighttable drawer and found a piece of paper with the following words:
"Though nothing will bring back the hour,
of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower,
we will greive not;
Rather, find strength in what remains behind."
Rocky deliberately left these words for us in case he never returned from the hospital. Few his age would think of others when they are facing their own demise. He asked for a small funeral comprising only of those who would help us during our time of need, rather than those there for a show. He asked that his friends be told of his passing after the funeral so that they would remember him for what he was rather than what he became. The thought of Rocky imagining his own funeral rips through my heart. I cannot even describe what I feel when I think of this.
I ride for that amazing young man. A young man that gave it his all to get better, more for his family than himself. How can I be selfish when he was so selfless? It would be an insult to his legacy if I chose to be selfish and not help anyone else. He deserves at least that much.
Over the last 3 years, with the support of wonderful donors, our team has managed to raise nearly $30,000 to help with cancer research. As we all know, there is work yet to be done, and for that reason, I sit before you asking once again for your support in this very important cause. Once again, I ask you to open your hearts and wallets so that together, we can make a difference and so that I can help keep my brother's dying wish alive.
Once again, we have set up our webpage: www.conquercancer.ca/goto/Rockstars2013, where you can click on either my name, or Paul's and make a donation. Your support in the past has been sincerely appreciated, and it is my hope that we can count on your support again in the future.
Please help us make a difference. Help us keep Rocky alive. Help us fight so no one else has to.
Please, give courageously.
And from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Kind regards and best wishes,
Rocky's sister
Randeep Gill
Team Captain
Rocky's Rockstars
Ride to Conquer Cancer
Website: www.conquercancer.ca/goto/Rockstars2013
Blog: www.rockysrockstars.blogspot.ca
Monday, January 14, 2013
What is Life?
Well, it's 3:28am, and I've been kept up all night by a question that was posed earlier this evening by a friend. What is life? What is its purpose?
Anyone who knows me well knows that this is probably the number one way to mess with my head. :) So here I am, once again, pondering what the purpose is of this life.
As everyone knows, our experiences shape the people we become, and we are constantly changing based on those experiences. There is zero doubt at all that the loss of my siblings has played an enormous role in my becoming the person that I am today. I've stated many times to my closest friends that had it not been for Ricky passing away, I likely wouldn't have gotten married to the person I did. Had it not been for Rocky passing away, I likely would not be in the process of ending that same relationship. But those two young men did pass away, and with them came drastic, life-altering decisions that I can honestly say would not have been made had they been around. The question then arises - why? Why did Ricky's passing trigger a hasty decision to get married? And why did Rocky's passing trigger the courage to end that same marriage?
The only thing I can think of is that after Ricky passed away, life became hard. Very hard. I can only say that it seemed like a good idea to get married at that time to provide a much needed distraction. I'm not saying I sacrificed myself for the good of my family. That's not the case. I'm not that selfless. I honestly did think that the person I was marrying was "the one." There was no doubt that I wanted to marry him, but as they say, hindsight is 20/20, and as I look back, there were many signs that the idea probably wasn't a good one. But in any case, he was "the one" at that time.
Then came Rocky's illness and subsequent passing, and all of a sudden, life became even harder. Much harder. What I don't sometimes understand is why, when Ricky's passing triggered a decision that would bring happiness to those around me, did Rocky's passing triggered a decision that would bring sadness. Obviously no parent wants to see their child's marriage fall apart, so why did I put my parents through that at a time when they were already reeling from their losses?
Many times, I have wondered if I made a mistake leaving that relationship. And each time, my heart and mind have told me that I have not. Every single time, I come to the conclusion that life is too short to be anything but happy. Life is too short to worry about what anyone but yourself feels is right. Life is too short to waste.
DISCLAIMER: I'm not telling everyone to go and get divorced. That is absolutely not the case. Every relationship has its issues. Brother-sister relationships do, parent-child relationships do, husband-wife relationships do. You don't walk away from a relationship when things get hard - you work hard to make those relationships work. But sometimes, some relationships aren't meant to survive, and mine is one of those unfortunate relationships. On the flip side, some relationships are forced to survive for various reasons. In any case, the decision is for each to make on his or her own, based on his or her circumstances. I can only say that based on where my life was at the time, walking away was the best decision for OUR relationship.
So back to the discussion about life. I won't lie, there have been many, many times that I have been saddened by the reality that is my life. Every now and again, I hear my parents reminisce about their youth and their "college days." I have heard that the years of teens and 20s are the best years of ones life, and days that many think about as they get older and long to go back to. I am now 33 years old, and already at a relatively young age (for the record, I feel much older), I find myself thinking back to "the good ol' days." My teen years were spent under strict control of my parents. The focus was solely on education, for good reason. My parents, like every other parent, wanted their children to work hard and make something of their lives. Being the eldest however, I was the experimental child. Every rule was practiced on me and then relaxed for the siblings behind me. I was the easy child though. My focus was always on making something of myself (eldest child syndrome?), and that wasn't going to happen without an education. So that's what I did - I studied. Every Friday night was spent in the company of my textbooks. Every weekend was spent studying. Every summer was spent getting ahead by taking summer courses. The efforts paid off and I ended up being, at times, a ridiculously successful student. That work ethic continued into university, and after a couple of years of being unable to find my niche, I finally found it in Psychology. After starting to work full-time at a job that was too good to give up, I cut school down to part-time. Between working full-time and trying to finish school, I was left with little time to do much else...so I didn't. Then in June 2002, Ricky passed away, and all of a sudden, life was turned upside down. I was only 22 when Ricky was taken from us. In hindsight, still a child, but one that was forced to grow up pretty quickly. Any hopes of "having fun" were pretty much wiped out with Ricky's passing. Through that struggle, I finally completed my university degree in May 2004 and by this time, was already engaged to be married. I dove into wedding preparations and got married in August 2004. In September, I switched gears, returned to school and started my path to a CGA.
For the next 5 years, that's what life was about. School, work, marriage, school, work, marriage. At 24, I was a wife, a daughter in law, a student and an employee. Hindsight, again, is 20/20, and I see now that I was not much of a daughter or sister for those 5 years. I simply didn't have time to be. There would sometimes be weeks between the times that I spoke or saw Rocky, and THAT bothers me to this day. Because of my priorities at the time, I missed out on 5 years of my brother's life. Life was supposed to calm down once school was finished. If I charge through now, I can be done by this time, and then I'll have time to do this and that. But life doesn't work on our schedule. That is a lesson that I have learned the hard way. In June 2009, Rocky, as everyone knows, was diagnosed with cancer. My priorities changed - he became my only priority. But that didn't stop me from working. That didn't stop me from taking courses. I still did both of those things.
Rocky died in August 2010, and my CGA still wasn't complete.
I considered quitting the CGA during Rocky's illness, when it became evident that he would not survive. But my baby brother, in many ways, knew me better than I knew myself, and he must have been able to sense that I would be a quitter, because he told my husband at the time, to ensure that I completed the program. He also knew I could never say no to his wishes.
Cost-benefit analysis is a topic discussed often in CGA courses. There have been minimal benefits of a CGA to date, since I was already doing my current job before being designated. But what did this CGA cost me? It cost me time with my brother. Time that I will never get back. It cost me laughs, talks, fights, arguments. It cost me countless memories.
I was 30 when Rocky passed away, and now 2 1/2 years later, I sit here and wonder, what I have to look back and reminisce about.
Do I look back and reminisce about how I spent all of my time with my textbooks in my teen years? Do I look back and reminsce about the falling out after Ricky's passing? Or do I look back and reminsce about sacrificing time with my brother in pursuit of a better career?
What will I look back to when I'm old(er)?
In November 2011, I finally learned that life is too short to be anything but happy. That is one of the major lessons that Rocky taught me. And that is why I left my marriage. There was no point struggling in an unhappy relationship when he and I could both have a chance at happiness by being apart.
It has been a tough lesson, but one that is valuable. The point of life is to be happy. It's to love those around you, cherish each moment with them, because you just don't know what tomorrow holds. It's to pursue goals, but not at the expense of everything else in your life. I will never get a second chance to spend time with my brothers. I have lost that opportunity, but hope that through my experiences, someone else may take advantage of the time they've been given.
I don't know if I'll ever truly be happy in life, given the losses that my parents and I have suffered, but it would be cowardice to not try. It would be an injustice to two amazing young men, who I feel in many ways, had to sacrifice their lives in order to teach me a lesson. And to let that sacrifice go to waste would be unjustifiable.
So please, live life, be happy, cherish the time you have because no one knows what tomorrow will bring.
Love you boys - now and always. Thank you...and I'm sorry.<3 <3
Anyone who knows me well knows that this is probably the number one way to mess with my head. :) So here I am, once again, pondering what the purpose is of this life.
As everyone knows, our experiences shape the people we become, and we are constantly changing based on those experiences. There is zero doubt at all that the loss of my siblings has played an enormous role in my becoming the person that I am today. I've stated many times to my closest friends that had it not been for Ricky passing away, I likely wouldn't have gotten married to the person I did. Had it not been for Rocky passing away, I likely would not be in the process of ending that same relationship. But those two young men did pass away, and with them came drastic, life-altering decisions that I can honestly say would not have been made had they been around. The question then arises - why? Why did Ricky's passing trigger a hasty decision to get married? And why did Rocky's passing trigger the courage to end that same marriage?
The only thing I can think of is that after Ricky passed away, life became hard. Very hard. I can only say that it seemed like a good idea to get married at that time to provide a much needed distraction. I'm not saying I sacrificed myself for the good of my family. That's not the case. I'm not that selfless. I honestly did think that the person I was marrying was "the one." There was no doubt that I wanted to marry him, but as they say, hindsight is 20/20, and as I look back, there were many signs that the idea probably wasn't a good one. But in any case, he was "the one" at that time.
Then came Rocky's illness and subsequent passing, and all of a sudden, life became even harder. Much harder. What I don't sometimes understand is why, when Ricky's passing triggered a decision that would bring happiness to those around me, did Rocky's passing triggered a decision that would bring sadness. Obviously no parent wants to see their child's marriage fall apart, so why did I put my parents through that at a time when they were already reeling from their losses?
Many times, I have wondered if I made a mistake leaving that relationship. And each time, my heart and mind have told me that I have not. Every single time, I come to the conclusion that life is too short to be anything but happy. Life is too short to worry about what anyone but yourself feels is right. Life is too short to waste.
DISCLAIMER: I'm not telling everyone to go and get divorced. That is absolutely not the case. Every relationship has its issues. Brother-sister relationships do, parent-child relationships do, husband-wife relationships do. You don't walk away from a relationship when things get hard - you work hard to make those relationships work. But sometimes, some relationships aren't meant to survive, and mine is one of those unfortunate relationships. On the flip side, some relationships are forced to survive for various reasons. In any case, the decision is for each to make on his or her own, based on his or her circumstances. I can only say that based on where my life was at the time, walking away was the best decision for OUR relationship.
So back to the discussion about life. I won't lie, there have been many, many times that I have been saddened by the reality that is my life. Every now and again, I hear my parents reminisce about their youth and their "college days." I have heard that the years of teens and 20s are the best years of ones life, and days that many think about as they get older and long to go back to. I am now 33 years old, and already at a relatively young age (for the record, I feel much older), I find myself thinking back to "the good ol' days." My teen years were spent under strict control of my parents. The focus was solely on education, for good reason. My parents, like every other parent, wanted their children to work hard and make something of their lives. Being the eldest however, I was the experimental child. Every rule was practiced on me and then relaxed for the siblings behind me. I was the easy child though. My focus was always on making something of myself (eldest child syndrome?), and that wasn't going to happen without an education. So that's what I did - I studied. Every Friday night was spent in the company of my textbooks. Every weekend was spent studying. Every summer was spent getting ahead by taking summer courses. The efforts paid off and I ended up being, at times, a ridiculously successful student. That work ethic continued into university, and after a couple of years of being unable to find my niche, I finally found it in Psychology. After starting to work full-time at a job that was too good to give up, I cut school down to part-time. Between working full-time and trying to finish school, I was left with little time to do much else...so I didn't. Then in June 2002, Ricky passed away, and all of a sudden, life was turned upside down. I was only 22 when Ricky was taken from us. In hindsight, still a child, but one that was forced to grow up pretty quickly. Any hopes of "having fun" were pretty much wiped out with Ricky's passing. Through that struggle, I finally completed my university degree in May 2004 and by this time, was already engaged to be married. I dove into wedding preparations and got married in August 2004. In September, I switched gears, returned to school and started my path to a CGA.
For the next 5 years, that's what life was about. School, work, marriage, school, work, marriage. At 24, I was a wife, a daughter in law, a student and an employee. Hindsight, again, is 20/20, and I see now that I was not much of a daughter or sister for those 5 years. I simply didn't have time to be. There would sometimes be weeks between the times that I spoke or saw Rocky, and THAT bothers me to this day. Because of my priorities at the time, I missed out on 5 years of my brother's life. Life was supposed to calm down once school was finished. If I charge through now, I can be done by this time, and then I'll have time to do this and that. But life doesn't work on our schedule. That is a lesson that I have learned the hard way. In June 2009, Rocky, as everyone knows, was diagnosed with cancer. My priorities changed - he became my only priority. But that didn't stop me from working. That didn't stop me from taking courses. I still did both of those things.
Rocky died in August 2010, and my CGA still wasn't complete.
I considered quitting the CGA during Rocky's illness, when it became evident that he would not survive. But my baby brother, in many ways, knew me better than I knew myself, and he must have been able to sense that I would be a quitter, because he told my husband at the time, to ensure that I completed the program. He also knew I could never say no to his wishes.
Cost-benefit analysis is a topic discussed often in CGA courses. There have been minimal benefits of a CGA to date, since I was already doing my current job before being designated. But what did this CGA cost me? It cost me time with my brother. Time that I will never get back. It cost me laughs, talks, fights, arguments. It cost me countless memories.
I was 30 when Rocky passed away, and now 2 1/2 years later, I sit here and wonder, what I have to look back and reminisce about.
Do I look back and reminisce about how I spent all of my time with my textbooks in my teen years? Do I look back and reminsce about the falling out after Ricky's passing? Or do I look back and reminsce about sacrificing time with my brother in pursuit of a better career?
What will I look back to when I'm old(er)?
In November 2011, I finally learned that life is too short to be anything but happy. That is one of the major lessons that Rocky taught me. And that is why I left my marriage. There was no point struggling in an unhappy relationship when he and I could both have a chance at happiness by being apart.
It has been a tough lesson, but one that is valuable. The point of life is to be happy. It's to love those around you, cherish each moment with them, because you just don't know what tomorrow holds. It's to pursue goals, but not at the expense of everything else in your life. I will never get a second chance to spend time with my brothers. I have lost that opportunity, but hope that through my experiences, someone else may take advantage of the time they've been given.
I don't know if I'll ever truly be happy in life, given the losses that my parents and I have suffered, but it would be cowardice to not try. It would be an injustice to two amazing young men, who I feel in many ways, had to sacrifice their lives in order to teach me a lesson. And to let that sacrifice go to waste would be unjustifiable.
So please, live life, be happy, cherish the time you have because no one knows what tomorrow will bring.
Love you boys - now and always. Thank you...and I'm sorry.<3 <3
Monday, December 31, 2012
Goodbye 2012...Hello 2013!
Well, it's almost time to turn the page on 2012 and flip into 2013! As I reflect on the last year and the ones just before it, it occurs to me that despite all of the trials and tribulations that life throws one's way, there are always lessons to be learned.
For me, 2009 was about facing adversity and learning to put my own selfish needs aside to devote my time and attention to a greater cause. It was about learning that sometimes, there is no greater satisfaction than knowing you've helped someone in their time of need. It was about learning the meaning of true, unconditional love.
2010 was a year of immense hope, debilitating fear and heartbreaking loss. Amid the turmoil however, 2010 also taught me that true, unconditional love is undying. The person may be taken away, but the love will never be. Love will always prevail.
2011 was a year of unspeakable grief, and the realizeation that life is constantly changing. As humans, we are constantly changing. Through the grief, the year was about learning that life is just too short to be anything but happy, and that spending it trying to hold onto something that no longer exists is futile, and unjust. 2011 was a year of gathering courage, mustering strength and making decisions. It was about forging a new path, when the existing one led to a dead end.
2012 has been about achievement, finality and self-realization. It is the year in which I have largely been able to come to peace with my losses, gaining confidence that all has worked out as it was meant to, and that it is okay. Terrible, yes. Painful, yes. Unfair, yes. But okay. My trip to India played a large role in this realization. Until I went to Kiratpur Sahib in India, where my brothers' ashes are scattered, I was unable to find peace with what had happened to our family. Visiting this gurudwara however changed that. I will never forget that day. I was a wreck while I was there, but as we left, I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders, and I have been feeling "at peace" ever since. My brothers are fine. They are with God, in a beautiful, quiet place, where gurbani is heard all day, everyday. They can't not be resting in peace, and knowing in my heart now that they're okay, makes me okay as well. 2012 has also been a year about putting everything else aside, and reconnecting with myself - a girl who became lost in 2002, and re-emerged as a woman in 2012 after a decade-long life storm. It has been about finding and getting to know myself again. The Rupi that was and the Rupi that is are two very different people, and it was a pleasure to finally get to know the new Rupi. She's quite awesome, really! ;)
In the last decade, I've had people come and go from my life, and some who have stuck by my side through every up and down. I have met amazing people who have offered me unlikely support at my lowest points, and also have been surprised by those who have been notably absent. One of the major lessons I learned this year is that if there are people who contribute nothing to my life, or add negativity to it, I don't want them around. It's that simple. I have chosen to surround myself with happy, caring, supportive people who bring positivity into my life, and the difference I have felt in myself is amazing. I am a happier, healthier and better person today than I was 366 days ago.
As this year comes to an end, I find myself, for the first time in a long while, looking forward to seeing what the new year has in store. In many ways, it is a year of new beginnings, and I can only hope that they are the beginnings of something wonderful.
During the course of 2012, we have seen ups and downs. Sadly, the downs are the ones that stick out more in my mind. So many senseless acts of violence inflicted on one person by another. I hope that we have all learned lessons from these terrible acts and act upon those lessons to make the coming year a better one for everyone. If we all act together towards a common goal, nothing is unachievable. This world is an amazing place just waiting to be discovered. It is most definitely worth fighting for.
Having said all this, I am reminded of a quote by Harvey MacKay which states:
For me, 2009 was about facing adversity and learning to put my own selfish needs aside to devote my time and attention to a greater cause. It was about learning that sometimes, there is no greater satisfaction than knowing you've helped someone in their time of need. It was about learning the meaning of true, unconditional love.
2010 was a year of immense hope, debilitating fear and heartbreaking loss. Amid the turmoil however, 2010 also taught me that true, unconditional love is undying. The person may be taken away, but the love will never be. Love will always prevail.
2011 was a year of unspeakable grief, and the realizeation that life is constantly changing. As humans, we are constantly changing. Through the grief, the year was about learning that life is just too short to be anything but happy, and that spending it trying to hold onto something that no longer exists is futile, and unjust. 2011 was a year of gathering courage, mustering strength and making decisions. It was about forging a new path, when the existing one led to a dead end.
2012 has been about achievement, finality and self-realization. It is the year in which I have largely been able to come to peace with my losses, gaining confidence that all has worked out as it was meant to, and that it is okay. Terrible, yes. Painful, yes. Unfair, yes. But okay. My trip to India played a large role in this realization. Until I went to Kiratpur Sahib in India, where my brothers' ashes are scattered, I was unable to find peace with what had happened to our family. Visiting this gurudwara however changed that. I will never forget that day. I was a wreck while I was there, but as we left, I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders, and I have been feeling "at peace" ever since. My brothers are fine. They are with God, in a beautiful, quiet place, where gurbani is heard all day, everyday. They can't not be resting in peace, and knowing in my heart now that they're okay, makes me okay as well. 2012 has also been a year about putting everything else aside, and reconnecting with myself - a girl who became lost in 2002, and re-emerged as a woman in 2012 after a decade-long life storm. It has been about finding and getting to know myself again. The Rupi that was and the Rupi that is are two very different people, and it was a pleasure to finally get to know the new Rupi. She's quite awesome, really! ;)
In the last decade, I've had people come and go from my life, and some who have stuck by my side through every up and down. I have met amazing people who have offered me unlikely support at my lowest points, and also have been surprised by those who have been notably absent. One of the major lessons I learned this year is that if there are people who contribute nothing to my life, or add negativity to it, I don't want them around. It's that simple. I have chosen to surround myself with happy, caring, supportive people who bring positivity into my life, and the difference I have felt in myself is amazing. I am a happier, healthier and better person today than I was 366 days ago.
As this year comes to an end, I find myself, for the first time in a long while, looking forward to seeing what the new year has in store. In many ways, it is a year of new beginnings, and I can only hope that they are the beginnings of something wonderful.
During the course of 2012, we have seen ups and downs. Sadly, the downs are the ones that stick out more in my mind. So many senseless acts of violence inflicted on one person by another. I hope that we have all learned lessons from these terrible acts and act upon those lessons to make the coming year a better one for everyone. If we all act together towards a common goal, nothing is unachievable. This world is an amazing place just waiting to be discovered. It is most definitely worth fighting for.
Having said all this, I am reminded of a quote by Harvey MacKay which states:
Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
So love the people who treat you right.
Forget about those who don’t.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a chance, take it.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it.
It has taken me a long time to get back to a place where I can say that "life is beautiful," but today I can. Take it by the reins and make it whatever you want. Life is a book and it's up to each and every one of us to write our own story. Make it a good one!
Wishing my family, friends, and the world, in general, a great "last day of 2012" and the very best in 2013. May you all be blessed with love, health, happiness and peace. <3
Friday, December 28, 2012
What is Wrong with this World?
I've been meaning to post something for the last little bit, but as always, life gets in the way and things get pushed back. My next post was supposed to be in relation to the lessons that I learned during my trip to India, but that will now have to wait. Instead, I have a beef with another issue that has been on my mind for the last couple of weeks.
Many of you will already have heard about the brutal gang-rape and beating of a 23 year old woman on a moving bus in Delhi, India. Reading details of what that poor girl endured for 40 minutes, at the hands of 6 sick, twisted men, literally left my body and heart aching. Time and time again, I have found myself trying to imagine what she must have been going through during her horrific ordeal. I had an instance recently where I three individuals verbally attacked me, all at once. I remember feeling like prey among predators, and I remember all too well how I felt during and after that episode. It's not pleasant. Despite those feelings, I cannot even BEGIN to imagine what this poor girl must have been going through during that attack - knowing that there was no escape, and her only chance at help was also being beaten.
And then she was dumped like trash when the a$$holes decided they'd had enough? How does any of this make sense?
What is wrong with this world?
Have people become so callous and so heartless?
Did any of those six men think even for a second that they should stop harming her?
Did any of them think even for a moment of their own mothers and sisters?
Do any of them have a conscience?
How can anyone have the ability to be so cruel?
I just don't understand what is wrong with people these days.
Where do people come off thinking that they have ANY right to play with the lives of others? Be it shootings, stabbings, robberies, murders, rapes - why do people seem to think they have the right to bring injustice upon others? Where did we go wrong?
In an age where women are blasting off into space, sitting in the UN, representing their countries in every field, why are women still being treated like trash? And why is it being allowed and tolerated?
Since this incident on December 16, I have read about a 3 year old girl who was raped by the husband of the owner of her preschool, I have read about a teenage girl who committed suicide after she was gang-raped by three men and subsequently ignored and even mocked by police, I have read about a 42 year old woman being gang-raped. Before all of this, I heard about a police officer who confronted a couple of thugs in Amritsar after they teased his daughter. They killed him.
Completely oblivious to the dangers that women face in India, I found myself arguing a few times with my mother about going out for dinner with cousins "after dark." It was dark by 6. But I found out later that THIS is the problem and the reason that no one wants their sisters and daughters out of their sights. My own cousin was followed by three goons while he was travelling home with this wife one evening. He got home, told his wife to run inside and send out his brother. What would have happened if they weren't close to home? I picked up a newspaper during my trip to India, and the first three pages were filled only with cases of rape. THREE PAGES of articles!
Why does it feel like the idiots are taking over the world? Why does it feel like we have to fear leaving our houses because there might be a deranged individual just around the corner that will violate and wrong us?
The girl from Delhi has now died after a combination of multi-organ failure, infection, heart attack and significant brain injury. She had had the majority of her small intestine removed by doctors, after a significant portion was removed by her attackers. Had she survived, she would have been forced to live with a colostomy bag attached to her. She would likely not have been able to have children. She surely would not have been able to eat normally.
Who would have thought when she went out to watch a movie on that Sunday evening, that there was a terrible nightmare awaiting her and her family?
I sit here and cannot help but think about her mother. What must that mother have been feeling watching her daughter suffer and deteriorate? I watched my mother watch her son suffer and deteriorate - but Rocky died of "natural causes." This mother was watching her daughter suffer as a result of the actions of others. What must that father and brother be feeling? Men seem to naturally have a tendancy to be protective of their daughters and sisters - how will they deal with the fact that their loved one was wronged by people, to whom they will likely never have access? I literally have a headache thinking about this family.
I can't say that I'm a firm supporter of capital punishment, and I'm not a supporter at all of vigilante justice, but I find myself completely supportive of the death penalty for all 6 attackers in this case (including a juvenile - WTF?!), and kind of supportive of even vigilante justice. I do not think that these individuals have the right to live in a civilized society, and I do not think that they should be able to live after their actions ended the life of an innocent young girl who had immense potential and promise and more than likely, would have been a productive member of society. I also don't think that hanging them (India's preferred method of execution, apparently) is enough. It seems too easy a way to go compared to the option they put ahead of their victim. Personally I'd like to shove the same "long iron rod" that they used up their asses and give them a taste of their own medicine.
I'm happy to see that the Indian public has erupted in response to this horrific crime, and is demanding justice and protection for women. I sincerely hope that this young woman's death does not go in vain and that significant changes are made in order to protect women and their rights. This is the 21st century, India. Get with the program. Surely the largest democracy in the world can do better than this to protect its citizens.
When I first heard about this case and the medical emergency that she was facing, I hoped that she would die rather than dealing with a lifetime of serious, limiting, medical problems. Clearly I underestimated her courage, because just a couple of days later, not only did she clearly give the magistrate a statement, but she also expressed her desire to live. Then I hoped that she would live and become the face of change for India. Now that she is gone, I don't know what to think. The fact that she faced such a serious crisis after this incident just goes to show how brutally and mercilessly she was attacked. And why was she attacked? Because she was a girl who felt that she had the right to go watch a movie on a Sunday night with a friend. How dare she, right? Absolutely ridiculous. Something has got to give.
I wish I could save the world. Maybe it's because of the loss of my brothers and my wish that no family ever go through that kind of pain, but I sincerely wish that I could save the world or at least do something to ease people's pain. In this instance, in the absence of anything else, I pray that this beautiful young soul rest in peace, and I pray that her family find peace and move on with the same courage that their daughter and sister exhibited.
I also pray that her attackers spend the rest of their days, death penalty or not, suffering and struggling with immense, unshakable guilt.
Women are not second class citizens. They are doctors. They are engineers. They are lawyers. They are astronauts. They are homemakers. They are friends. They are sisters. They are daughters. For the love of God, they are mothers - they give life! Without women, none of us would be here today!
A new year is coming upon us, and many of us will be reflecting on what we achieved in 2012 and making resolutions for 2013. I encourage every single person to resolve to be a better, more tolerant, more respectful person. All it takes is one person doing something positive to set off a chain of positive reactions. I'm not saying to go out there and save the world, but just try to make changes in your own lives to bring some sense of happiness to others. The next time you're in the Starbucks drive-thru, pull up to the window and pay for the person behind you as well. How much is a coffee anyways? I've tried this with the hope that someone's morning has been brightened just a little bit because of my actions. Hold the door open. Press the "open" button on the elevator to hold it for someone running towards it. Say "good morning." Ask someone how they're doing. Smile.
I know there are more good people than bad out there. Let's not let this world go to them. There's absolutely no reason for any of us to have to think twice about where we're going, who we're going with, when we're going, why we're going. We should be able to do all of those things without fear. It's not unreasonable. It's not unheard of. It is possible. But it's going to take an effort, and it's going to take people not forgetting the latest tragedy until the next one strikes.
Rest in Peace "Damini."
Many of you will already have heard about the brutal gang-rape and beating of a 23 year old woman on a moving bus in Delhi, India. Reading details of what that poor girl endured for 40 minutes, at the hands of 6 sick, twisted men, literally left my body and heart aching. Time and time again, I have found myself trying to imagine what she must have been going through during her horrific ordeal. I had an instance recently where I three individuals verbally attacked me, all at once. I remember feeling like prey among predators, and I remember all too well how I felt during and after that episode. It's not pleasant. Despite those feelings, I cannot even BEGIN to imagine what this poor girl must have been going through during that attack - knowing that there was no escape, and her only chance at help was also being beaten.
And then she was dumped like trash when the a$$holes decided they'd had enough? How does any of this make sense?
What is wrong with this world?
Have people become so callous and so heartless?
Did any of those six men think even for a second that they should stop harming her?
Did any of them think even for a moment of their own mothers and sisters?
Do any of them have a conscience?
How can anyone have the ability to be so cruel?
I just don't understand what is wrong with people these days.
Where do people come off thinking that they have ANY right to play with the lives of others? Be it shootings, stabbings, robberies, murders, rapes - why do people seem to think they have the right to bring injustice upon others? Where did we go wrong?
In an age where women are blasting off into space, sitting in the UN, representing their countries in every field, why are women still being treated like trash? And why is it being allowed and tolerated?
Since this incident on December 16, I have read about a 3 year old girl who was raped by the husband of the owner of her preschool, I have read about a teenage girl who committed suicide after she was gang-raped by three men and subsequently ignored and even mocked by police, I have read about a 42 year old woman being gang-raped. Before all of this, I heard about a police officer who confronted a couple of thugs in Amritsar after they teased his daughter. They killed him.
Completely oblivious to the dangers that women face in India, I found myself arguing a few times with my mother about going out for dinner with cousins "after dark." It was dark by 6. But I found out later that THIS is the problem and the reason that no one wants their sisters and daughters out of their sights. My own cousin was followed by three goons while he was travelling home with this wife one evening. He got home, told his wife to run inside and send out his brother. What would have happened if they weren't close to home? I picked up a newspaper during my trip to India, and the first three pages were filled only with cases of rape. THREE PAGES of articles!
Why does it feel like the idiots are taking over the world? Why does it feel like we have to fear leaving our houses because there might be a deranged individual just around the corner that will violate and wrong us?
The girl from Delhi has now died after a combination of multi-organ failure, infection, heart attack and significant brain injury. She had had the majority of her small intestine removed by doctors, after a significant portion was removed by her attackers. Had she survived, she would have been forced to live with a colostomy bag attached to her. She would likely not have been able to have children. She surely would not have been able to eat normally.
Who would have thought when she went out to watch a movie on that Sunday evening, that there was a terrible nightmare awaiting her and her family?
I sit here and cannot help but think about her mother. What must that mother have been feeling watching her daughter suffer and deteriorate? I watched my mother watch her son suffer and deteriorate - but Rocky died of "natural causes." This mother was watching her daughter suffer as a result of the actions of others. What must that father and brother be feeling? Men seem to naturally have a tendancy to be protective of their daughters and sisters - how will they deal with the fact that their loved one was wronged by people, to whom they will likely never have access? I literally have a headache thinking about this family.
I can't say that I'm a firm supporter of capital punishment, and I'm not a supporter at all of vigilante justice, but I find myself completely supportive of the death penalty for all 6 attackers in this case (including a juvenile - WTF?!), and kind of supportive of even vigilante justice. I do not think that these individuals have the right to live in a civilized society, and I do not think that they should be able to live after their actions ended the life of an innocent young girl who had immense potential and promise and more than likely, would have been a productive member of society. I also don't think that hanging them (India's preferred method of execution, apparently) is enough. It seems too easy a way to go compared to the option they put ahead of their victim. Personally I'd like to shove the same "long iron rod" that they used up their asses and give them a taste of their own medicine.
I'm happy to see that the Indian public has erupted in response to this horrific crime, and is demanding justice and protection for women. I sincerely hope that this young woman's death does not go in vain and that significant changes are made in order to protect women and their rights. This is the 21st century, India. Get with the program. Surely the largest democracy in the world can do better than this to protect its citizens.
When I first heard about this case and the medical emergency that she was facing, I hoped that she would die rather than dealing with a lifetime of serious, limiting, medical problems. Clearly I underestimated her courage, because just a couple of days later, not only did she clearly give the magistrate a statement, but she also expressed her desire to live. Then I hoped that she would live and become the face of change for India. Now that she is gone, I don't know what to think. The fact that she faced such a serious crisis after this incident just goes to show how brutally and mercilessly she was attacked. And why was she attacked? Because she was a girl who felt that she had the right to go watch a movie on a Sunday night with a friend. How dare she, right? Absolutely ridiculous. Something has got to give.
I wish I could save the world. Maybe it's because of the loss of my brothers and my wish that no family ever go through that kind of pain, but I sincerely wish that I could save the world or at least do something to ease people's pain. In this instance, in the absence of anything else, I pray that this beautiful young soul rest in peace, and I pray that her family find peace and move on with the same courage that their daughter and sister exhibited.
I also pray that her attackers spend the rest of their days, death penalty or not, suffering and struggling with immense, unshakable guilt.
Women are not second class citizens. They are doctors. They are engineers. They are lawyers. They are astronauts. They are homemakers. They are friends. They are sisters. They are daughters. For the love of God, they are mothers - they give life! Without women, none of us would be here today!
A new year is coming upon us, and many of us will be reflecting on what we achieved in 2012 and making resolutions for 2013. I encourage every single person to resolve to be a better, more tolerant, more respectful person. All it takes is one person doing something positive to set off a chain of positive reactions. I'm not saying to go out there and save the world, but just try to make changes in your own lives to bring some sense of happiness to others. The next time you're in the Starbucks drive-thru, pull up to the window and pay for the person behind you as well. How much is a coffee anyways? I've tried this with the hope that someone's morning has been brightened just a little bit because of my actions. Hold the door open. Press the "open" button on the elevator to hold it for someone running towards it. Say "good morning." Ask someone how they're doing. Smile.
I know there are more good people than bad out there. Let's not let this world go to them. There's absolutely no reason for any of us to have to think twice about where we're going, who we're going with, when we're going, why we're going. We should be able to do all of those things without fear. It's not unreasonable. It's not unheard of. It is possible. But it's going to take an effort, and it's going to take people not forgetting the latest tragedy until the next one strikes.
Rest in Peace "Damini."
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Happiness. What? Where?
Wow, it's been a while since I've been here! Most people who know me well know that I express myself best in writing. Writing also allows me to vent in my own way on my own terms. And for some reason, it provides some with comedic relief (you geeks know who you are!), so here's the latest rambling update. :)
So what's been going with me - in a word: LOTS.
Some of those nearest and dearest to me will know that just over 9 months ago, CJ and I parted ways after 7 years together. CJ and I had some good times in our time together, but unfortunately, things changed. I've always said that it's better for two people to be apart and have a chance at happiness separately than be together and be miserable. As sad as it is that things had to come to this, I feel that this is the best decision for both of our futures, so here we are.
That's the biggest development of the last 9 months. Other than that, as many of you know, I finally managed to complete my CGA. It's funny - I started my pursuit of an accounting designation a month after CJ and I got together - and I finished it 4 months after we ended our relationship. So much happened during the pursuit of this designation. On the same token, so much happened in the last decade of my life. The journey from 2002 to 2012 has been a difficult one. There have been ups and downs. I have been the happiest I've ever been and the saddest I've ever been. I have seen highs and lows. I remember just a while ago when someone would ask me "what's new?" I'd say "same old, same old" with a sense of boredom in my voice and body language. Not anymore. "Same old, same old" is, in many ways, better than having lots going on. In many ways "same old, same old" is actually a blessing. I wish I had realized this earlier. I'm sure I would have enjoyed those moments more knowing how fast things can change, and how eagerly some actually wait for those simple, no-drama moments. But as they say, we shouldn't regret those things that we cannot change, but instead, learn from those moments and make the best of our future. "Same old, same old" is now welcomed.
In March this year, Gurbaksh Chahal, the superstar entrepreneur based out of San Francisco, and his company RadiumOne, unveiled a new social media platform called Via.me. I have never come across a social media platform that is SO inspirational. I have made a few very good friends on Via.me, and have also had the opportunity to learn quite a bit. A few quotes (of many) that I have come across and have really enjoyed and have tried to apply to my life are as follows:
1) Let your past make you better, not bitter.
2) Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So, love the people who treat you right, and forget about the ones who don't. And believe that everything happens for a reason...if you get a chance, take it; if it changes you, let it. Nobody ever said that it would be easy...they just promised it would be worth it.
3) Every bad situation will have something positive. Even a dead clock shows the correct time twice a day. Stay positive in life. God knows hat is best for you.
4) Worrying does not empty tomrrow of its troubles, it empties today of its strength.
5) Never wish that life was easier, wish that you were better.
6) Sometimes you justhave to stop worrying, wondering and doubting. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but just who they're meant to be.
There are many more, but you get the idea. Someone asked me a few weeks ago, that other than my parents, who is the person that has been most influential in my life. Without a doubt, that person is my Rockstar. In his young life, he taught me how important it is to live life on your terms, how important it is to be happy in life. I'm sure if he's watching me now, he probably wants to punch me in the face for not doing a better job (lol), but I assure you Rockstar, I'm trying! <3 I forget often, but I know that despite all that the last decade has brought my way, I am still very blessed. Every so often, my breath is taken away when I think about the amazing people that surround me. The Big Guy above must not be too angry with me for turning my back on Him, because He has sent, and keeps sending amazing people my way - people who listen, who offer feedback, who encourage, and who share their experiences. People who offer advice, who give me honest opinions, and who don't judge me when I have a psychotic break (instead they laugh, because apparently they're a bit jerky like that!). Even people who are complete strangers unintentionally help me along! One of the quotes above is from Gurbaksh Chahal himself, who I follow (okay, stalk) on Via.me. The point is that at every turn, there is someone out there who either intentionally, or unintentionally, pushes me in the right direction when I may be headed off elsewhere. Over the last little bit, following the Chahal siblings has even made me make up...to an extent...with the Big Guy. Their devotion to their religion and God makes me want to believe again. But everyone knows I'm as stubborn as they come, so it's taking longer than it should for me to take action on this. At the end of the day, I'm realizing that God may have taken away my brothers, but He has given me an amazing circle of friends who pick me up when I'm down, but also pull me back when my head starts to get too big. Sometimes I wonder why these dorks stick around - gluttons for punishment they are! <3
Just last week, I had yet another psychotic break (don't ask!), and my victim was one of my newest friends. Rather than running for the hills though, this friend told me that I need to try and find happiness in life, because if I didn't, I would be holding myself back from whatever happiness life could offer me in the future. Now, it's not that I hadn't heard all this before. I had. My friends, who have been involved in my life for years and years and years, have all said this to me. They all knew about the difficulties I faced over the years and watched as I went through all the motions. But this was someone who I had just met, and for this person to give me that kind of feedback was a bit of a reality check. Unintentionally, I had revealed just how messed up I am. I mean, we talked and everything, but I really didn't think that he would be able to pick up on just how messed up things were. I honestly thought I was doing pretty good! Another friend, told me just last night, that she hasn't heard me talk about my own happiness. When I talk about the future, I seem to try and come up with ways to stick it to other people. That's also a wakeup call. I never thought that that was what I was doing, but realized that she is right.
Why is happiness so elusive? Or, is it? What is happiness? How can I find it? How can I make peace with myself and all that has happened, so that I can live my upcoming life to the fullest and make the most of it? I thought I was doing all those things, but I guess I need to focus a bit more on how I'm going to do these things. I know what my goal is - the goal is to live a successful and happy life for myself and my brothers. They never got a chance to experience all that I still have an opportunity to. The last thing I want is for me to meet them at the pearly gates one day and have them say "That's it?...THAT's what you did in life? Stupid lady!" I owe it to my brothers, who have taught me so so much in their tiny little lives, to take those lessons and move forward in a positive way. My brothers will reside forever in my heart, and from there, they will share in my experiences. I'm realizing more and more with each passing day, that by not living my life in a positive and happy way, I'm doing a great injustice to them.
So now begins a conscious effort to resolve these issues. My nears and dears are right - I won't ever find happiness unless things change. So now begins my personal happiness project. How I'm going to do this is still unclear, but I figure starting with a long overdue trip to the temple, followed by a long vacation is a good place to start - so that's where I intend to begin this "eat, pray, love" ish journey.
I'll try updating you all on this interesting escapade. We'll see how it goes. ;)
Anyways, signing off for now! Hope everyone is well! <3
PS: For those of you curious about this Via.me thing - follow me at http://via.me/RupiG
So what's been going with me - in a word: LOTS.
Some of those nearest and dearest to me will know that just over 9 months ago, CJ and I parted ways after 7 years together. CJ and I had some good times in our time together, but unfortunately, things changed. I've always said that it's better for two people to be apart and have a chance at happiness separately than be together and be miserable. As sad as it is that things had to come to this, I feel that this is the best decision for both of our futures, so here we are.
That's the biggest development of the last 9 months. Other than that, as many of you know, I finally managed to complete my CGA. It's funny - I started my pursuit of an accounting designation a month after CJ and I got together - and I finished it 4 months after we ended our relationship. So much happened during the pursuit of this designation. On the same token, so much happened in the last decade of my life. The journey from 2002 to 2012 has been a difficult one. There have been ups and downs. I have been the happiest I've ever been and the saddest I've ever been. I have seen highs and lows. I remember just a while ago when someone would ask me "what's new?" I'd say "same old, same old" with a sense of boredom in my voice and body language. Not anymore. "Same old, same old" is, in many ways, better than having lots going on. In many ways "same old, same old" is actually a blessing. I wish I had realized this earlier. I'm sure I would have enjoyed those moments more knowing how fast things can change, and how eagerly some actually wait for those simple, no-drama moments. But as they say, we shouldn't regret those things that we cannot change, but instead, learn from those moments and make the best of our future. "Same old, same old" is now welcomed.
In March this year, Gurbaksh Chahal, the superstar entrepreneur based out of San Francisco, and his company RadiumOne, unveiled a new social media platform called Via.me. I have never come across a social media platform that is SO inspirational. I have made a few very good friends on Via.me, and have also had the opportunity to learn quite a bit. A few quotes (of many) that I have come across and have really enjoyed and have tried to apply to my life are as follows:
1) Let your past make you better, not bitter.
2) Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So, love the people who treat you right, and forget about the ones who don't. And believe that everything happens for a reason...if you get a chance, take it; if it changes you, let it. Nobody ever said that it would be easy...they just promised it would be worth it.
3) Every bad situation will have something positive. Even a dead clock shows the correct time twice a day. Stay positive in life. God knows hat is best for you.
4) Worrying does not empty tomrrow of its troubles, it empties today of its strength.
5) Never wish that life was easier, wish that you were better.
6) Sometimes you justhave to stop worrying, wondering and doubting. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but just who they're meant to be.
There are many more, but you get the idea. Someone asked me a few weeks ago, that other than my parents, who is the person that has been most influential in my life. Without a doubt, that person is my Rockstar. In his young life, he taught me how important it is to live life on your terms, how important it is to be happy in life. I'm sure if he's watching me now, he probably wants to punch me in the face for not doing a better job (lol), but I assure you Rockstar, I'm trying! <3 I forget often, but I know that despite all that the last decade has brought my way, I am still very blessed. Every so often, my breath is taken away when I think about the amazing people that surround me. The Big Guy above must not be too angry with me for turning my back on Him, because He has sent, and keeps sending amazing people my way - people who listen, who offer feedback, who encourage, and who share their experiences. People who offer advice, who give me honest opinions, and who don't judge me when I have a psychotic break (instead they laugh, because apparently they're a bit jerky like that!). Even people who are complete strangers unintentionally help me along! One of the quotes above is from Gurbaksh Chahal himself, who I follow (okay, stalk) on Via.me. The point is that at every turn, there is someone out there who either intentionally, or unintentionally, pushes me in the right direction when I may be headed off elsewhere. Over the last little bit, following the Chahal siblings has even made me make up...to an extent...with the Big Guy. Their devotion to their religion and God makes me want to believe again. But everyone knows I'm as stubborn as they come, so it's taking longer than it should for me to take action on this. At the end of the day, I'm realizing that God may have taken away my brothers, but He has given me an amazing circle of friends who pick me up when I'm down, but also pull me back when my head starts to get too big. Sometimes I wonder why these dorks stick around - gluttons for punishment they are! <3
Just last week, I had yet another psychotic break (don't ask!), and my victim was one of my newest friends. Rather than running for the hills though, this friend told me that I need to try and find happiness in life, because if I didn't, I would be holding myself back from whatever happiness life could offer me in the future. Now, it's not that I hadn't heard all this before. I had. My friends, who have been involved in my life for years and years and years, have all said this to me. They all knew about the difficulties I faced over the years and watched as I went through all the motions. But this was someone who I had just met, and for this person to give me that kind of feedback was a bit of a reality check. Unintentionally, I had revealed just how messed up I am. I mean, we talked and everything, but I really didn't think that he would be able to pick up on just how messed up things were. I honestly thought I was doing pretty good! Another friend, told me just last night, that she hasn't heard me talk about my own happiness. When I talk about the future, I seem to try and come up with ways to stick it to other people. That's also a wakeup call. I never thought that that was what I was doing, but realized that she is right.
Why is happiness so elusive? Or, is it? What is happiness? How can I find it? How can I make peace with myself and all that has happened, so that I can live my upcoming life to the fullest and make the most of it? I thought I was doing all those things, but I guess I need to focus a bit more on how I'm going to do these things. I know what my goal is - the goal is to live a successful and happy life for myself and my brothers. They never got a chance to experience all that I still have an opportunity to. The last thing I want is for me to meet them at the pearly gates one day and have them say "That's it?...THAT's what you did in life? Stupid lady!" I owe it to my brothers, who have taught me so so much in their tiny little lives, to take those lessons and move forward in a positive way. My brothers will reside forever in my heart, and from there, they will share in my experiences. I'm realizing more and more with each passing day, that by not living my life in a positive and happy way, I'm doing a great injustice to them.
So now begins a conscious effort to resolve these issues. My nears and dears are right - I won't ever find happiness unless things change. So now begins my personal happiness project. How I'm going to do this is still unclear, but I figure starting with a long overdue trip to the temple, followed by a long vacation is a good place to start - so that's where I intend to begin this "eat, pray, love" ish journey.
I'll try updating you all on this interesting escapade. We'll see how it goes. ;)
Anyways, signing off for now! Hope everyone is well! <3
PS: For those of you curious about this Via.me thing - follow me at http://via.me/RupiG
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