Let me start by saying that, in general, I don't like people. In fact, the more I deal with people, the more I like my brother's dog - Magic. He is loyal, always happy to see me, never talks nonsense back (other than the occassional nip at my hand, but I'm usually asking for it) and is appreciative of all that I do. That's a lot more than can be said for some people in my life. And the more I deal with these people, the more I hate my life. Yes, this is going to be a major Debbie Downer kind of entry, so be warned - if you don't want to put up with my whining or my negative attitude, don't read any further. And if you choose to read on, then please don' t tell me how horrible my attitude is - believe me, I'm already aware of it.
So what do I hate about my life? Let's count shall we?
1. I have outlived both of my siblings, leaving me virtually without someone "my own" that I can talk to and know will always be in my corner, no matter what.
2. My parents have outlived 2/3 of their children, leaving a huge amount of responsibility on my shoulders. If I had been an only child from the beginning, it wouldn't be this hard. Being forced into the role of only child at this late a stage in my parents life has its challenges.
3. I cannot seem to "move on" after losing my Rockstar. I know it's been 14.5 months, and that I should be getting "used to" the idea of him not being here anymore, but I'm not. Sheer mention of his name is pretty much enough to throw me into a downward spiral. It doesn't help that while I deal with the nightmare during the day, I relive his illness and his passing often in my dreams as well.
4. It seems that every time I look forward to something, it is ruined by a random act of stupidness. I'm not even kidding - something always happens. If not the day of, which is most often, then definitely the day after. For example, on Saturday October 15, I had a great day. I was awarded a scholarship from CGA-BC, I attended the 2010 Convocation to receive this scholarship, followed by dinner. Afterwards, I took my certificate to my parents' house and spent the night there where we all went to bed in pretty good spirits. The next day, I spent most of the day in Emerg with an insane migraine that we couldn't control at home. Prime example right there. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not meant to be happy.
There are other things I that I dislike about my life, but those are common issues that I'm sure everyone deals with. The issues described however, are the ones that I absolutely hate.
So, on the flip side, what do I love about my life?
Errr....
Um....
As ridiculous as this may sound - right now, I honestly cannot think of a single thing that I love about my life. Nice eh?
I know that most people will say that this is completely absurd, and that I still have so much to be thankful for, and that they're SURE that there has to be something about my life that I absolutely love - but I don't think there is.
A friend of mine recently had the following conversation:
Friend: And somehow, I have to thank all of the tragedy that came this year- because as horrible as it felt, as hard as it crushed me, it had to happen to push growth upon me, it couldn't have happened any other way. Its always a hard thing to admit at the time, but after the lesson is learned- it opens our eyes to things that we were blind to previously. That's the beauty of life, ever evolving, ever changing, hard to predict, though always beholding some truth & reasons to its lessons. Gotta love it.
Me: Well said, and so true. I'd rather be an idiot though - tragedies suck. :( ♥
Friend: My dearest Rupi, tragedies teach us many things- there is good that comes from each thing bad/ you can't have a flower without the dirt, & some of the most beautiful flowers grow in the deepest dirt/ in the darkest conditions. ♥ Stay strong Rupi, I admire you very much.
Me: Tragedies do indeed teach us a lot. It's true. I was a w..r..e..c..k a few months after Rocky passed away (it was bad...just trust me on this one) and my friend demanded that I go get myself checked out. I couldn't get in to see my own doctor, so I went to Rocky's family doctor - he knew me well because I went to a lot of appointments on my Rockstar's behalf because his immune system was too weak to sit in a waiting room. Anyways, that doctor sat with me for half an hour and said something that stuck with me: "It sucks, and it's absolutely not fair, but think of this...those 60, 70, 80 year old people that you see and think are so wise didn't just get that way - they had to go through some tough experiences that made them that way." TRU DAT. When I look at myself, I see someone way beyond 32 years in terms of life experiences, and someone who has become very different from the friends she grew up with not too long ago. I have only these tough tough life experiences to thank for that. It's strange - on the one hand I know that I'm wiser than some people my age, but on the other hand, I know that I'll never get to have careless fun as those people get to. Ah tragedies...what to make of them.
Friend: Rupi, you can take those tragedies and turn them into fuel for something amazing. As a nurse I have been there to comfort patients as they die, all varying in ages- & I'll never have the answers/ I'll never know why it happens to... everyone differently- but I know that everyday is a chance to laugh, to appreciate every single thing that we have: whether its something as simple as having sight, having the ability to touch, feel, run- seeing things that way brings nothing happiness to my exsistence. You are wiser & stronger for what you have endured- keep laughing & being happy, do things that you've always dreamed of doing, you're still here & each day is a chance to heal that much more, to take chances. Everybody dies Rupi, but not everyone truly lives to the core of their being. ♥
Me: You are very wise my friend. And everything that you say makes perfect sense. I hope that there does come a day when I truly feel that I deserve to at least be happy. Sadly, right now, without my beautiful brothers, I don't feel like I can be...or should be. ♥
Friend: How can you not feel that you deserve to be happy my dearest Rupi??!!! Look at yourself in the mirror everyday & tell yourself "I am a good person & I deserve to be happy, my brothers would want that for me, I'm going to live my life the way that they would want me to." and tell yourself that over & over again- until it sticks Rupi, because its the truth/ you shouldn't be punished for something that was beyond your control, I never knew your brothers- but I can guarantee that they would want you to be happy Rupi- they would not want you to suffer. You have the chance to be anything you want, you are still here & you have people that love you and believe in you. Your brothers have never left you Rupi, their blood is in your veins, your share DNA, they are still with you- in every cell of your being & they will always be with you. They will never leave you. ♥
Me: ♥
So my friend pretty much made me feel like a heel, because she's right. I know she's right. In a lot of ways, I am blessed, despite all that has happened. So why can't I snap out of this feeling of despair and tell myself that I deserve to be happy and that my brothers would be happiest seeing me happy?
Maybe I'm being too easy on myself by saying that I have too much going on. It's easy to say that I have to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else. It's not easy though. How can I be selfish when my parents have been dealt with the shittiest cards I have ever seen? How can I tell them I have to take care of myself before I can take care of them? How can I put my own selfish needs before their real needs? And why should I feel that I have a right to be happy? I certainly don't feel that I have a right to be happy - why do I have that right when my younger brothers didn't? Why should I live life if they never got a chance to? The day Rocky was diagnosed, he said that he still had so much to do and mentioned that he wanted to see the Northern Lights. To be honest, I didn't even know what the Northern Lights were, so I googled it. Amazing! He wanted to travel - to see Vegas, New York, Europe. So the plan was for Rocky to get healthy, and I would gift him a trip to Alaska to fulfill his dream of seeing the Northern Lights, and then one by one, we would make all of his other dreams come true. The plan was that Rocky would get better and we would take a road trip to our hometown of Sparwood - a town we left behind 15 years ago. The plan was that Rocky would get better and we would resume our lives, with a new realization of what is important and what's not, with a new relationship and a sibling bond that no one else would ever be able to understand. The plan was that Rocky would get better...period.
But Rocky didn't get better. So how can I now want to see Vegas, New York and Europe? All of these places I wanted to visit well before Rocky was diagnosed. But since his passing, I feel as if I would somehow be deceiving him by travelling to these places. My own guilt gets in the way - why should I be able to see these places if he wasn't able to? Then there's the biggest question of all that torments me regularly "Why am I still living and he's not?" Why am I still living? Seriously, the heartache that I deal with every minute of every day is sometimes too much to bear. I would much rather have never been born than to deal with this sort of pain.
Yeah what doesn't kill me will make me stronger - the question is do I want to be stronger. At this very moment, the answer is no. I'd much rather have been killed instead.
And while we're at it - how is that people go to sleep and don't wake up? I really wish I knew the secret to that question - what did these beautiful, healthy, happy kids do to just not wake up one day? But knowing that and then acting on it would be suicide wouldn't it? Can't do that. My problem is compounded exponentially by my need to please. Committing suicide would result in people saying that I was wrong to have taken such a drastic step. God forbid anyone ever say anything negative about me
I dunno peeps. Life is hard, and I hate it. I'd much rather be an immature idiot who knows nothing of life and is oblivious to hardship. Learning lessons this way just blows.
Anyways, I'm not going to proofread this before posting, so I'm pretty sure I'm all over the map on this one. I don't even remember where I started but just don't care enough tonight to go and see. That's all for now...
